Being with someone you love, who doesn't love you back.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year, and I completely adore him, I love the absolute bones of him. The thing is, he doesn't love me, and I don't know what to do anymore.
When I first told him that I loved him, he told me that he doesn't have the capacity to love anymore - he has had two serious relationships before me, the last one being a few years ago, and he loved both of those girls, but says that he does not have the capacity to love anyone anymore. He has never told me what happened with his last girlfriend, but I know that he was going to move down South to be with her and that he fell into a really bad depression after they split, so I'm guessing whatever it was really hurt him and messed him up emotionally. He does have some mental health problems too, again I don't know the full extent of these, but I know that they are fairly prevalent in his life and may stem these feelings.
At first, I was of course hurt, but I love him so much I've been thinking that I have a big enough capacity to love to carry us both through. And I do utterly adore him, and would do anything at all to make him happy, and reassure him daily that his best interests are my interests and that I love all of him for who he is. But lately the situation has been completely breaking my heart. It's hard when the best you get back is "you do yeah" or "I think you're totally cool". I question whether it is that he can't love anyone, or if he is waiting for someone else in particular or maybe just someone better than me. His family know all about me, I have met his grandparents, aunties and uncles etc several times and spend a great deal of time with him and his parents, and his best friends know about me too, but his other friends, including all of his female friends, know nothing at all about me and he presents himself as not being in a relationship. I worry too that he is getting with other girls when he goes on nights out as his friends do and they take them back to his house.
I'm torn because I know he does struggle with his mental health issues, and I don't want to push him into talking about things that he's not comfortable with or ready to, and equally I don't want to be accusative with him. I try to be encouraging and compassionate all of the time and just be a source of love to him in the hope that he can open up to me and we can work through it. But I'm also worried that he doesn't want to, that he has no intention of ever loving me or building a life with me and that he is having his cake and eating it right now.
I don't know what to do at all, it's got to the point where I am breaking my heart over the situation at least once a week now and I can't go on hurting like this. I just want to do the right thing, I want to be supportive to him but I recognise that I need to think about myself a little here because I am hurting so much. I think really it would help if he could open up to me so I could understand everything, and I want to try and get him to talk to me about things, but I don't want to push him as I respect his difficulties. I guess I thought that after all this time there would be some sort of progress, but I'm not sure that there has been. He has said that he does care about me a lot, but it isn't the same thing. I'm willing to work at this as hard as is needed and to be as patient as he needs to be, but I just don't know what to do - I realise that he needs to want to work at it too, and of course I don't know if he does. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is? Can anyone give me any advice? Thank you for reading, I realise it's quite long! And for any advice you can give, it's appreciated
When I first told him that I loved him, he told me that he doesn't have the capacity to love anymore - he has had two serious relationships before me, the last one being a few years ago, and he loved both of those girls, but says that he does not have the capacity to love anyone anymore. He has never told me what happened with his last girlfriend, but I know that he was going to move down South to be with her and that he fell into a really bad depression after they split, so I'm guessing whatever it was really hurt him and messed him up emotionally. He does have some mental health problems too, again I don't know the full extent of these, but I know that they are fairly prevalent in his life and may stem these feelings.
At first, I was of course hurt, but I love him so much I've been thinking that I have a big enough capacity to love to carry us both through. And I do utterly adore him, and would do anything at all to make him happy, and reassure him daily that his best interests are my interests and that I love all of him for who he is. But lately the situation has been completely breaking my heart. It's hard when the best you get back is "you do yeah" or "I think you're totally cool". I question whether it is that he can't love anyone, or if he is waiting for someone else in particular or maybe just someone better than me. His family know all about me, I have met his grandparents, aunties and uncles etc several times and spend a great deal of time with him and his parents, and his best friends know about me too, but his other friends, including all of his female friends, know nothing at all about me and he presents himself as not being in a relationship. I worry too that he is getting with other girls when he goes on nights out as his friends do and they take them back to his house.
I'm torn because I know he does struggle with his mental health issues, and I don't want to push him into talking about things that he's not comfortable with or ready to, and equally I don't want to be accusative with him. I try to be encouraging and compassionate all of the time and just be a source of love to him in the hope that he can open up to me and we can work through it. But I'm also worried that he doesn't want to, that he has no intention of ever loving me or building a life with me and that he is having his cake and eating it right now.
I don't know what to do at all, it's got to the point where I am breaking my heart over the situation at least once a week now and I can't go on hurting like this. I just want to do the right thing, I want to be supportive to him but I recognise that I need to think about myself a little here because I am hurting so much. I think really it would help if he could open up to me so I could understand everything, and I want to try and get him to talk to me about things, but I don't want to push him as I respect his difficulties. I guess I thought that after all this time there would be some sort of progress, but I'm not sure that there has been. He has said that he does care about me a lot, but it isn't the same thing. I'm willing to work at this as hard as is needed and to be as patient as he needs to be, but I just don't know what to do - I realise that he needs to want to work at it too, and of course I don't know if he does. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is? Can anyone give me any advice? Thank you for reading, I realise it's quite long! And for any advice you can give, it's appreciated
the answer is simple, find some one who does love you
In the words of the Supremes, ‘Love don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.'
All I can say is I'm sorry that this is happening. Being somebody in a serious relationship for a few years I completely understand what it's like to love somebody but couldn't imagine how you feel. Stay strong. ❤️
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