I intend to live my whole life in the closet, is that wrong?

So I'm 18 now, I've been sexually attracted to other boys since probably 13 years old, I've experimented with mutual masturbation and some touching with my best friend when we were younger (he's not gay and he doesn't think I am either) but I've only had sex/sexual acts with girls. I'm now pretty sure that I'm gay but I'm so ashamed of it, and I hate the idea of being a gay person. I still find girls attractive and I can flirt with girls and stuff so instead of coming out and being something I'd be ashamed of I intend to to live my whole life in the closer, get married, children the whole lot because I want to live a normal life, I want marriage and a family, I don't want to be gay, so why should I have to be openly gay? Is that wrong? Is that unfair on my future girlfriends/wife? I haven't told anyone this, and I don't ever intend to.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

sugarflower

I mean, it's not wrong, it sounds pretty sad though.

Would you every really love the woman you'll marry in future? You'll probably end up doing some hookups at some stage and it may blow up in your face and make your situation worse.

You're only 18, you have a lot more growing to do so you may not even feel like this in 10 years, but think about it. You only have one life.

Reply 2

math42

If you find girls attractive and were compelled to have sex with them what makes you think you're gay?

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by 1 8 13 20 42

If you find girls attractive and were compelled to have sex with them what makes you think you're gay?

tbh I just did it because that's what she expected, if I didn't people might know that I'm gay

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by sugarflower

I don't know, I've never been in love but there's girls I love spending time with so basically my thinking is I could spends years with a woman and enjoy them and have fun and stuff without anyone knowing that I'm gay.

That's true I might feel differently years from now..

Reply 5

The_Lonely_Goatherd

I wouldn't have deemed it wrong if you were planning to remain single your whole life but dragging a wife (who I presume you would never reveal your true sexuality to?) and children into living a lie is quite unfair :sadnod:

What is it exactly that makes you ashamed of being gay? :console:

Reply 6

sleepysnooze

yes that is wrong - how can you deny who you are? surely that's a declaration of your non-existent self-worth?

Reply 7

celloel

It's incredibly wrong and unfair to the wife/girlfriend and children.

Do what you want with your life, but don't bring someone else into a lie. That's cruel.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

What is it exactly that makes you ashamed of being gay? :console:

It wouldn't necessarily be a lie. I could still love my children, and I could make both my wife and family very happy, it wouldn't be a sad life, I'd just have a terrible secret that I would not tell said wife.

I'm not homophobic, I have nothing against gay people but I just cannot see myself being openly gay, it would change my entire life, like I couldn't imagine doing all the things I currently do with a boyfriend, for example, I literally cannot imagine bringing a boyfriend to the horse races as my friends do with their girlfriends because it would feel wrong, like out of place and I'd feel so embarrassed.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by sleepysnooze

yes that is wrong - how can you deny who you are? surely that's a declaration of your non-existent self-worth?

I don't agree that your sexuality is who one is. I am a person beyond my sexuality, I aspire to achieve great things and I certainly believe I have self worth, the only difference is I like guys but I will never be with one, that doesn't make me a non-person, I'll still be happy, I'll still be fun and have my same personality.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by celloel

It's incredibly wrong and unfair to the wife/girlfriend and children.

Do what you want with your life, but don't bring someone else into a lie. That's cruel.

But it won't be a lie, especially not to my children, I can love my children wholly, as will my wife. My future wife will be someone that I enjoy the company of enormously, and I will have sex with like any married couple, I'll just have a secret that I'll never act on and they'll never know of, so it's not unfair on them. If anything it's unfair on me but that's a sacrafice I'm will to make to live the life I want to live without the feeling of shame and embarrassment and guilt I'd feel. Also, I really want children, not adopted ones, actually children of mine, not surrogate or anything unnatural, I want children who I can love and care for and I hate the idea of a child with two daddies, I don't know how that would work.

Reply 11

Darelz

Original post by Anonymous

I still find girls attractive and I can flirt with girls and stuff so instead of coming out and being something I'd be ashamed of I intend to to live my whole life in the closer, get married, children the whole lot because I want to live a normal life, I want marriage and a family, I don't want to be gay, so why should I have to be openly gay?

How attracted to girls are you? You could be bi or something like that. Worth considering if you haven't already.

Original post by Anonymous

Is that wrong? Is that unfair on my future girlfriends/wife? I haven't told anyone this, and I don't ever intend to.

It... depends. There's no straightforward answer, sorry. It's possible that your feelings could negatively affect your relationship, in which case it would be unfair. But it's not definitely wrong as we can't accurately predict how it will affect your relationship, perhaps you'll be fine. I'd advise considering whether or not you'd want your partner to decieve you about their sexuality, this might help you figure out what you think is right to do?

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Original post by Darelz

How attracted to girls are you? You could be bi or something like that. Worth considering if you haven't already.

It... depends. There's no straightforward answer, sorry. It's possible that your feelings could negatively affect your relationship, in which case it would be unfair. But it's not definitely wrong as we can't accurately predict how it will affect your relationship, perhaps you'll be fine. I'd advise considering whether or not you'd want your partner to decieve you about their sexuality, this might help you figure out what you think is right to do?

Girls are generally attracted to me but I get a bit shy as soon as it goes beyond flirting or kissing, like it doesn't feel natural.

Thanks for your advice x

Reply 13

Darelz

Original post by Anonymous

Girls are generally attracted to me but I get a bit shy as soon as it goes beyond flirting or kissing, like it doesn't feel natural.

Thanks for your advice x

Well, there are no straightfoward answers with sexuality, but I'm sure you can figure things out for yourself. :smile:

You're welcome, although can I ask a question? Why do you feel it is better to have the pain of living a lie like that, one which may (or may not) end causing problems for other people, than ever trying to become comfortable with your sexual orientation? Why do you want to go straight to this 'extreme' of never coming out, and not try to see if you can come to terms with the shame? Surely you've heard stories of other gay men who have done managed to overcome their shame and guilt to happily live out of the closet, so I'm curious why you don't consider that an option?

Reply 14

Tsrsarahhhh

Are you're sure you're actually gay, you might be bisexual if you still find girls attractive and you've had sex with them. However you say you still find girls attractive yet this feeling may be mixed up with feelings of denial, since you don't want to be gay/ you want children in the future. Think about it, if you GENUINELY feel as if you're attracted to both men and women, I guess there is potential for you to marry a woman in the future and not feel any regret. However, if it's the case that your just gay, I would highly advise you not to hide it/ enter a relationship with a woman. In the long run you won't be able to make her fully happy and this would be unfair to all parties in the relationship, you, your wife the children etc.

Reply 15

Twinpeaks

I think there's absolutely no rush, come out when you are ready. You may not always feel this way.

But, I think deciding to live your entire life in the closet, have a wife you can never romantically love, is a more or less sure route to depression. You won't be happy.

My advice (although there's no reason for you to take a random strangers advice) would be to live your life comfortably in the closet for some years, but open up to the prospect of being openly gay in the future. You are depriving yourself of love and happiness otherwise.

Plus you can still adopt kids :smile:

Reply 16

ckfeister

Original post by Anonymous

Its unfair to your future gf/wife yes because you won't actually love them... why not be gay? Whats even wrong with it?

Reply 17

Ladymusiclover

It's a bit unfair on the woman if you do go on to date and live with a woman. She's being deceived. Most people who choose this life tend to remain single.

Reply 18

Give_Me_Summer

How will you get food and water?

Reply 19

Tootles

Original post by Anonymous

Sounds more like you're bi. Welcome to the club.

You can be attracted to men and not act on it without being closeted. I consider myself to be bisexual, and my parents, girlfriend, and close friends know that. It's not something I hide because I'm ashamed; it's something I don't see any point in talking much about because it's not really of any consequence.