I lost the will to live and feel emotions normally so long ago (~5 years ago, I'm 18) that I don't remember what it's like to feel sustained joy, contentment, satisfaction, excitement, only the memory of it, and I seem to just be ploughing forward without cause - it's hurt my grades, academic opportunities, my relationships etc. It's not that I don't put in the effort or the work - I really do, and generously so, but my depression often sabotages things and it becomes a self-fulling cycle e.g. lack of close relationships = unhappiness; unhappiness preventing close relationships developing, and so on.
I give the impression of being able to function normally and definitely convinced myself that this is the case - that the emptiness and pain I feel by default is perfectly okay. Coming to the realisation now that internally I don't think being happy is worth it, that I don't want to/can't fight for a feeling/state of being that I barely remember, and it's pretty terrifying. In my early teens, I spent every moment battling against my OCD tendencies, high anxiety levels, panic attacks, general self-esteem problems (with almost no support network); it ended up not being worth it (look at me now),and I'm too tired/can't care anymore to do so. All of this also worries me now because I'm aware that this makes me extra susceptible to emotional setbacks/life events e.g. I experienced symptoms of PTSD after an event that I feel earlier on in life I could have coped with better.
Happiness seems to have too high a price. Please help.
I've lost the will to want to be happy. What do I do?
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