Mum wants me to give her money

I am one of five children, the eldest by 8 years minimum. My Mum is turning 50 this year, I'm 25 this year.

After a nasty separation from my step dad (where they seemingly did not talk about finances post-separation) she's now having to raise my four siblings who are in Year 9 or above whilst on benefits.

She has (very outdated) qualifications in child care so if she were to get back into that vocation she would have to study again. Something she can't afford.

In the last couple of years she's made lighthearted jokes and comments about 'us five' looking after her when she's older and broke. She's never brought it up as a serious topic but I can tell that there's some definite truth in there.

I've realised recently that the date where she will be needing extra financial support is much sooner than anticipated due to child benefits stopping when my siblings turn 16. And that a conversation will need to happen between myself and my Mum about what she's going to do.

I cannot afford to help her at this moment in time. And the likelihood of myself and my partner reaching a high financial income will be through his work, not mine. Meaning that it would be his money technically, I'm not prepared to ask him to fund my Mum.

I'm frustrated because being the eldest by such a large margin means that it will be on my shoulders as an issue to deal with long before any of my siblings.

My partner is also in a similar situation (though he's the youngest - however best with his money in the family) and his Mum has mentioned about us helping her out later on.

I know that this is my Mother - she raised me! - however she also wasn't helpful (and was actually pretty counter-productive and cruel) when I needed her during a very hard depressive time fairly recently. It's something that I'll never forget unfortunately. But aside from that, just the assumption that I'll help no matter my situation made me feel very stressed out. My partner feels the same about his family too and if we were both earning six figures we would help instantly. But we're not.

I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are on this? Have your parents expressed a similar thought? Do you think it's just a requirement we help our parents no questions asked or is it pretty selfish to assume your children will look after you no matter what?

Reply 1

shawtyb

20

i cant be bothered to read it all but i give my mum money occasionally when she struggles because im a good daughter. only if i have it spare though

Reply 2

fatima1998

19

i hate reading but you can give her 50% of the money and keep the rest :dontknow:

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

You hate reading yet you're on a forum ? Stop trying to boost your post count, If you have nothing useful to say, then don't say it.

Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

^^

Original post by fatima1998

i hate reading but you can give her 50% of the money and keep the rest :dontknow:

Reply 5

Azoiryx

1

I would say go for it, it can help her, and she might do a massive favour back. :tongue:

Reply 6

Azoiryx

1

Original post by Anonymous

You hate reading yet you're on a forum ? Stop trying to boost your post count, If you have nothing useful to say, then don't say it.

Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.

i agree, like in general. read it or not.

Reply 7

Juju Banton

Original post by Anonymous

You hate reading yet you're on a forum ? Stop trying to boost your post count, If you have nothing useful to say, then don't say it.

Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.

Original post by fatima1998

i hate reading but you can give her 50% of the money and keep the rest :dontknow:

That was a burn. :lol:

Reply 8

Tiger Rag

22

Original post by fatima1998

i hate reading but you can give her 50% of the money and keep the rest :dontknow:

What money from where?

Reply 9

fatima1998

19

Original post by Tiger Rag

What money from where?

money as a present :getmecoat:

Reply 10

Wolfram Alpha

20

I think it's an obligation for every child to look after their parents and provide them with anything they require. You've already mentioned this but our parents have raised us and although your mother may not have been helpful for a period of your life when you would have appreciated her support, everything she has done for you for many years cannot be discounted because of a one time incident. I can see that you would like to help your mother but feel as though it's not possible because of your earnings. If I was in your position I would probably start a second part time job to help her out. I don't see why it's selfish for parents to assume their children will be there in times of need in the future. If that was the case then it would also be selfish for children to expect their parents to provide them with a good upbringing. A lot of people don't realise the greatness of parents and often only realise this once they have passed away. I'm staring the obvious but no one in this world will ever love you or want the best for you as much as your parents. They are truly irreplaceable.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 11

ODES_PDES

18

Original post by Anonymous

You hate reading yet you're on a forum ? Stop trying to boost your post count, If you have nothing useful to say, then don't say it.

Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.

Who are you talking to?

Reply 12

adder007jnr

9

Original post by fatima1998

i hate reading but you can give her 50% of the money and keep the rest :dontknow:

WTF 50% is so much to give

Reply 13

Bang Outta Order

20

Original post by Anonymous

...

Just give her what you can but also put your foot down honestly. You can have snakes in your family as well. Sucks but it's true. It's your money you're making, whenever you make it. And if she made a horrible life choice that got her stuck with kids she can't afford that's not your burden. Don't be selfish like if it's an EMERGENCY ONLY like cab fare to get to hospital ore rent is due, PERHAPS give SOME of what she needs. Just so you don't go to hell. But don't stress yourself.

Original post by ODES_PDES

Who are you talking to?

Fatima chick

Reply 14

fatima1998

19

Original post by adder007jnr

WTF 50% is so much to give

you greedy lad :rofl:

Original post by Anonymous

You hate reading yet you're on a forum ? Stop trying to boost your post count, If you have nothing useful to say, then don't say it.

Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.

that hurts :cry2:

Original post by 0to100

Fatima chick

what

Reply 15

adder007jnr

9

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

I think it's an obligation for every child to look after their parents and provide them with anything they require. You've already mentioned this but our parents have raised us and although your mother may not have been helpful for a period of your life when you would have appreciated her support, everything she has done for you for many years cannot be discounted because of a one time incident. I can see that you would like to help your mother but feel as though it's not possible because of your earnings. If I was in your position I would probably start a second part time job to help her out. I don't see why it's selfish for parents to assume their children will be there in times of need in the future. If that was the case then it would also be selfish for children to expect their parents to provide them with a good upbringing. A lot of people don't realise the greatness of parents and often only realise this once they have passed away. I'm staring the obvious but no one in this world will ever love you or want the best for you as much as your parents. They are truly irreplaceable.

I am guessing you are assuming her and her partner can support themselves in a way that their lives are not too stressful. I am pretty sure no parent would want their child to take on a whole other job and possibly give themselves a lot more stressful life just to fund them. However, I get where you are coming but i think that should be something when they have got themselves a stable life.

Reply 16

Bang Outta Order

20

Original post by fatima1998

you greedy lad :rofl:

that hurts :cry2:

what

What do you mean what, you just responded to the post that was directed to you.

Reply 17

Bang Outta Order

20

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

I think it's an obligation for every child to look after their parents and provide them with anything they require. You've already mentioned this but our parents have raised us and although your mother may not have been helpful for a period of your life when you would have appreciated her support, everything she has done for you for many years cannot be discounted because of a one time incident. I can see that you would like to help your mother but feel as though it's not possible because of your earnings. If I was in your position I would probably start a second part time job to help her out. I don't see why it's selfish for parents to assume their children will be there in times of need in the future. If that was the case then it would also be selfish for children to expect their parents to provide them with a good upbringing. A lot of people don't realise the greatness of parents and often only realise this once they have passed away. I'm staring the obvious but no one in this world will ever love you or want the best for you as much as your parents. They are truly irreplaceable.

"Obligation?" Maybe in whatever culture you come from. But it truly is no one's responsibility to take care of another adult. Especially when you're struggling yourself. It does help keep his mum alive and healthy, though, maybe which he can benefit from if he plans on needing his mum around him as a grown man...but this kind of mooching comes from not putting your foot down end of.

Reply 18

p3ssimist

1

No it's not selfish and you have very good reasons. I would be embarrassed to ask my partner to help out my family.

It's best to just talk to her NOW, instead of just blurting out last minute that you cannot afford to help her so that she has more time to arrange for money.

Are some of your siblings the step-dad's children? If so then she should force him to help out. I'd take him to court if he refuses.

Original post by Anonymous

I am post-separation) she's now having to raise my four siblings who are in Year 9 or above whilst on benefits.She afford to help her at this moment in time. And the likelihood of myself and my partner ?