Just one sec...
Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Is it unfair to judge a Woman on her past?

Announcements Posted on
Take our short survey, £100 of Amazon vouchers to be won! 23-09-2016
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's the wildness of them I don't understand.. When you have everything on a platinum platter but still feel the need to get wasted, drugged up and sleep around... It says a lot about your character, or lack of. No I wouldn't not go with a guy who has such sexual escapades as I could not ever trust that those days were behind him. As someone said in another post come around 25 if the person doesn't change when the brain is fully mature then their personality and habits are pretty much fixed they will always find a way to stray back to them.

    Plus you say she actively and obviously flirts with her male friends now, so yes if that were a guy I would just cut my losses and avoid wasting further time and emotion.

    You have come asking for advice but you have been very defensive over her. It's very obvious you are going to do this and heed no warnings.
    Half the thread is agreeing with you and half of it is saying "ur insecure 11", it's not like all the advice has been the same.

    I know lots of rich guys are "party boys" but if my sis were with a guy like that I'd be watching out ya lol.

    I don't know what her sexual history is post uni, a couple of BFs I think. She's one of those girls who has loads of male friends she's flirting with or dated as you say though. Maybe this is common in people in their 30's in friendship groups, anyway it makes me uncomfortable.

    Its no biggie for me to not date her, at the same time half the thread is saying Im too fussy :lol:
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Half the thread is agreeing with you and half of it is saying "ur insecure 11", it's not like all the advice has been the same.

    I know lots of rich guys are "party boys" but if my sis were with a guy like that I'd be watching out ya lol.

    I don't know what her sexual history is post uni, a couple of BFs I think. She's one of those girls who has loads of male friends she's flirting with or dated as you say though. Maybe this is common in people in their 30's in friendship groups, anyway it makes me uncomfortable.

    Its no biggie for me to not date her, at the same time half the thread is saying Im too fussy :lol:
    Well I think you need to sit down and think what you really want and what your values are. The thing is you have to be fussy, at least when it comes to long term goals. Short term, less so. Relationships are hard work and if there are red flags like her flirting with all her male friends from the get go then that's not much of a foundation to set up a relationship on, unless you yourself do the same as some couples are comfortable with their partners flirting with other people. I mean some people even (happily) accept their partners kissing and having sex with other people. Again it falls on your own personal values.

    If you want a relationship where it's okay for her to flirt and purposely get attention from other men, be a wild free spirit, and a life long party girl then that could be fun if you are a very non-jealous, easy-going, adventurous and somewhat deattached kind of person.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well I think you need to sit down and think what you really want and what your values are. The thing is you have to be fussy, at least when it comes to long term goals. Short term, less so. Relationships are hard work and if there are red flags like her flirting with all her male friends from the get go then that's not much of a foundation to set up a relationship on, unless you yourself do the same as some couples are comfortable with their partners flirting with other people. I mean some people even (happily) accept their partners kissing and having sex with other people. Again it falls on your own personal values.

    If you want a relationship where it's okay for her to flirt and purposely get attention from other men, be a wild free spirit, and a life long party girl then that could be fun if you are a very non-jealous, easy-going, adventurous and somewhat deattached kind of person.
    Yeah I'm not looking for a fling.

    I am an adventurous guy in other ways, race motorbikes and go skydiving for fun lol. But I don't see this working out. My elder bro is married, a massive flirt and I can see it doing a number on his wife.

    She's a great girl in lots of ways, maybe I made her sound more like a "catch" in the OP because I like her but it's surprising she hasn't been married. She defo wants marriage and babies and as hot as she is it should have been easy for her by this age. After uni she had serious longterm BFs so maybe Im not the only guy put off by this.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtDxLpzuen4
    Online

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    Don't be foolishly pedantic. You know they are two completely different things. Being promiscuous is no way near akin to being a pedophile. One being harmless, the other being a significantly harmful, psychological disorder. But nice try.


    And actually, as a Psychology graduate I can tell you that risky behaviour such as promiscuity during adolescence is no way indicative of long term, life long behaviour patterns. For may reasons (social, neurological, emotional etc) people are often their most risky and sensation-seeking during adolescence. People become far less risk-seeking as they mature, I.e., they change.
    On the contrary my dear, pedophilia has a significantly more long term diagnosis. It's not just a passing phase.

    So your 'argument' falls short on two major points there. Firstly, pedophilia and promiscuity is not even comparable in the first place. Secondly, one has evidence of being decidedly short term, the other decidedly long term.

    Nice try though petal. Also, I just love your sexist tones, 'has a nice car, nice house'. Well if that wouldn't make me swoon at his feet, I don't know what will.
    My scenario about the "reformed" pedophile dream guy was to highlight the flaw in the your logic of your argument about people being fools to not date someone based on their past.

    Yes, there have been pedophiles who have offended in the past and got "help" who have legitimately "changed" and no longer engage in illegal activity in regards to children. But the fact of the matter is, no one in their right mind would take that guy as a bf because there is always a significant risk that a person who says they've "changed" has not changed and will continue to engage in such behavior.

    If you don't like the pedophile scenario I could use a dream guy as a former wife beater. Judging by your past posts on the subject i'm pretty sure you would refuse to have anything romantically to do with this guy either.

    Or dream guy who had 8 girlfriends in his past and cheated on each and every one of them. Most girls considering him as a bf armed with that information would atleast think "twice", and a fair few i'm sure would decide to not take a chance on him. Are those girls "fools"?

    I could go on and on with scenario's and i'm sure you wouldn't be able to rebuff them all using cherrypicked scientific claims.

    and is pedophilia really a "disorder"?
    50 years ago so was being gay.
    being gay is still punishable by law in many countries.

    seems to me like the scientific community likes to class a sexual preference as a "disorder" when it does not fit the norm/mainstream public opinion.

    A couple of hundred years ago a man could sleep with a 12 year old, and that was completely acceptable in the eye's of the law.

    heck, in another couple of hundred years it might be acceptable again.

    I do not think much of all these scientific classifications specialists like to give on such matters as they chop and change in tune with public opinion.

    Regarding past sexual behaviors or tendencies, The way I see it, if someone has a history of such behaviors ...there is a noticeable risk of them engaging in such behaviors again, despite any claims they make of "i've changed"

    OP's girl is hanging around ex's and flirting with all her male friends.

    I put her risk of relapse similar to that of a reformed pedophile working as a teaching assistant in an Infant school.

    Everything might turn out fine and dandy.
    Pete the pedo might manage to stay on the straight and narrow and not let the young ones play with his "pikachu"
    and 30 year old norah the nympho might not have a little bit too much to drink one night and end up in a home made bangbros movie

    but that doesn't take away from the fact that there is risk
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I'm not looking for a fling.

    I am an adventurous guy in other ways, race motorbikes and go skydiving for fun lol. But I don't see this working out. My elder bro is married, a massive flirt and I can see it doing a number on his wife.

    She's a great girl in lots of ways, maybe I made her sound more like a "catch" in the OP because I like her but it's surprising she hasn't been married. She defo wants marriage and babies and as hot as she is it should have been easy for her by this age. After uni she had serious longterm BFs so maybe Im not the only guy put off by this.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtDxLpzuen4
    I'm sure she is a great girl in many respects, but that does not mean she is compatible ultimately to your lifestyle and future goals. All women want marriage and babies, but not all women make good wifes and mothers. Same for men. Some people quite honestly are too selfish and dysfunctional to reproduce. I believe my father was too selfish a man to bring children into this world, and I ask my mother why she has stood by him, and the answer is she had low self esteem and was charmed by his good looks. She thought if she let him go she would never find a guy like that again. My dad flirts with other women to this day and threatens to leave her for someone better. Those little red flags she ignored in the beginning have turned into day in day out living hell for her - but at the same point she has herself to blame for accepting him in her life in the first place. I suppose The reason I feel so passionately about it I suppose is that I refuse to let a person like that into my life.

    Having good looks does not really make you a catch. Ugly people get married and reproduce everyday. Don't let looks deceive or hypnotise you. My mum's sister was legit the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. She had kind, loving and affluent men her entire life begging to be with her, offering her marriage and the whole world on a plate. She too had a good job but was bipolar and very wild especially in her manic state and she could never keep a relationship together. She never married or had children, and literally died alone.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm sure she is a great girl in many respects, but that does not mean she is compatible ultimately to your lifestyle and future goals. All women want marriage and babies, but not all women make good wifes and mothers. Same for men. Some people quite honestly are too selfish and dysfunctional to reproduce. I believe my father was too selfish a man to bring children into this world, and I ask my mother why she has stood by him, and the answer is she had low self esteem and was charmed by his good looks. She thought if she let him go she would never find a guy like that again. My dad flirts with other women to this day and threatens to leave her for someone better. Those little red flags she ignored in the beginning have turned into day in day out living hell for her - but at the same point she has herself to blame for accepting him in her life in the first place. I suppose The reason I feel so passionately about it I suppose is that I refuse to let a person like that into my life.

    Having good looks does not really make you a catch. Ugly people get married and reproduce everyday. Don't let looks deceive or hypnotise you. My mum's sister was legit the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. She had kind, loving and affluent men her entire life begging to be with her, offering her marriage and the whole world on a plate. She too had a good job but was bipolar and very wild especially in her manic state and she could never keep a relationship together. She never married or had children, and literally died alone.
    Sorry to hear your dad was like that :console: I know some people with parents like that and they have gone to have the best relationships, dont let it affect you negatively

    I agree completely. Ofc Im more attracted to her for her looks, but I guess what I meant was if you're a hot girl it opens doors being a hot guy doesn't sometimes (guys can be very shallow..). So the fact that she is so attractive, successful, loads of friends inc. male friends, wanted marriage & babies and had serious BFs but still hasn't gotten married at her age or kept a BF for more than a year or so is surprising.

    RIP to your mom's sister
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Where did I say that? I dont agree w that :fyi:
    On the first page you said that it might be normal for a guy to have a past like that.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Ella-keturah)
    On the first page you said that it might be normal for a guy to have a past like that.
    Is her past really nasty do you think? Cos if she was a guy it might be normal IDK..
    I meant the opposite, my point was if she was a guy and it was thought of as "normal" then maybe it could be "normal" and not "nasty" for a girl too :yep:
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I meant the opposite, my point was if she was a guy and it was thought of as "normal" then maybe it could be "normal" and not "nasty" for a girl too :yep:
    Ah I see. Well if you like her then go for it.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ANM775)
    and 30 year old norah the nympho might not have a little bit too much to drink one night and end up in a home made bangbros movie
    lol
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ANM775)
    My scenario about the "reformed" pedophile dream guy was to highlight the flaw in the your logic of your argument about people being fools to not date someone based on their past.

    Yes, there have been pedophiles who have offended in the past and got "help" who have legitimately "changed" and no longer engage in illegal activity in regards to children. But the fact of the matter is, no one in their right mind would take that guy as a bf because there is always a significant risk that a person who says they've "changed" has not changed and will continue to engage in such behavior.

    If you don't like the pedophile scenario I could use a dream guy as a former wife beater. Judging by your past posts on the subject i'm pretty sure you would refuse to have anything romantically to do with this guy either.

    Or dream guy who had 8 girlfriends in his past and cheated on each and every one of them. Most girls considering him as a bf armed with that information would atleast think "twice", and a fair few i'm sure would decide to not take a chance on him. Are those girls "fools"?

    I could go on and on with scenario's and i'm sure you wouldn't be able to rebuff them all using cherrypicked scientific claims.

    and is pedophilia really a "disorder"?
    50 years ago so was being gay.
    being gay is still punishable by law in many countries.

    seems to me like the scientific community likes to class a sexual preference as a "disorder" when it does not fit the norm/mainstream public opinion.

    A couple of hundred years ago a man could sleep with a 12 year old, and that was completely acceptable in the eye's of the law.

    heck, in another couple of hundred years it might be acceptable again.

    I do not think much of all these scientific classifications specialists like to give on such matters as they chop and change in tune with public opinion.

    Regarding past sexual behaviors or tendencies, The way I see it, if someone has a history of such behaviors ...there is a noticeable risk of them engaging in such behaviors again, despite any claims they make of "i've changed"

    OP's girl is hanging around ex's and flirting with all her male friends.

    I put her risk of relapse similar to that of a reformed pedophile working as a teaching assistant in an Infant school.

    Everything might turn out fine and dandy.
    Pete the pedo might manage to stay on the straight and narrow and not let the young ones play with his "pikachu"
    and 30 year old norah the nympho might not have a little bit too much to drink one night and end up in a home made bangbros movie

    but that doesn't take away from the fact that there is risk
    The difference between a girl being promiscuous, and a boy being a "wife beater" or a "pedophile" is that being promiscuous, and wild during your young years is considered within the realms of normal behaviour. Many teenagers go off the rails a bit, and then mature and grow up. It's considered a normal trajectory of life. I know many girls who were wild during the school years, and are now mothers, housewives, go only go out once in a blue moon for some "cheeky cocktails with the ladies".

    It's considered normal to be wild during youth, and then grow up. It is never considered normal to have pedophilic tendencies, and be physically violent towards a partner. That is not normal in the first place, and is indicative of significant psychological and emotional problems. Yeah they may go away, but maybe they won't. But because that behaviour is strayed much further from the path of "normality" we can't say with as much confidence that the person has changed. Irrational behaviour and mental processes tend to follow different routes. This also applies to a pathological cheater.

    If I met a guy who had a similar wild past nearly 15 years ago, I can't say I'd particularly like it. But would I worry that he'd be the same person a decade and a half later? Of course not.

    Is pedophilia really a disorder? Well I'm afraid that's not for you to decide A disorder is defined by humans, and yes that changes with increased evidence and knowledge. Get over it. That's progression. Guess what, you aren't cool and original for not thinking pedophilia should be classed as abnormal. There are many other attention seeking young men on this site too, who present the same old, cliche argument, that pedophilia is a preference just like homophobia. Predictable, tedious.

    I'm not saying she has definitely changed. I'm not saying she hasn't. But what I am saying, is that she shouldn't be written off as "wife material" simply because she had a wild adolescence. I don't think it works like that.

    For example, a couple of years ago my friend discovered on his mothers laptop, pictures of his mother at swingers parties, having threesomes, giving blow jobs, the lot. She was a married woman in her late 40s. She had a very homeley, innocent youth, only had one previous relationship before meeting her husband. So by your judgements, because people don't change, she should have remained homely, and sweet and loyal. But I'm afraid people don't work like that. We change all the time, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. If you write someone off straight away as a no hoper, you'd never find out.
    Online

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    The difference between a girl being promiscuous, and a boy being a "wife beater" or a "pedophile" is that being promiscuous, and wild during your young years is considered within the realms of normal behaviour. Many teenagers go off the rails a bit, and then mature and grow up. It's considered a normal trajectory of life. I know many girls who were wild during the school years, and are now mothers, housewives, go only go out once in a blue moon for some "cheeky cocktails with the ladies".

    It's considered normal to be wild during youth, and then grow up. It is never considered normal to have pedophilic tendencies, and be physically violent towards a partner. That is not normal in the first place, and is indicative of significant psychological and emotional problems. Yeah they may go away, but maybe they won't. But because that behaviour is strayed much further from the path of "normality" we can't say with as much confidence that the person has changed. Irrational behaviour and mental processes tend to follow different routes. This also applies to a pathological cheater.

    If I met a guy who had a similar wild past nearly 15 years ago, I can't say I'd particularly like it. But would I worry that he'd be the same person a decade and a half later? Of course not.

    Is pedophilia really a disorder? Well I'm afraid that's not for you to decide A disorder is defined by humans, and yes that changes with increased evidence and knowledge. Get over it. That's progression. Guess what, you aren't cool and original for not thinking pedophilia should be classed as abnormal. There are many other attention seeking young men on this site too, who present the same old, cliche argument, that pedophilia is a preference just like homophobia. Predictable, tedious.

    I'm not saying she has definitely changed. I'm not saying she hasn't. But what I am saying, is that she shouldn't be written off as "wife material" simply because she had a wild adolescence. I don't think it works like that.

    For example, a couple of years ago my friend discovered on his mothers laptop, pictures of his mother at swingers parties, having threesomes, giving blow jobs, the lot. She was a married woman in her late 40s. She had a very homeley, innocent youth, only had one previous relationship before meeting her husband. So by your judgements, because people don't change, she should have remained homely, and sweet and loyal. But I'm afraid people don't work like that. We change all the time, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. If you write someone off straight away as a no hoper, you'd never find out.

    For the record, I don't class pedophiles as "normal" and I don't class homosexuality as "normal" either.

    and I don't care how a few men in white coats decide to class them for reasons i previously explained.
    I had typed out a few paragraphs on the subject but removed them as this is starting to turn too far off track.

    and for the record i'm not attention seeking either.
    If I see something which I do not agree with, and am feeling in the mood I will challenge it. You are my favorite person to challenge on here due to your wriggling skills when it comes to an argument.

    I was looking forward to your reply and had hoped to checkmate you with this post but from your last reply you appear to of wriggled out of the corner you were backed into ..into an entirely new room ...and i've lost the will to keep chasing.

    i'll get you someday though
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ANM775)
    For the record, I don't class pedophiles as "normal" and I don't class homosexuality as "normal" either.

    and I don't care how a few men in white coats decide to class them for reasons i previously explained.
    I had typed out a few paragraphs on the subject but removed them as this is starting to turn too far off track.

    and for the record i'm not attention seeking either.
    If I see something which I do not agree with, and am feeling in the mood I will challenge it. You are my favorite person to challenge on here due to your wriggling skills when it comes to an argument.

    I was looking forward to your reply and had hoped to checkmate you with this post but from your last reply you appear to of wriggled out of the corner you were backed into ..into an entirely new room ...and i've lost the will to keep chasing.

    i'll get you someday though
    I await that day with eagerness

    I will say though, that I appreciate that you never become tempted to turn antagonistic during one of these exchanges, like I sometimes find myself being tempted into. You must be a better person than I am
    Online

    2
    ReputationRep:
    There's a huge difference between homosexuality and child sex abuse. When a gay person has sex they are generally not traumatised. If you want to pull the old socialisation argument, maybe a less inflammatory one would be that marital rape was legal until the 1990s.

    But comparing to extremes is really a lazy argument. There is always an exception to any argument. Pointing out the existence of an exception doesn't invalidate a point nor make your point more valid. Fact of the matter is that some behaviours are forgiveable, some don't need forgiving and some put others at risk. A healthy person would seek to avoid those were their is risk of any kind of harm. Like a sober alcoholic avoiding someone who used to be party animal and still likes the odd night out.

    Personally I don't think sexual history matters as long as no one was hurt. theres std checks and stuff now. So what exactly is the worry?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    No, is it unfair to judge a man by his past. Of course not
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You want to get into a relationship with that? lol gd 1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by IHateMods.)
    You want to get into a relationship with that? lol gd 1
    gr8 m8 i r8 8/8 :P
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Good point. The teenager stuff was slightly worrying but I was more concerned nbout what she did at uni (FWB with housemate, etc.)
    What's wrong with FWB?
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    There's a huge difference between homosexuality and child sex abuse. When a gay person has sex they are generally not traumatised. If you want to pull the old socialisation argument, maybe a less inflammatory one would be that marital rape was legal until the 1990s.

    But comparing to extremes is really a lazy argument. There is always an exception to any argument. Pointing out the existence of an exception doesn't invalidate a point nor make your point more valid. Fact of the matter is that some behaviours are forgiveable, some don't need forgiving and some put others at risk. A healthy person would seek to avoid those were their is risk of any kind of harm. Like a sober alcoholic avoiding someone who used to be party animal and still likes the odd night out.

    Personally I don't think sexual history matters as long as no one was hurt. theres std checks and stuff now. So what exactly is the worry?
    I cant just ask her to get an Std check tho
    Online

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I cant just ask her to get an Std check tho
    Why not? Should be asking before having sex with all partners. I tend to say if you're not mature enough to have this conversation then are you mature enough to have sex?

    It doesn't have to be scary or offensive. Just, we should have std check before we have sex and I do it with all partners. Wouldn't you rather both know that you're clean and healthy than unwittingly pass to each other diseases which could make you infertile or even kill you if left untreated

Reply

Submit reply

Register

Thanks for posting! You just need to create an account in order to submit the post
  1. this can't be left blank
    that username has been taken, please choose another Forgotten your password?
  2. this can't be left blank
    this email is already registered. Forgotten your password?
  3. this can't be left blank

    6 characters or longer with both numbers and letters is safer

  4. this can't be left empty
    your full birthday is required
  1. Oops, you need to agree to our Ts&Cs to register
  2. Slide to join now Processing…

Updated: September 25, 2016
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Poll
Who will be the next permanent England boss?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22

Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Quick reply
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.