I've had these emotions hidden deep inside of me for years. I am currently doing my A-Levels and I just lost hope in everything in life. Throughout my secondary days, I had friends. Some who I am still in contact with today. I also had the toxic. They made me feel like ****, they made me hate myself. That laughed AT me not with me. I failed my Maths GCSE so went to a sixth form and retook the exam. My biggest stress then was to pass my exams. I fortunately did. I have started anew at a different college, where I can finally start my A-Levels.
I'm already struggling with History. For some reason everyone knows all these historic figures such a Charles I, whereas I don't. I did not learn about him or any other monarchs such as Henry VIII. And it's the worst sitting in class so clueless. I've made friends within my lessons but no one who I can spend my breaks with. I have never felt so alone. Every single day, I have an hour (or three) to myself. Everyone else are in groups or pairs, no where for me to join. You see, the students at my college are from around the area while I am not. They all went to the same schools. They have their friends from secondary while I don't.
I have anxiety too, so I literally panic and stress over just making conversations with strangers. Once I am comfortable with someone I am confident and loud. I just hate it. I hate it all. "In a room full of people, I feel so alone." I saw this quote about 3 years ago and I can relate to it a lot. I don't feel welcomed. I don't feel as if I belong. I question the purpose of my existence in this world frequently.
I'm no way near intelligent. I'm not pretty. I'm not slim. I'm no one. I'm just pathetic and worthless. My depression is getting worse. Every single day I lose myself a bit more, piece by piece and it's sad that I can't do anything about it. I have no one to really open myself up to. I have no passion in life. No dreams, no aims. Heck, I don't even understands things like UCAS and Universities, degrees and what not. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm crap at keeping in contact with friends. I'm too scared to get a job. I let people step all over me. During my breaks, I sit by myself in the library. I complete homework if I need to or just sit there in my misery. Literally every girl in my college are so pretty. They have the perfect body, perfect face… then there's me. I have a chubby face. A double chin visible to everyone. My teeth are not straight. My arms are chubby. I have the muffin top. My chest size is not to my liking. My thighs touch. I just hate everything.
I just want to feel loved.
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