I want to put this out there for anyone who may be feeling the same way as me. Basically I think I may have depression but whenever I get to the point of nearly convincing myself that theres somthing wrong, I think nah I'm being silly it's just me. I'm pretty sure growing up I was depressed, things weren't great at home, my attendance at school up until year 9 was poor and I was just so unhappy.
The main reason I keep on thinking theres still somthing wrong is my lack of motivation. When I was going through my a-levels there would be some days I'd sit there wanting to revise/do work, but never actually do anything. What really gets me is how I wouldn't even go and do somthing else to procrastinate. There have been days I've sat there just thinking to myself 'I need to do somthing in need to revise' and literally done nothing with my day at all. It's like being stuck in this no-man's-land between productivity and procrastination. I'd get to the end of the day and be so annoyed with myself having done nothing. And I don't just mean no revision like literally nothing, just sat there, aimlessley scrolling on my phone probably... Now it's the summer I still have days like this, but I don't have the motivation to do the things I want to do, it's like I want to be motivated, I want to do things, but I just, don't...
Some days I'm fine for a bit and I get things done and im happy and motivated, and then that can suddently dissapear for no reason. I feel as though even though I havn't got the same issues surrounding me as I did growing up, it's almost like I have depression after effects. I never got into good habits with things like school/ homework, which is going to result in poor a-levels.
My mum never really encouraged hobbies or anything so that probably links into me not even doing the things I want to do, my diet growing up was poor and now when I try and eat healthier I really struggle to cut out sugar especially. Theres so many little things that I struggle to gain control over now because of my childhood. I feel as though I blame my mum for many things, she's not exactly a model parent and my grandparents (who I live with now) have always tried to sort things out but she doesn't listen shes probably depressed herself, my dad commited suicide when I was a baby so depression is probably written into my genes. I was so miserable growing up, and now I'm 18 years old and can't even sit down and do a bit of revision to give myself a better future.
This all sounds a bit waffal-y but thats sums up my thoughts most days not knowing if theres anything wrong 😕 Does anyone else feel like this? You don't know of your depressed or just really unmotivated? I've never self harmed or anything like that, and I'm probably more happy than I've ever been in my life (despite the fact results day is tomorrow). Which is why I'm so confused I think maybe I just dont know what it's like to not have depression at all because I grew up with it, so yes I'm relatively happy, but if I wasn't depressed would I still be this unmotivated and have all these bad habits from my unhappy childhood...
Does anyone else feel like this?
|Why bother with a post grad? Are they even worth it? Have your say!||26-10-2016|