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My experience of Depression

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    My intention is not to create attention, not to troll or anything like that. My intention is to express my experience of this depressive period of life. And maybe find ways to help my self. I'm 16 years old in which I have finished my GCSE's and awaiting for my results. In terms of my self, I'm somewhat a good student. I am also male.

    Depression affects everyone in some part of their lives and it most definitely does affect me as of now. The constant overthinking, self loathing, crying your self. Given that I'm male, society doesn't like to see males being "weak" or anything. In which puts more pressure towards me as well as my personal life. In terms of family life, I don't have an abusive family or anything like that. My depression is due to my perception of my self.

    From my point of view, I seem to think that through my experiences like, relationships, friendships, I'm the one that's causing the problems. I seem to be the one that makes the unforgivable mistakes. Somewhat, I don't even deserve happiness. I think of the bad things I've done and begin to hate my self for it. It's like seeing the people who have also mistreated me are having such a happy life and prospering through grades, social activities and just being happy.

    Whereas, I'm just alone, thinking karma has hit me. I feel like everything is my fault, all the negativity and everything, it's all my fault and I can't think of anything and just hate my self for it. I constantly think I'm the bad person. And it's to the point in where I cry, I don't have any right to cry. I just think I'm incompetent.

    I never open up to anyone because they'll just think I'm vulnerable and insecure and just create more negative vibes. I've learnt this through my relationship in which I can't even cry to my ex (when we were together) because she doesn't to see my become vulnerable. Besides that, I've helped her to achieve better grades in which she is. I'm happy for her as she's prospering in life and getting the things she wants. Although she mistreated me and through gut feeling seeing that she lost interest in me by not even being wanting to stay by my side by using real life things that is happening to her (Family problems etc) to not want to be with me anymore. So I decided to breakup with her as I see that's the best for my self as the relationship affected my other aspects of life. Even because of that, I still hate my self for it but also happy seeing that she's going on well with her life and everything so I don't want to bother it in anyway.

    But as for me, I somehow am the one that karma wants to hit at. I feel like i deserve all the crap. I feel trapped. Even from the people I am close with, I envy them. Despite through their personal struggles, they seem to be enjoying life and are happy. Whereas I'm secluded, and be alone and just ruminate all the mistakes I've done to people. In terms of school, I'm aiming for A/A*s in GCSE's in which I have revised hard for.

    I'm currently reading this book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne in which I've learnt about the concepts of the law of attraction, in which where you think negative things, then the universe will bring negative things to your life. Already by thinking of this, it makes me feel worse. It's like, I don't even want to think negative things but through the actions I've done, I DESERVE IT.

    This isn't the first time I've experience depression through my life. I've had a period of feeling depression when I was 14 in which only lasted a couple of months, in which I learned some lessons of not having to seek validation from people and also being in love with someone who I know I'll never be with. (Ironically, this was the same person I had been in a relationship with recently). The way I managed to get my self through out of this was through self improvement. Such as working out, focusing more on my studies. However, this time, it's silent and harder.

    You know it's useless to try to improve your self as you're already seeing people doing better than you. I feel incompetent. I don't want my self to be in this state, I want to get on with life and prosper my self without having these thoughts to haunt me, making me think I'm a bad persons. Therefore, I decided to create a vision board. I hope to get into Britain top universities to study medicine or mathematics. But first, I want to start accepting my self, and be at peace with my mind. I do apologize for this long post. I want to hear from anyone else's recovery from depression. All is appreciated. Thank you.

    This is a really late reply I'm sorry. Struggling to read it all a bit but it sounds like you've been through a horrible time. I can relate to a lot of it myself, particularly around hating myself and thinking I deserve everything. Have you ever seen a doctor about it all or had any kind of counselling or CBT? CBT in particular could really be worth it I think, GP is a very good place to start though. I can't really comment on recovery much but hopefully someone else can, really hope things get better for you soon anyway!
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