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Do I stay or do I walk away?

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Why bother with a post grad? Are they even worth it? Have your say! 26-10-2016
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    I've been in a relationship for a year and a half. Me and my boyfriend live together and both go to university. Before I met him, I'd suffered years of quite intense emotional and physical abuse from my parents which inevitably meant I find it hard trusting people. There are a range of other negative impacts of this which include difficulty making conversations, I don't fit in and I struggle to understand things like normal people do (feelings, facial expressions etc). My boyfriend is the only person I trust, I have told him everything about my childhood and he knows the effects it has had on me emotionally. I've been diagnosed with servers depression and anxiety. I go to counselling to help me deal with the trauma of my upbringing and help me work through what's going on in my head. I am suspected to have PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) following being raped nearly two years ago and not dealing with it up until recently. I have really bad flashbacks, I feel as though sometimes the attacker is in my house, sometimes I can smell him, taste him, and I go into shock mode just from hearing words or names that sound like his. This is definitely the hardest thing I've had to deal with and I struggle to cope every day because of it. I think about it every day and obviously, it changed me. I used to be so outgoing and pretty and since that I feel ugly, worthless and disgusting. My boyfriend tells me not to blame myself but I can't help it, I always feel as though it's my fault that it happened to me and that I deserved it.

    Skip forward in time, as I said, I go to counselling every week to deal with this stuff in my past, although it doesn't really make it any easier. I no longer have contact with my parents but this also means I have no contact with my siblings either. My boyfriend and his family have tried their best to make me feel wanted and stuff but it never feels proper because it's not my family, if that makes sense? I love his family to pieces but it's different, because I know that if I love them too much and me and my boyfriend separate, then I've lost another family and it'll hurt too much, so I try to avoid getting too close. As well as this, I feel really guilty, I feel like I shouldn't be happy without my family, or that I shouldn't be happy full stop. I love my boyfriend to pieces and he literally is my whole world, he knows everything about me, he has supported me when I've needed support and been there for me when I need him.

    Anyway, I'll get to the point, the main reason I want to attend counselling is to become a normal person, I basically have been brainwashed by my dad for 18 years and can be just like him. I have two personalities, one that my counseller says was created as a "coping mechanism" for all the bad that I've gone through, and one that's me, that is sensitive and caring. For about 9 months of my relationship, I was pretty much consistently the "coping personality" which meant I was awful to my boyfriend because I was in constant fear he'd hurt me like everyone else in my life, this personality was a reflection of my father which I created so I wouldn't get hurt (because in my head, my dad was strong) - these are my counsellers words. I'd say nasty things to hurt him and subconsciously I was pushing him away because of this fear. After couselling, I've made great progress and I'm my normal sensitive self 80% of the time. However, I feel as though my relationship is holding me back, my boyfriend can't seem to let go of all the bad I've done and always calls me by my fathers name (which he knows will hurt me because I've tried to hard NOT to be like my dad, because he was a nasty, manipulative, abusive person). This hurts so bad and it brings out my nasty personality. He also calls me an ******** so many times a day for doing things which I think is normal. I'm 20 years old but still don't know that some things are right and some things are wrong (because of my upbringing). I'm learning but sometimes I still have "accidents" and forget. My boyfriend is starting to make me feel so worthless and like I'm just a burden rather than a girlfriend. I love him so much and I'm so grateful for what he does for me, if it wasn't for him I'd still be the abusive, nasty person I was and I apologise for all the bad I've done to him, all the time,, but now he's still treating me like that person and it's really hurting. What do I do, do I stay or do I walk away? I feel like there is too much water under the bridge for us to go on, we really are at breaking point and because of my post traumatic stress disorder, it's really tipping me over the edge.

    I'm so sorry to hear of your horrible experiences. What does your Counsellor suggest? Although i'm guessing they can't really advise and want you to come to the decision yourself. From what you have said, if it was me, I would need time to be alone and heal, however long that takes. YOU are your priority for the next few years. If you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together then you will get back together at some point in the future when you are emotionally stronger . Good luck.

    Yeah I agree with the person above.

    Wow, I don't really know what to say. You do sound like you've had a really bad time with your parents and that horrible incident that happened 2 years ago must've had a knock on effect to your confidence.

    I can't really advise on your relationship; tbf I'd feel bad for influencing anyone to make or break up with someone. You will only know yourself what way you want to go and where you want it to lead.

    Your boyfriend did sound lovely minus this recent behaviour of name calling etc but only you two can work out if this is going to work. Start maybe by communicating how bad you're feeling and how you want a healthy relationship. You both obviously have emotional baggage; him holding onto things that have happened and your self depreciating ways however you can both make it work if you're both willing to have a go at things again and try to work on your problems together.

    I really hope things work out for you and I hope whatever happens you feel happier. At the end of the day your happiness is the most important thing.*

    Wow, I'm sorry you've had to go through that, you sound like a lovely person! But I agree with the other two. And really with you staying or walking away from your boyfriend, I'd say probably do what you feel is best for you. But what I would suggest before you do make your mind up is try communicating with your boyfriend, and tell him how you feel about him calling you names, etc and maybe he'll open up about what you did (sounds like you genuinely didn't mean it), but communication is the key

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