Sorry if this is a bit long- thanks if you read it. Background: Growing up my parents [40M&39] constantly put pressure on me to go into Medicine, be quiet reserved and religious which led to a lot of internalised emotion. At least that way you could pretend it didn't exist. They both have had difficult lives (being immigrants) and their relationship was abusive until I was 10 but they both act like this never had an impact on their health or marriage when it obviously did (divorce is looked down upon in their culture). When I was young I was sexually assaulted by an older boy but I never told anyone in fear of my parents anger. I knew I was right to do this because the first thing they told me when I started my period and high school was never to even so much as look at a boy or else. Having to live like everything is always okay especially to outside family and church people even friends really got to me- when I was 13 I had a suicide attempt because I couldn't deal with having to live this 'perfect life' forever. I really internalised everything and it was never okay for me to be emotional because they didn't really understand why. After this they didn't really change even when I told them what exactly was wrong (and I guess it was partly my fault for trying to convince everyone I was getting better and I did want to Medicine and I thought that therapy was terrible). For a while my parents let me join clubs that made me happy like Choir etc.. but eventually they made me quit them to focus on my schoolwork and revealed they mainly did it for me to build my CV. I took it and didn't really complain much- partly fear, trust and respect. What really gets to me now is 3 years later and my parents are encouraging and even paying (money has always been an issue) for my sisters [16F&13F) to do tennis, cello, piano and pursue non-academic subjects like art and music when this was the time they made me quit everything and do physics. Maybe they realised their mistake and it's no one's fault and I love my sisters and want the best for them but I still feel hurt and resentful. Since then I've gone on to try and make more of my life and myself. It isn't as if I cause drama and backchat- I am kind of quiet and don't really talk about my feelings anymore. I love volunteering, reading, making gifts for my friends and giving advice where I can. It makes me happy to see others' happy. I am going to Uni in September and a world of opportunities are opening up- I have everything anyone could ever want yet I am still here crying over split milk and internalising everything to a point where it comes out in the ugliest of ways and because people don't see where it is coming from they are disgusted and angry and it's ruining my relationships.My best friend [18F] lost someone earlier this year and so talking to her about any of this is out of the question. (I've tried a few times). She doesn't understand why I am sometimes so mean to my sisters or why I want to leave home so much or why I would even consider suicide when everything is about to change.Long Story Short: I am angry and bitter at the fact my sisters get to live their lives doing everything I wanted the chance to do but was not allowed because I had to and are not even the least I think this anger manifests in short bursts of cruelty sometimes to my youngest sister ( I know I can be such a ***** sometimes), projected onto my friends or internalised as suicidal thoughts and feelings. I am fearful of the future and wonder whether it is mean who wants this or my parents. I have everything anyone could ask for at this age and yet I can't seem to let go of the things that were taken away from me. I feel like this baggage has made me a toxic person. What do I do to change? How do I let go? Am I irreversibly damaged and toxic? Will things always feel this intense? Will I always push away people who love me?
Am I toxic? How do I let go of internalised feelings?