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I don't know what to do. Please HELP

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Why bother with a post grad? Are they even worth it? Have your say! 26-10-2016
    • Thread Starter

    This is an epically long story, so feel free to skim…I have tried to trim this down!
    I’m one of four children of Middle-Eastern parents. My parents were physically/emotionally/sexually (?) abused as children. I’m not saying this to condone their action, but to give a better understanding of how they behave.
    I live in a strictly Islamic household. Automatically, that puts things like boyfriends and drinking/clubbing out of bounds. I can cope with that. However, my parents took it to a point where it was too much:

    Getting verbal and emotional abuse is the norm. I’ve also been physically abused for the tiniest of things on many occasions (for example, by using credit to phone my mum- I’m not on a contract or anything, so what did she think was gonna happen?). She doesn’t abuse me physically anymore but she’ll still find the tiniest of reasons to go off on a major rant at me for the entire day. She loves calling me autistic (I shake uncontrollably and make incoherent noises when she beats me) and saying that I act like a sl*t.Bringing me nicely to:

    My dad. Once a massive scrounger on the government,now been forced to get a job. Doesn’t let me wear makeup, always having to wear baggy clothes and basically I’ve to look as horrendous as possible in public.He acts like a joke in public (burps, sneezes, shouts in Arabic, stares like a pervert at women) on purpose- when either myself, mum or my sisters even look in his direction when he does it, he throws a tantrum, takes us home and beats us all up.

    None of my sisters or me is allowed to go outwith any of our friends (even though we’re all perfectly respectable and, well,act normal). We get abused if we even mention anything. My brother on the other hand can go out, get drunk, smoke weed or whatever and nobody bats an eyelid.

    I’ve always in particular had a lot of pressure put on me to become a doctor or dentist since I’m seen as the brightest. Problem is, I’ve never really been interested in becoming one. I’ve been conditioned into saying I want to be one for so long, I can’t even think of an alternative. I’ve always been an academic person and loved school. Last year, I got straight A’s. It’s funny how non-family members were more proud of me than my own parents.

    For my Highers, I had to move school (timetabling didn’t work out). It’s a long story- I could have stayed, but nah, my mum thought force was a better thing to do. Because who cares about your daughter’s feelings? I moved- and hated every second of it. I didn’t know anyone, had crap teachers and just struggled to fit in.Making matters worse was how my mum was behaving. Last year,I was allowed to attend an extracurricular club at least once a week (sometimes twice). I also did sports club at the weekend, every week. I actually found this really helped me relax, de-stress and I’d return home more ready to learn.

    This year, my mum was a monster. When I came home from school, I was forced to study for six hours continuously then go to sleep.Everything I did was monitored. I wasn’t allowed any contact with my old friends and I was so isolated. My parents can’t socialise so we can’t socialise with any other Middle-Eastern families. I was alone from all perspectives,studying for a future I didn’t want. On top of that, I was screamed at everyday for not being good enough. If I complained that I found my classes hard, I would be slapped and be lectured that this was only the beginning of my Highers.I couldn’t eat anymore. I starved myself. I ate non-stop at school because I felt so alone, but at home I couldn’t eat anything at all. I’m not allowed to show any emotion at home, so I would sit and cry at school. I figure now this is what prevented me from making friends. I wasn’t even allowed to go out shopping with my parents at the week-ends. When they would go out (leaving me for at least six hours completely alone, I’d cry and I know it sounds stupid, but I was so scared someone was going to break into the house and kill me. I would just cry and cry out of despair.

    Those extracurricular clubs? I begged my mum to let me go- my dad didn’t have an issue. She’d scream at me to not be autistic and to go study. So I gave up studying. I had no motivation to keep going at all. I compared myself constantly to this other girl I knew who got amazing grades but had a social life. I tried to kill myself, but was too cowardly. This year, I found out I didn’t get the results I’d hoped for to study at university. The other girl did. I feel so jealous and angry, like my entire life has been completely stolen from me. I was doing so well- now I’ve crashed and burned. My mum blamed the results on me and asked me why I never confided anything in her-because I’d get beaten up! I once said I missed my old school- she made a point to deliberately speak about how amazing my new school was and slapped me if I even frowned.

    It sounds childish, but I’ve just been crying since I got my results. I’m a laughing stock and a complete failure. I’m not even going to try and study for the UKCAT- I can’t do it. I couldn’t get an A in two exams, so what even is the point? Especially when other people rub their straight A’s in your face.I’m too scared to even tell her that I know others who got the same/better grades than me because I know she’ll just get angrier. Nobody believes I’ve gotten these grades- but I can’t tell them what I’ve been through as it’s all a joke. I just want to die. She screamed at me saying if I had worked harder than I would have done better. I’m too scared to tell her that IT’S ALL HER FAULT THAT SHE PUT ME UNDER PRESSURE THAT I CRACKED UNDER. I’ve never told anyone about the abuse, apart from seven cups of tea. The strangers on there have been more compassionate than the sixteen years of living on this planet have given me.

    Nobody would believe me if I told on her -everyone sees my mum as a model parent. I see her as a living hell.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I really don't know what to say to this, or to suggest. It sounds like you've been (and are still going through) a huge amount and I can see how it might feel as though there's no way out. Things can get better though, I know it's hard to believe right now but they can and I really hope they will. I'm struggling to think what you can do but as I see it you have an end point by getting away to go to university, whichever subject it's for. You have nine or ten months until your exams to do whatever you can towards that- it's horrible but as someone once said to me, when you're at rock bottom the only way is up. Lack of motivation is horrible but you can do it, make the most of any moments you might feel even slightly able to do something and hopefully over time these will become a bit more frequent and you'll feel like you're getting a bit closer until your end goal. Cross off the days until you can leave if you have to! You'll get there in the end.

    Other than that, I guess just try and remember you're not alone in all this. Going to your GP would be brilliant if you could but not sure you'd be able to, there might be some support you can get at school though which could be a bit more manageable. You can talk to the samaritans too (by phone or email, it's free now) and people online, that can make a huge difference. You're always welcome to PM me too- I'm lucky enough to have never been abused at all but I have experienced a lot of the same feelings as you for different reasons and I'm always happy to listen to anyone. Even just talking about something completely random can help a lot to feel more human and take your mind off things, TSR is good for that.

    Hope this doesn't come across in harsh in any way, it's not meant to at all! Really hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.
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