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I don't fit in with my flatmates..

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    So, I arrived midway during freshers week and my flatmates consists of five girls, and three guys. I'm bordering on social anxiety, but I'm okay introducing myself and have made friends at University, but not really with my flatmates.
    When I arrived, the girls had already formed a strong friendship group and although they were nice enough, saying hi and asking me where I'm from, they kind of stopped making any effort after the first two days. I always try to say hi to them when I see them, but only one of them really responds now. During freshers week, they would go out clubbing every night leaving the kitchen an absolute tip, with alcohol bottles and the sink filled with dirty dishes [i asked for a house with no alcohol]. I don't feel comfortable going into the kitchen when they're all in there, when its one at a time, I'm okay to go in and make some conversation, otherwise I don't feel comfortable to do so and nor do they really try to make me feel any more comfortable. The guys tend to keep to themselves and one of the guys I hang out with a bit, but we don't really seem to click at all. Will this situation get any better??
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    not if you don't make it better... for a start, don't get annoyed at it being messy or people drinking, it's university and it's freshers - this is very normal

    if you want to make better friends you have to force your way in a bit, ask people to hang out, don't avoid them, be overly friendly and chatty if they're not talking to you

    however it's not the end of the world not to get on with your flatmates - you can make friends elsewhere
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    not if you don't make it better... for a start, don't get annoyed at it being messy or people drinking, it's university and it's freshers - this is very normal

    if you want to make better friends you have to force your way in a bit, ask people to hang out, don't avoid them, be overly friendly and chatty if they're not talking to you

    however it's not the end of the world not to get on with your flatmates - you can make friends elsewhere
    Kinda difficult to do that stuff with flatmates, when they're into completely different things and you're bordering on social anxiety.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Kinda difficult to do that stuff with flatmates, when they're into completely different things and you're bordering on social anxiety.
    I went to uni with severe social anxiety and lived with people who were utterly different to me. We still spent time together on plenty of occasions doing fairly generic stuff - we got take away, watched movies, played games, watched sport, had a couple of meals together etc

    it's entirely up to you if you want to push out of your comfort zone or not but you are unhappy with the current situation with your flatmates - it won't just magically fix itself, you have to make the effort to do it if you want things to be better

    literally just start with saying 'hi how are you? how's the start of your course been? got many lectures?' to someone, you can plan what to say before you try it... bake some cookies/muffins and leave them with a note saying 'help yourself' (people always like someone who bakes)... try and get one person on side and suggest a pizza night, buy/rent a new film and say you should order pizza and watch it together
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    I'm exactly the same. I've been at uni for about three days now. It's really hard! I don't want to be rude and keep refusing invitations for drinking, and they've been really nice so far, but I'm definitely socially anxious and have a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder. Only one other person in my flat of 10 so far has spoken to me about the same difficulties, and they've made more friends than me elsewhere! At the end of the day you're at uni for a degree. Anything other than that is just a bonus. Plus you'll have lots of time to meet other people. I'm better at one-on-one too, I think a lot of people are better than me at putting on a brave face though! You're already in a better position than me having made friends elsewhere, it should get better You can always ask to move to a different accommodation if you're not happy where you are as far as I'm aware, my cousin's considering doing the same.
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    (Original post by 35764)
    I'm exactly the same. I've been at uni for about three days now. It's really hard! I don't want to be rude and keep refusing invitations for drinking, and they've been really nice so far, but I'm definitely socially anxious and have a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder. Only one other person in my flat of 10 so far has spoken to me about the same difficulties, and they've made more friends than me elsewhere! At the end of the day you're at uni for a degree. Anything other than that is just a bonus. Plus you'll have lots of time to meet other people. I'm better at one-on-one too, I think a lot of people are better than me at putting on a brave face though! You're already in a better position than me having made friends elsewhere, it should get better You can always ask to move to a different accommodation if you're not happy where you are as far as I'm aware, my cousin's considering doing the same.
    You're the literally the only person with a decent response so thank you. I wish people would understand, it's not as easy as they make it out to be. I've asked them how their day is, but the conversation just kinda ends after they say what about you and start talking among themselves again. I've managed to make quite a few friends other than my flatmates so i'm happy with that too. You can't get along with everyone, right?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're the literally the only person with a decent response so thank you. I wish people would understand, it's not as easy as they make it out to be. I've asked them how their day is, but the conversation just kinda ends after they say what about you and start talking among themselves again. I've managed to make quite a few friends other than my flatmates so i'm happy with that too. You can't get along with everyone, right?
    Right! You're already doing better than me just by making friends with people elsewhere, though I haven't started my course of been to the Freshers Fayre to pick up info about societies and stuff so I don't know how it'll go. Everyone does things in their own way and at their own pace, and some people are just naturally more extroverted than others. The fact you've been able to get along with a good amount of other people means you may just not share interests or anything with the people in your flat which is totally fine ^^
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    not if you don't make it better... for a start, don't get annoyed at it being messy or people drinking, it's university and it's freshers - this is very normal

    if you want to make better friends you have to force your way in a bit, ask people to hang out, don't avoid them, be overly friendly and chatty if they're not talking to you

    however it's not the end of the world not to get on with your flatmates - you can make friends elsewhere
    I completely disagree with this. Yeah, it might be normal for freshers but that doesn't make it okay. Yes you have to accept that we are all going to have different standards of living but at the same time there's a standard that becomes unacceptable. Leaving social spaces in a mess is not acceptable. Does that mean it won't happen? Of course not. But that certainly doesn't mean the OP shouldn't get annoyed.

    Forcing your way into established groups can have terrible repercussions and is often a way to just push the other people away from you. It would certainly not by my suggestion to force your way in. A better method is to build up the friendships. Yes, not avoiding them and talking is a part of that but it's also difficult for people with anxiety. And if it backfires you can pretty much guarantee you won't make friends at all.

    Instead look for more casual ways to strike up conversation. Ask open ended questions that force people to respond. Rather than did you have a good day ask people how their day was, or what they did. People will talk more if they can't simply answer yes or no.

    It's not the end of the world but it does make life more difficult. You have to live with these people for the best part of a year. You don't need to be close friends but you need to get along.

    Don't rush these sorts of things. Take it slow. Differences in character mean some people will make friends easier than others. To some extent you may simply not be able to make friends at all. If they've already judged you and aren't interested then it's more work than it's worth to try and be friends.

    Speaking frankly if these people aren't being civil towards you then is it worth wasting time making friends with them? Offer them the bare amount of courtesy but otherwise they're not worth your time. If things are too bad speak to your accommodation and see if you can swap to somewhere that's more to your liking.

    But ultimately you need to deal with the issue somehow. Throughout life you'll come across people you won't get along with and it's important to develop skills for dealing with them. You won't usually have the option to run away or not deal with them. Even if it's tough keep trying. Discuss how you feel with them. Learn from it.
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    (Original post by Acsel)
    I completely disagree with this. Yeah, it might be normal for freshers but that doesn't make it okay. Yes you have to accept that we are all going to have different standards of living but at the same time there's a standard that becomes unacceptable. Leaving social spaces in a mess is not acceptable. Does that mean it won't happen? Of course not. But that certainly doesn't mean the OP shouldn't get annoyed.

    Forcing your way into established groups can have terrible repercussions and is often a way to just push the other people away from you. It would certainly not by my suggestion to force your way in. A better method is to build up the friendships. Yes, not avoiding them and talking is a part of that but it's also difficult for people with anxiety. And if it backfires you can pretty much guarantee you won't make friends at all.

    Instead look for more casual ways to strike up conversation. Ask open ended questions that force people to respond. Rather than did you have a good day ask people how their day was, or what they did. People will talk more if they can't simply answer yes or no.


    It's not the end of the world but it does make life more difficult. You have to live with these people for the best part of a year. You don't need to be close friends but you need to get along.

    Don't rush these sorts of things. Take it slow. Differences in character mean some people will make friends easier than others. To some extent you may simply not be able to make friends at all. If they've already judged you and aren't interested then it's more work than it's worth to try and be friends.

    Speaking frankly if these people aren't being civil towards you then is it worth



    wasting time making friends with them? Offer them the bare amount of courtesy but otherwise they're not worth your time. If things are too bad speak to your accommodation and see if you can swap to somewhere that's more to your liking.

    But ultimately you need to deal with the issue somehow. Throughout life you'll come across people you won't get along with and it's important to develop skills for dealing with them. You won't usually have the option to run away or not deal with
    them. Even if it's tough keep trying. Discuss how you feel with them. Learn from it.
    Thank you so much for your response. I wish people would stop excusing some behaviour just because it's freshers. We all pay for the kitchen therefore it shouldn't really be a tip for days on end, and dishes shouldn't be left in the sink for days. Nor, should you be making so much noise around 3am in the night when others will be sleeping 'just because it's freshers', not everyone is into that sort of thing and I feel some people actually forget this.

    Yes, I do try to speak to them but the conversation kind of ends quite quickly but they're nice enough usually. It's only been a week so hopefully, over time it will get better but like I said before, you really can't be friends with everyone.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for your response. I wish people would stop excusing some behaviour just because it's freshers. We all pay for the kitchen therefore it shouldn't really be a tip for days on end, and dishes shouldn't be left in the sink for days. Nor, should you be making so much noise around 3am in the night when others will be sleeping 'just because it's freshers', not everyone is into that sort of thing and I feel some people actually forget this.

    Yes, I do try to speak to them but the conversation kind of ends quite quickly but they're nice enough usually. It's only been a week so hopefully, over time it will get better but like I said before, you really can't be friends with everyone.
    you need to just let it go about the mess/drinking for this first week, otherwise your situation isn't going to get much better. have a couple of shots and join them
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for your response. I wish people would stop excusing some behaviour just because it's freshers. We all pay for the kitchen therefore it shouldn't really be a tip for days on end, and dishes shouldn't be left in the sink for days. Nor, should you be making so much noise around 3am in the night when others will be sleeping 'just because it's freshers', not everyone is into that sort of thing and I feel some people actually forget this.

    Yes, I do try to speak to them but the conversation kind of ends quite quickly but they're nice enough usually. It's only been a week so hopefully, over time it will get better but like I said before, you really can't be friends with everyone.
    I know how you're feeling. Freshers is absolutely not an excuse for slovenly behaviour. You all have to live in the same place. However at the same time it's important to remember that everyone has different tastes. Noise at 3am isn't fair on people trying to sleep. But equally saying nobody can go out drinking because they'll get in at 3am and make noise isn't fair either. There's no way to keep everyone happy and most people end up going with the drinking route. After freshers things should quieten down though.

    Try and look at why conversations are ending quickly. Are you encouraging people to talk? Are they being unresponsive? It's possible to get anyone to talk if you know what's going on.

    The whole "people are drunk and making noise" is really something you have to live with for now. It won't carry on but it's freshers and that's what happens.

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