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Am I being unreasonable?

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    • Thread Starter

    Hi All

    Just wanted a bit of advice, I have been with my boyfriend for just over 7 years and we are in the process of saving up for a house together. Today as I'm about to get out of the car to go into a meeting he tells me he's thinking hypothetically of moving out and renting a house with two of his friends around September time because his neighbours where he lives currently annoy him (he lives rent free with his grandparents round the corner from where I live with my parents). He told me he didn't need my opinion or permission but he wanted to tell me about the idea.

    I respond by telling him he doesn't necessarily know if neighbours in a new place would be any better and that we are supposed to be saving up for a deposit for a mortgage and that money he would be spending on rent and utilities could go straight into savings instead. To put things into perspective he has not put any money into our joint savings account yet, it has all come from me so far and he instead chooses to spend his money on holidays abroad (sometimes with me contributing half, sometimes without me), and is in quite a lot of debt from when he was a student. I'm not in debt (no money owed on credit cards or overdrafts) and work hard to save money.

    He proceeded to call me childish and said I was overreacting (I never once raised my voice or called him names or swore at him or anything else I would consider childish or overreacting). We didn't speak the entire car journey home and now he's texted me to say I'm being ridiculous over something that's 'imaginary'.

    Surely if it was imaginary he wouldn't have bothered testing the water with me? Am I being unreasonable? It feels to me as though he's the one being immature and he has gotten complacent in this relationship and not taking it seriously, but I'd be interested in your opinions.

    Nope you are fine, its just a symptom of where your relationship is at imo.

    Be aware that some men can stay in a relationship becayse it suits them and they are comfy. When they get bored they just move on, which is all well and good, but it leaves the partner who has spent x years of her life and may wnat to start a family in a difficult position. Biological clock , settling down etc. Ofcyou dont have to get married to be a couple and plenty of people stay that way forever.

    So what does your bfs behaviour signify?

    1. Priority. He puts his own interests first. he isnt thinking about the need to save money with you.
    2. By mobing out with someone else he delays you ever living together for as long as he lives elsewhere.
    3. He isnt prepared to put up with a bit of annoyance to get him to the deposit faster.
    4. He says he doesnt need your opinion or permission, which is a sign of someone who doesnt see your relationship as a team, he should ask your opinion on the basis of sharing importnat decisions and it aslo affects you.
    5. He hasnt saved any money. Surely he should be scrimping and saving to show commitment he wanst to be with you?
    6. Ridiculous over something imaginary? Obviously it hasnt happened , but for the reasons above it signifies other things, priorities, commitment etc.

    So I'd agree with you. Think carefully imo. Seven years is a big commitment, although I dont know the ages. Why isnt he showing willing, why doesnt he actively seek your advice and opinion? Why cant he make a common sense one? Be wary that your relationship doesnt turn into 10, 12 years and it never happens. Just keep asking yourself whether hes begaving like someone wbho really cares about you and is seriously commited or just someone who is complacent, comfy and not in it for the long run.

    Sorry for the pessimism, but if you want serious, then you need to see he's willing to commit and regards you and the relationship as one of the most if not the most importnat thing in his life. I've seen the above scenario of long term couples never getting to anything several times.

    ps ages matters so i'd be a lot less concerned if you were 21 rather than 29.

    I'm with you. And to be honest I am not sure you are on the same page in the relationship. I think some straight talking before investing more in the future is a good call.

    You're not being unreasonable no. And this is personally something I would leave someone over.

    His behaviour and the way he spoke about the matter makes it pretty clear he doesn't respect you very much, nor is he serious enough about the relationship or getting a house to even entertain the idea of getting your opinion or whether he is making a good decision.

    The second thing that is a big red flag to me is that he is clearly very irresponsible with money. The fact he lives rent free and yet is still in debt shows he's a complete idiot, there is pretty much no excuse for that.

    My advice, get your money out of that joint savings account before he does something irresponsible with it and close it. And next time think very carefully before opening a joint count again. His bad credit could negatively affect yours because your finances are now joint in terms of credit checks. Get out of that situation before it damages yours further.

    May not have been the answer you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.
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