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How I feel about my father

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TSR's new app is coming! Sign up here to try it first >> 17-10-2016
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    Just feel the need to rant/rave. Its a bit complicated and I can understand that people all have different opinions, so I'll try to remain open-minded. Through life, on paper and in general I've had it good, great even. My dad always provided, yet only in an economic sense. When I grew older, I learnt he had many debts and food usually was second to subsidise his, what I would call, alcohol problem. He was always anti-intellectual, never approved of my rejection of his 'morals' and core values.

    From the start then, my mother is the best ever. I am fairly certain I wouldn't be here today without her support. However, when she met my dad and had my sister and me, she was clearly not happy with their relationship. He also had a history. my dad- caught his last wife with another man and beat them both senseless-more on that later.

    When I was young, I remember rejecting certain foods, when this happened my dad would flip, never talk it through and instead attack me for being 'weak' and 'different' and would never attempt to solve the problem. This would develop to me being slightly paranoid and also being put off by many foods, junk food is more palatable, which led to weight gain and low self-esteem. My dad knew this, and then criticised me for my weight. I always took my problems to my mum, but she was as trapped as me. My mum is not the most enterprising or business minded, and all her life only worked minimum wage jobs. She didn't want to throw away a 'stable' environment for her young children or be subject to harassment from my dad or his 'contacts' and at any rate, my dad had managed to make my mum and sister work with him at the company he was a Managing Director at, he was paranoid my mum could work up the ranks if she went elsewhere and ensured she stayed in a minimum wage position at a company he essentially had free reign over.

    My dad would often get angry for no reason, claiming we were embarrassing him or disrespecting him in public and storm out of restaurants and pubs, when we were just being quiet, and this scared me to the extent I dreaded going out by 13, knowing that it was more likely than not for him to get angry and blame us all for ruining his day, belittling us as usual.

    By Year 6, I was happier. My dad had entered a 'lull' and I had a social life despite never usually liking people for most of my life. That was when my dad decided to move down to the southwest to set up a new business and tore me way from it all. My aunt convinced me he was doing what was best for us. I went to a grammar school where the bullying began when I had just entered Year 7 and needed glasses, but this again angered my dad. His cruel nicknames hurt too, which he would often use instead of my name, usually about my weight or eyesight. After 4 months, the business failed and we moved back (this was 2008, our house wasn't able to be sold) and I had found a girl I quite liked and one of my best friends at primary had moved on, ignoring me completely. After this, I became reclusive and introverted, I used to play on the streets at 12, by 14 I never did.

    At 14, my mum became slightly depressed, after losing her mother and father within a decade of each other, in 2011. My father couldn't understand a week after why she was still grieving, and kept asking about his inheritance. My sister and I fought bitterly with him over this, my dad kept asking for it as was his 'right' eventually my mum got a nice Audi and I got a nice computer, and my sister a new wardrobe full of clothes. My dad got a new kitchen and enough money to keep him in pubs for many weeks afterwards.

    In 2013, I was looking to go into A-levels to pursue my passion for history. My dad again said I was 'useless, lazy, bone idle, ugly and stupid' and I should work in his warehouse as a lifter, instead of going to university ultimately. I ignored this, my upbringing made me have a very poor opinion of him, my mother's support and willingness to discuss my issues and how to improve myself against my fathers support in the form of put-downs and lack of empathy or love. On her birthday that year, my dad got angry at me and my mum for not knowing what to order in time whilst he went to the bar, and drove back in a manic fashion, attacking me and my mum and attempting to choke me when we got home. My mum had enough and went to a hotel to get away and I went with her when my dad said I wasn't welcome in his home. This was during exam period, and I had left my pens and exam card at the house when I realised I had an exam the next day, he refused to let my mum in and followed me to ensure I didn't take anything else. I did the exam and then my mum was running out of money so about June 2013 returned to the house, me along with her.

    Later that year, things looked up, I was accepted into sixth form and my aunt bought me Leeds-fest tickets to see Eminem, but I was disappointed by the acts,. The night before I was excited to see my favourite artist, I got a phone call from my neighbour saying my mum was in hospital and that my dad was arrested. I was shocked and left immediately with the little money I had and got a train home. My mum was discharged, and then I saw the extent- big bruises all over, clumps of hair removed and a fractured rib. I just cried for hours, then started talking to my sister and the neighbours. My sister was also away at a friends whilst I was at Leeds-fest, so my neighbours and police accounts were what I looked at- my dad had assumed my mum was cheating on him when she spoke to a mutual male friend. The neighbours heard screams and went to investigate, my dad was hitting my mum 'like a man' said one statement. They pulled him off and called the police, my mum was unconscious and and ambulance was called.

    I was supporting my mum after she had supported me for a decade and a half, and then my dad begged me and my sister for forgiveness, but when let out on bail kept calling me and meeting me and saying I had 'responsibilities' and that everyone could deserve a 'second chance'. Before the trial, my dad's brother and employer took advantage of my mums mental state and gave threats, warnings and advances towards her. If she spoke against him, they said, they would fire her and my sister and make it impossible for her to get work again. My dad kept calling and breaking bail conditions by asking forgiveness. In the event, when my dads employer had hired a top lawyer to defend him, my mum didn't testify, and the Crown Court gave him a two year suspended sentence. This annoyed me that he, in my view, was given a 'free pass' and inspired me to look at being a lawyer in the future.

    Once he was out. he blamed me for never being close with him or sharing his interests in football and alcohol. He bought a caravan and forgot to give me a room, I slept on the sofa and he insisted I go every weekend for three months, until I faced off with him, when this happened, he choked me and held me up against a wall, threatening me again. After he beat my mum, I was told he had hit her when I was very young. I was feeling suicidal by now, and just stayed at home and went to school, trying to pass my A-levels. Whilst I stayed at home, my dad threatened my mum with a knife and my sister with a chair, at new years 2013, he got angry at a DJ for messing with the music.

    By 2014, my mum had enough and we moved albeit with him still there. By May, my dad left my mum, and by June, had met a rich woman his age who worked for the council. Me, my mum and sister were now quite poor, still are, but my mum got a job as a cleaner, 18 months later shes now a supervisor for a warehouse. My sister moved out and got closer with my dad, who now enjoys cruises and expensive restaurants whilst my mum and I struggle to pay for food and rent, but luckily I got into university and my student loan helps a long way. No holidays, but existence is enough.

    Wow, that was a long post, sorry if it was very long, but I'm better now and passed my first year of uni and am trying to enjoy life more than I did 18 months ago, I just wanted to get this out there for some crazy reason, and an explanation of why I reject everything my dad stands for. Football and alcohol are not for me at all, I deplore violence except where needed and am a feminist (more second wave, I agree the third wave has horseshoed into misandry) and looking at journalism or being a lawyer as a career. My dad still asks through my sister why I don't talk to him anymore, particularly when my sister and his group of friends didn't cut ties with him, He may have money, but my mum gave me what I needed and think life is about; support, love and understanding.Feel

    TLDR; I don't like my dad, may seem petty but I disagree fundamentally on many issues such as race, gender and altruism as well as hobbies that I struggle to see a reason why I should ever talk to him again, any questions/counterpoints welcome.

    Wow!!! So unfortunate! I am happy that you and your mum are now ok. I wish you all the best and good luck in your career. May God Bless the both of you!

    This was such a hard post to read. You don't need a father like that in your life! You are strong, independent and successful. Money is perishable but love isn't. You are in a better state now than you were all those years ago. I wouldn't say forget about it, I would say use it as a motivator (to be a better person), deterrent (to never be the person your father was) and a reminder that even though you faced hardship you came through it stronger than ever.


    I m so sorry you went through this with your father, it's completely understandable you don't want any contact with him.
    I don't have contact with two cousins after what they did to me and our dying grandad, other members of the family still speak to them but I ve stuck to my guns and I think they now understand why I won't forgive them. So do what's best for you
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