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Am I being selfish? Seeing my dad

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TSR's new app is coming! Sign up here to try it first >> 17-10-2016
    • Thread Starter

    Hi right well I wouldn't normally make this kind of post, but I'm quite upset and would like to see what people think about my situation.

    Just a quick history - my parents have been divorced since I was about 5 which is fine, and they have both re-married. I live with my mum and step-dad, and I rarely see my dad as he lives 3 hrs away and I have school and work on weekends although I do skype him once a week.

    I'm going to uni this year and I am getting a maintenance loan which will not even cover my accommodation. Obviously I will get a job when I get there to earn as much money as possible, and I will be working full time (bar about 9 days on holiday abroad) from now until I leave home.

    Long story short, I have planned to see my dad for 1 week this summer - my mum is angry that I've done this and we have just had a massive argument. She said I must get my priorities straight and that seeing my dad (and my grandparents in wales) for a week isn't one of them.

    I'm just really upset because I know sometimes my dad is a massive dick (because of things he has said and done in the past) but I want to see him and my grandparents as well because I don't know what uni will be like and how much time I will be able to spend with him in the hols in the future. I just feel really sad because I can't go against my mum as she is helping me financially and I really am so grateful, and I want to make equal effort to show my gratitude and that I'm willing to work hard.

    Am I being selfish? Any advice or opinions are fully welcome and thanks if you actually read my short novel

    No you're really not being selfish at all here.

    One week is fine - considered the total time off for Summer you get and its not like you're seeing a friend or just anyone, it's your close relatives! your dad! Go for it Your mum, she'll get over it.

    OK dad bit I can see but your mum should not stop you seeing your grampies!

    Respect her wishes to a point as she is helping you but calmly explain the grandparents thing.

    Posted from TSR Mobile

    Why is she angry? Are you spending money to make the trip?

    If youre spending money to go up there then I can understand her anger, and although I do understand wanting to see your dad and grandparents, I would have to agree with her if that were the case. Like you said shes supporting you financially, and because of the uni situation thinks you should be saving as much as possible so that you struggle less (and as she will have to spend more to support you). I can see why she would say you should prioritise, and being able to afford living in uni should be your top priority.

    If the issue isnt about spending money, then there shouldnt be an issue at all. He's your dad and noone should decide how you should treat him, regardless of whatever he has done. Its your decision, because you are his child, not your mum. You should be free to see him without getting heat for it

    Has she explained what her actual problem is with you spending a week with you dad is?
    • Thread Starter

    (Original post by Tiger Rag)
    Has she explained what her actual problem is with you spending a week with you dad is?
    She is frustrated that I want to spend time with him when in her mind I wouldn't have to be working so much if he helped out financially (which i acknowledge is true). As it is, he will be helping out by contributing £100 per month whilst I am away (it took a few arguments over the phone between the two of them to agree to this). I know it sounds bad but my mum says it still isn't really enough, hence the reason i will still be working full time. I am of the opinion that it is better than nothing at all, but my mum is still annoyed with him and i can see why...

    I don't want to show my mum up or portray her in a bad light at all, because i appreciate her support so much, it's just a difficult situation and i wish she could understand the way i feel
    • Thread Starter

    [QUOTE=Leecyyy;66024243]Why is she angry? Are you spending money to make the trip?

    Hiya, no I would not have to pay for the trip, he normally picks me up and then we'd stay at my grandparents' house

    your mum is being unreasonable, I can see her frustration but tbh he is your dad and it's your choice whether or not you see him, for the record, uni holidays are usually quite long and you often get reading weeks so you should be able to visit

    I can see your mums frustration but at the end of the day he is your dad and as you've said you don't see him often enough so there's no reason as to why you shouldn't see him and your grandparents and you are old enough to make your own decision as to whether or not you see him and your grandparents

    Posted from TSR Mobile

    Agreed, your mum is being unreasonable.

    I sympathise with her as it sounds like she has had to do a lot of work looking out for you and forcing him to do his part, but ultimately it isn't her place to try and deprive you of your father.

    Additionally, it's unreasonable to refuse to go on holiday to visit him because he's "only" giving you £100 a month.

    Incidentally, why is your maintenance loan so small/your rent so high?

    I was typically able to cover my rent with the old £3500 loan and now as I understand it the minimum is £5000?

    I can totally relate

    My parents got divorced when I was 4 and I hadn't seen my dad in 12 years (I'm 16 now), obviously I'm not a big fan of his but my older siblings encouraged me to visit him with them
    It was a very uncomfortable thought.
    I didn't want to know him or be around him

    Long story short, I put aside my thoughts and went to visit him, i didn't regret my decision because I found out a lot about him I otherwise wouldn't have known

    So NO you're not being selfish

    I'd encourage you to visit him!

    Your mum will probably gradually understand
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