Summer problems, disabled student & have completely lost independence.

Don't really know what to suggest I'm afraid. It's not uncommon for there to be friction between the newly independent student and parents when they have to move back to home for the first time, and to a certain extent it is a case of "their house their rules". I'm aware it's probably tougher for you because of your disability, but ultimately I think your options are more or less the same - put up with it or leave.

Incidentally, you presumably live elsewhere during term time? Somewhere that has your required adaptations? Why can't you go live there over summer? I know my university was more than happy to rent out halls of residence over summer when I happened to be working there one year. Possibly an avenue you could pursue.

If moving out truly isn't an option, then I suggest that you do what the rest do and spend as little time around them as possible.

Sorry, probably not the advice you wanted!

"their house their rules" is denying basic human freedoms and is not a concept I accept in a family. Note the average non-disabled student has the means to cook for themselves and leave their home independently. So no I can't avoid spending time here as it is...... the adaptions would take longer than the majority of the summer, And I would be poverty stricken.

How exactly did you manage your first year without adaptions?

If you had adaptions at university, surely they've not been removed in the handful of days you've been gone?

If you don't wish to accept your family, the option is as I have said, move out. If that isn't an option then it's pretty much a case of like it or lump it. Ultimately you're getting a place to live for free over summer and as previously stated, plenty of young adults are forced to live by their parents rules, including eating what they are told and staying in/going out when they are told. It sucks, and I'm not going to pretend you've fewer options for escape than most, but I don't really see any other way around it, sorry.

As above have suggested can you live in your university accommodation over the summer - as quite a lot of unis do 51 week contracts - do you qualify for DSA? as in some cases you can get a discount on your university accommodation ( I know one of my sons friends has something on the spectrum and they get a discount of £800 a year on their uni accommodation (the price difference between a non - en suite room and an en-suite) I know the rules are changing on this as for the current year the government pay you the difference between the rooms,but the onus is in future going to be on the uni to fund this.
Is there any work at the uni over the summer that you could do that could help fund staying in their accommodation (research / assistant of any sort ).When you go back ask them what they can do to help or if they know of any organisations that can perhaps help you or if there are any grants or charitable trusts.
Sorry I cant be of any further help - sometimes parents suck - I should know I'm one of them.

No the adaptations are still there but my uni don't do 52 week contracts. Are you kidding it's not free. Yes I get that but I'm older than most in uni plus the average student can still go out alone etc.



See above. And besides my dogs live here... my legal property but of course my parents wouldn't see them leave here.

Thanks for advice deleted now.

You can't delete your own thread just because your not happy with the replies you received so i'm going to carry it on because other people might be able to give you more advice and help in the future and i haven't had my turn yet.

You should ring the council and ask them for advice about what help they can offer you in getting your own place where everything has been adapted to your needs.
When you receive benefits you are entitled to extra help like that.
If they can't help you you can ask them to refer you to a charity housing association that can help you and offer you that support or sheltered housing

Maybe you can get a social worker or a carer to help you which the council or charity can pay for because it's best to have a professional person working as your carer/ companion/ driver because they will do whatever you ask but family will take the piss and know they can get away with not doing what you asked for and act unprofessional. You should look into trying to get a professional carer/ helper then you won't have to rely on your family because i think it's horrible and cruel the way they treat you by not driving you wherever and whenever you want to go out, a professional carer would never do that and they will become a good friend/ companion that you can go out with and do fun things together like going shopping, cinema, restaurants, bars, leisure activities, hobbies you like doing, etc
because your family are not going to do all those things for you, hell they can't even take a simple request which is to make you the food you like and requested which is really cruel.
It's not easy to just move out but if you ring or write to the council about getting your own place where they can adapt it to your needs and ask for help in getting a professional carer who can drive and has a car to help you. It's worth asking rather than doing nothing and putting up with the horrible way your family treat you.
I would not want to be treated like that, nobody would and you should not have to put up with it either.
I would have told you to visit the council office yourself and speak to someone face to face but your family might not want to drive you there so you should ring, email or write to them instead. If they say on the phone they can't help then write instead because they take it more seriously when you write letters.

Because you need the benefit money you can do voluntary work to get experience, a reference, learn new skills, interact with other people and make new friends and get away from family for a few hours. It is better and makes more sense to stay on benefits because you get more help but if you got a job your worse off and have to pay for everything yourself which is very expensive so you would be worse off in a job unless it pays a hell of a lot.

Ask about Sheltered housing accomodation and try to find out how to get it or a place where you can have animals.
Join a disabled dating agency online, If you met someone you could get away from family. Just type disabled dating agency on google and see what comes up.
Again it's better than doing nothing. If the council say they can't help be persistent, don't give up and keep pestering them every week or once a month until they are forced to help, insist on them referring you to the charity housing association maybe they will be able to help and they can give other advice about uni, a carer, etc. Even though you are independent you still need a carer/driver to help with the things you can't do yourself.
Your family should be proud you are at uni and trying to improve your life and be independent.

Don't try to delete the thread because someone else might have a better solution weeks or months later that might be more helpful and any advice is better than doing nothing and just continuing to put up with it

But a disabled dating agency does not mean anyone who wants to meet a partner is disabled themselves because able bodied people like to date disabled too and that is where they would go to meet them because i saw it on a documentary so i know it does happen.
And if a disabled person wanted to meet an able bodied person they just tell the agency that is what they prefer. And it's only a suggestion.

hi OP,

I know what you are feeling. I have mild CP too and my parents and sisters can be overly protective of me. You simply want to prove youcan do it alone- and you have! don't let anyone take that away from you. I know how stressful it is to get all of your uni support in place to cope. I just graduated and going back home is still a cause for ajustment in independance lots of people experience this after their first year at uni regaurdless of disability.

I would recommend talking openly to your parents and asking for some sympathy and understanding. Everyone deserves a break at some point. remmber they are also adapting to having you home for the summer after you not being home for a little while.

hope this helps!

Thanks for your detailed response, wasn’t a case of that, more privacy protection given the unexpected number of views. I’m not unhappy with response so much as wondering what the responses would be if I wasn’t disabled. Remember I have no desire to leave my parental home, plus my dogs live here. What I really want is a way for my parents to understand but they’re not the “sit down and talk about our issues” type, they’re the “make a joke about it, shut up and stop trying to cause an argument type”.
Being mildly disabled I almost regret having to put that on the thread because it colours people’s responses but then I’m faced with the realisation if I wasn’t disabled I may not be in this predicament. I wouldn’t go into sheltered housing given how mild my disability is, I realise this can be hard to explain to a non-disabled person but you (assuming you’re not disabled yourself) don’t really understand the lack of self-worth and disgust that dependency can generate.
I know things like social service exist but I and my family are very r YUesistant to their intervention in my life as this is not something we are accustomed to. The idea of having the state pay a professional to support me sent my mother into a literal rage “They ARE NOT REPLACEMENT PARENTS!” around this time last year when I was first going to uni. So I have been thought to think of myself as not disabled enough to warrant social service support, would feel as weird as you would if it was suggested for you. In addition I would feel like I was upsetting my mother (who granted changes her opinion on things all the time when you try to pin her down to a view).
Re driving there are really no rules on how much or little a designated driver should do. The fact my mum got me dogs for a birthday surprise is now used to almost completely schedule the entire families’ day. The dogs are legally mine in practice they are my mums. Given she gave me them as a surprise (and at the time unwanted) gift this power relationship and the need for her to walk “my dogs” when she does, where she does for the length of time she does has become an issue. Essentially if I want to leave the house in my car I’m told it’s happening between 9am and 12pm or not at all basically. I get out now and then but even paying the fuel money my mother’s day is structured around her. She is allowed to use the car for things which benefit me even if I’m not there hence dog walking. She doesn’t like leaving the dogs alone or going out post walk i.e. in the evening.
Re the specific food issue my Dad now claims he ranted because he unknown to me would have had half of what he was going to put in. We never used to eat meals as a family so how was I supposed to know? I assumed he was cooking for just me but still.
I would never date another disabled person unless it was secondary to liking the person so I would never use a disabled online dating website and to be honest and the non-disabled people on them it see it as a fetishism thing. Why would a non-disabled person seek to date a disabled person, I find this suspect. My disability is so mild I don’t move in disabled circles so to speak. As for my family you have to realise a lot of this is also class based.



Agreed I have a lot of issue with this concept. Mainly the concept that my disability is the primary thing about me... it's not see above.



I believe that documentary was on disabled fetishism was it not?





Then you uniquely on this thread get it and you know you can't just sit them down and have a heart to heart because you are thankful for all they have done for you etc.... issue is my parents see above weren't happy for me to take all support available and my mother got extremely angry over my going to uni and refused to speak with me for months over it. I see your point but my mother is not one to adjust her thinking. Even minor changes, such as suggesting I buy a microwave so I can cook independently is met with resistance.