so i just need to get this off my chest i suppose. i think im beginning to realise i have abandonment issues and its causing me to push friends and relationships away. i dont know exactly where this stems from but i had a few issues growing up. my mum has been mentally ill all my life and during my childhood she was in a mental health hospital a few times for periods and i guess i felt she 'abandoned' me. shes not emotionally available and has no empathy. we dont have conversations or a relationship. i have tried but the way she treats me and the things she says she keeps hurting me more. i tried to kill myself and she told me to 'get over it'.
i think this has turned me into a very unhappy person, i feel like i might have depression, anxiety, ocd, low self esteem etc. im also really angry a lot of the time. ive been to counseling many times but i dont seem to be able to move forward from things that have happened and how theyve effected me. im in my 20s and still live with my mum and cant afford to move out. ive been to my gp in the past when i was a teenager and said i dont think the way i think and feel is normal. they didnt really take me seriously and i felt as though they acted like i was just a moody teenager who wanted attention and doesnt have real life problems...
i dont really know what to do. my friends have less issues than me but have gotten CBT whereas ive never been offered this (despite the suicide attempt?!) and was just told things like the waiting list is really long so theres no point... i dont know what to do. i know i should probably go back to my gp but i dont feel like theyre going to help me or take me seriously. i think if i continue like this im going to be completely isolated and alone because of how i feel like i have to push people away before they hurt me.. i dont trust people and i dont feel good enough for anyone. all my relationships have been abusive in some way which hasnt helped me either.
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