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Ex behaving strangely.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your reply, all good stuff.

    So, I've wracked my brain for what I might have done - I certainly didn't overtext, and can't think of a time when I showed any particular insecurity.

    After we slept together, since I know she was still somewhat caught up over her ex and was depressed/bulimic as a result, I told her that if I was just a distraction to her, a rebound, then it wasn't a good idea. She assured me that this wasn't the case in any sense and wanted to see me more over the Summer. This was prior to the meet where she was pretty keen, holding hands etc.

    I recently suggested we meet up when she contacted me out of the blue. She agreed but was again wishy-washy in terms of a day. I suggested something, she said she would have to check as might be busy. Two days later, on the suggested day of the meet, having not contacted me in between at all to confirm or suggest an alternative, she randomly messaged to say 'fancy a coffee'. Having not heard anything, I had made plans. Plus, a daytime coffee doesn't create the opportunity for sex or bonding imo. So I suggested meeting that eve, but she was again busy.
    She'll contact you again, I'm sure of it.

    Then you can just invite her out. If she's wish-washy about it again, just say "That's a shame, well let me know when you're free!".

    And then proceed to go no contact until/if she contacts you again

    It's simple. Let her chase you.

    You don't know what is in someone else's mind or what has happened in their life so analysing yourself eg "did I do something wrong?" is probably fruitless and likely to be well off the mark.

    People go back to their ex's for brief flings for various reasons, a common one is if other things have happened (they have been rejected/dumped) and they think their ex still likes them they will go back to get some attention. Yes it can be just about getting some action but I think its generally more wanting the confidence boost of having someone that they know will pay them attention. Sometimes it can be mutually beneficial to maintain an arms-length pseudo-relationship with an ex as you then both feel you have someone 'close' who will give you attention in various forms but a brutal truth here is that when one party finds someone new in their life, their interest in the ex can drop like a stone and they can move to cut off completely because they don't want it to jeopardise things with their new interest.

    I had that kind of thing with my ex for a while, we'd occasionally meet up and get together but it was more than that, sometimes we'd just flirt on WhatsApp and it was nice to get the attention, other times if we were stressed/worried about something in her life we'd call the other as a safe bet who we knew would be on our side and supportive. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether we should get back together - because the personality clashes that had made us split up were still there, but in an "ex's" relationship they weren't as relevant as they would be if we fully got together. But there would be little moments if we were together when it was obvious that the chemistry was there and we still really liked the other a lot. The other weird thing was when we were in that "ex's" status, I spent much more time fantasizing over her, social media stalking her pics, than I did when we were together, and I got jealous about any idea that she might get with someone else. It was always a case of thinking about the trade-offs and whether it would actually work again or whether it would just be massively stressful being with her because we'd clash.

    Then when I found someone else, harsh to say but my interest in my ex completely dropped off my radar. I would still be nice to her if she contacted me but I never initiated contact and the sexual flirting has stopped or meeting up to get together. After a while she started to pick up on it saying stuff like "you never ask to meet up with me any more". I think the difference is that when I found someone else that doesn't come with all the difficult behavioural traits that my ex had, there's no more debate in my mind about "are the downsides worth giving it another chance" and my ex has just become an ex who I'm still fundamentally on good terms with.

    If I hadn't have found someone else what would have happened...who knows, I don't know if I'd have wanted to get back with her properly, probably we'd have carried on our existing arrangement, and maybe it even may have gone the other way, she might have found someone and I'd be stewing with jealousy on the outside?

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Is that a reflection upon me or?

    What I don'tunderstand is that she told me "I've decided all I want is to be happy from now on".

    In more or less the same sentence, she told me that we "get on better" than she does with almost anyone and "I still haven't felt the same way I felt about you about anyone else, and doubt whether I will. Maybe that's why I want to see you". Surely that would lead her to want to pursue things with me?

    Sucks that we were once SO close, meant so much to each other and now she sees me as nothing more than another option. She certainly has options but is constantly saying, unprompted, that I've meant more to her than anyone else, and still do in some respects.
    No not a reflection on you, just seems funny how she dropped you when she went to uni and suddenly got back in touch when she was home, just makes me think she still wants to keep you around for when she does come home.

    It's a girl dude. They're weird and it's often impossible to understand them.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Why be so enthused, so keen and then suddenly go cold!?
    This is all you need to ask her (why so hot and cold?), ideally face to face, if not phone, if not social media, if not text

    Good luck, Jim
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