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Family problems! Advice please!

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TSR's new app is coming! Sign up here to try it first >> 17-10-2016
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    About 6 months ago my dad walked out on my mum and my two sisters, he left a note and hasn't returned since. It wasn't really a surprise as we could see the relationship between my mum and dad deteriorating for years but I suppose it's still a surprise when he walks out on you.

    Even though he tried to get in contact about once, I was still angry that he walked out and I probably haven't bothered to see him out of unwillingness as well. Despite me not seeing him at all my mum is convinced I am and although sometimes in a jokey way, she constantly makes remarks about me going to see my father, which can make me uncomfortable at times.

    When my dad walked out, we obviously took a load of photos of us as a family from throughout the years, which he then took off the camera and put it onto a computer server to preserve space on the camera. When he walked out, he took the server with him so my mum doesn't have any of the photos and when she has asked my gran, who we still see, for the photos back, he says he won't as he should do it when and how he wants- essentially a power game.

    For my birthday, I received a surprise present from him, which came through the door. I had no idea what it was but it turned out to be a photo book of pictures of me and him from throughout the years. Honestly, it made me rather uncomfortable, especially when considering he had denied my mum access to the photos and then decided to make a book of them.

    The following day, me and my mum got into an argument about something and once again she said 'why don't you just live with your dad?'. It really annoyed me as she was saying it again so in order to prove to her I didn't care and wasn't seeing him I ripped up the photo book and all the photos to show I wasn't bothered. Afterwards I felt kind of stupid as even though my mum hasn't mentioned it since and I wasn't even concerned about the book, I mainly feel guilty for destroying something that someone has put a lot of effort into.

    I'm not really someone who enjoys speaking about issues as it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the topic but any advice would be appreciated, whether general or if I was right to do what I did. Thanks

    Well good hing is you have two sisters. Do you talk to them and what do they feel?

    Obviously whats happening is the adults are continuing their fight in the form of power games through you, their kids.

    They both have their reasons for splitting (these things happen) and imo it makes more sense than stauing together if you are miserable. They should both grow up though and stop fighting for loyalty as though you are property. Your dad doesnt seem to have given you an explanation nor made the importnat point that even if hes split, its from your mum and not you the kids. he doesnt sound like the most grown up father tbh.

    Maybe with your dad or your Gran then write them a letter asking for him to send a copy of the photos taken. It would take him ten minutes to do. Explain that it is causing a lot of upset and this rebounds on you and your sisters, whether its his intention or not thats the result and he can change it. If he wnats to start mending the relationship with his children then he can sort that out.

    Your mum is obviously hurt and insecure., hence her comments.

    Just tell her you ahve asked for the phptos and thats all you cna do. If you wnat to stay with her then remind her youare with her and she needs to stop suggesting that you are seeing your dad, when you have said you arent. They are both still your mum and dad though even if they have split. If it gets too much for you hen talk to childine or your GP about getting some counseling.

    Unfortunately divorce is common, so its a case of survival for you. it would be nice if they grow up and make sure you arent caught in their power game.
    You are going to have to be the adult in this situation.

    (Original post by GCSEdward)
    I'm not really someone who enjoys speaking about issues as it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I change the topic but any advice would be appreciated, whether general or if I was right to do what I did. Thanks
    There is no point in commenting on your situation on here as it isn't really fair. However, I think most people find talking candidly about their feelings to others awkward and uncomfortable. It is because we are effectively lowering our defence mechanism and opening ourselves up to potential attack and ridicule. However, the thing to remember is that doing so allows you to express your emotions and in doing so, get them off your chest. I thoroughly recommend you find someone to talk to. Do you have a school counsellor or someone similar? Failing that, write a letter to your mum or dad or whoever you need to vent at and when it is finished, print it out and rip it up - you don't have to give it to them. Seriously - I have done it and it really works. But try and find someone you can talk to. That really works too and if they are switched on (councillor) will help you to understand the bigger picture. Your immediate family are perhaps not best placed to help as they are too involved themselves, but wider family might be good. Do you have a grandparent or uncle / aunt? And if you do talk to anyone, make it very clear before you start that the conversation is private and confidential and not to be discussed with anyone.
    Good luck! My parents split when I was 11, just after we moved houses, I changed schools and my granddad died. Sh1t just happens, but locking it inside will not work, as I have found to my loss.

    A few things. Firstly divorce is going to be really hard on both your parents - they are the adults in this situation and really they shouldn't be letting their issues affect you but at the same time when things are really hard it's easy to to act in ways that upset other people. It's probably doubly hard on your dad atm that he has no contact with you.

    Ripping up the photo album was really silly, it actually sounds like he tried to give you a really thoughtful and meaningful present (without understanding how much of an issue he's caused with the photos) and what does ripping it up prove?

    I think you need to start talking to people in your family. Arrange to meet your dad somewhere and talk about how you feel, holding on to all that anger won't help either of you and sometimes you need to say it to his face to move forwards. Also talk to your mum about how things are making you feel and tell her you aren't seeing your dad.
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