why do people put their partners down?

I think putting your partner down is going a bit far.... maybe talk to them instead.

Maybe I've just had a string of bad luck with all the guys I've met, dated and had proper serious relationships with. Maybe I go for the same type of guy, who knows. But with every single guy I've been with, he has always put me down in some way. I have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of myself, despite everyone around me telling me otherwise (and I know being negative and putting myself down isn't fun but I try not to do it too much around my friends). In relationships I've been called ugly, fat, unintelligent, not interesting enough, the list goes on. But the thing I don't really understand is why, if youre with someone then surely youre attracted to them, so if you think theyre so unappealing and have so many bad qualities, then why are these guys with me in the first place?

And not to sound mean, but I've done some googling on it and the results have varied from its an inferiority complex and the guys are insecure so they fear you meeting someone better so they put you down to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't leave. this certainly applied to one of my relationships, my partner was never happy with any of my achievements and even said he didn't want me to go to uni cos I might "meet someone better". so i was called ugly and put down regularly. i tolerated it until eventually i left. and now i try to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but i dont get *why* these guys think its acceptable to say these things in the first place, do they think its gonna make a girl stick around? youd have to be a massive pushover to allow someone to treat you like that.

I even dated a guy who criticised me before we were even official, he pointed out my physical flaws on dates and told me he wanted to "change everything about me" - the way I dress, look etc. Obviously I ran for the hills.

And yes, I know women can be guilty of this too, but I can only express it from the experiences I've had with men.

maybe some guys can shed a light on it. maybe other girls have had similar experiences. But to have it with *every* guy you date, it starts to become really strange, you think, why are these men trying to make me dump them? why do they think its okay to say these things? and its not just happened to me, my friends boyfriend told her her boobs werent big enough, a comment ive also had thrown at me "i wish your boobs were bigger".

I just think its crazy that either these guys dont even think these things through before they say them, or they really think that talking to women like that is going to make them have successful relationships.

If I said anything like that to a guy on a date, I wouldnt expect him to call me again.

TL;DR: why do guys (and women) make negative comments to their partners, e.g. ugly, fat, small boobs, etc., because if you think that badly of someone then why are you with them in the first place?

Yeah Im aware of this, I said that I ditched the guy who told me he wanted to change me. I dont need a relationship to help me gain some self esteem, I need to do that myself, youre right, but Im not looking for a guy to do this for me. But what I'm saying is why do these guys behave this way in the first place, I dont go around calling people ugly fat etc or insulting them in any way, and I especially wouldnt do it to someone Ive been dating for years, who I "love" etc. I know Im maybe attracting the wrong type of guys but these guys usually act super nice to everyone else, so no one even believes me when I tell them the things theyve said and how theyve treated me. :/

Maybe I've just had a string of bad luck with all the guys I've met, dated and had proper serious relationships with. Maybe I go for the same type of guy, who knows. But with every single guy I've been with, he has always put me down in some way. I have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of myself, despite everyone around me telling me otherwise (and I know being negative and putting myself down isn't fun but I try not to do it too much around my friends). In relationships I've been called ugly, fat, unintelligent, not interesting enough, the list goes on. But the thing I don't really understand is why, if youre with someone then surely youre attracted to them, so if you think theyre so unappealing and have so many bad qualities, then why are these guys with me in the first place?

And not to sound mean, but I've done some googling on it and the results have varied from its an inferiority complex and the guys are insecure so they fear you meeting someone better so they put you down to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't leave. this certainly applied to one of my relationships, my partner was never happy with any of my achievements and even said he didn't want me to go to uni cos I might "meet someone better". so i was called ugly and put down regularly. i tolerated it until eventually i left. and now i try to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but i dont get *why* these guys think its acceptable to say these things in the first place, do they think its gonna make a girl stick around? youd have to be a massive pushover to allow someone to treat you like that.

I even dated a guy who criticised me before we were even official, he pointed out my physical flaws on dates and told me he wanted to "change everything about me" - the way I dress, look etc. Obviously I ran for the hills.

And yes, I know women can be guilty of this too, but I can only express it from the experiences I've had with men.

maybe some guys can shed a light on it. maybe other girls have had similar experiences. But to have it with *every* guy you date, it starts to become really strange, you think, why are these men trying to make me dump them? why do they think its okay to say these things? and its not just happened to me, my friends boyfriend told her her boobs werent big enough, a comment ive also had thrown at me "i wish your boobs were bigger".

I just think its crazy that either these guys dont even think these things through before they say them, or they really think that talking to women like that is going to make them have successful relationships.

If I said anything like that to a guy on a date, I wouldnt expect him to call me again.

TL;DR: why do guys (and women) make negative comments to their partners, e.g. ugly, fat, small boobs, etc., because if you think that badly of someone then why are you with them in the first place?

Insecurity, immaturity, power, disrespect, selfishness manifesting itself in an inability to support.
Agree with the people who say you are picking the wrong type of guy.
Also you may need to address your secondary response and speed of dumping them if you failed to spot the put down tendencies in your initial screening.

There is no reason any individual should put up with it. There are enough people in this world ready to put you down, so you need support and loyalty from someone who professes to be in a relationship with you. Dont dwell on it, just get it sorted and enforce your standards.

I don't have any magical words of advice, I just wanted to post to tell you I totally get what you mean. I'm a girl with the exact same relationship pattern as you - for some reason have happy relationships for a few months and then the guy starts putting me down, telling me I need to exercise and my clothes aren't good enough and I need to dress better or my boobs are too small (I've had that too) I'm not good in bed, blah blah blah. I've lost count of the ways I've been insulted, and I got sick of it too. 99% of other people tell me how gorgeous and funny blah blah I am yet my boyfriends seem to always want to put me down!

I started to feel the exact same way as you - that men are just a dark cloud over me! Since I stopped bothering with dating, I've got a fantastic job and bought my own flat. Plus my friendships are healthier than ever and I've got zero drama in my life. I decided not to try and if a lovely guy drops into my lap then great, but I don't need any more negative energy in my life sucking the soul out of me, I'm actually at my happiest when single. I would advise you to do what others on here have told you - get faster at dumping them and get happy in your own life and I wish you lots of happiness because nobody deserves to be insulted the way you have.