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Dating secretly behind my parents back

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    Hi I'm Iranian (but live in the UK) and am in my second year of university. I met a guy I liked online and have been dating him for a month now however I can't tell my parents because
    1) the guy is not Muslim or Iranian and my mum is adamant that I date and marry an Iranian guy
    2) what he studied at uni would not be something my mum would call equal or above what I'm studying
    3) my mum says I should tell her if I'm dating someone but in her mind dating someone is me finding an Iranian guy, going to coffee shops with him now and then and that's that. Then marrying him like a year later. She would go ballistic if she found out I've been physical with guys. My whole family are against sex before marriage and I don't even know what they'd do if they found out I had sex before marriage (which I haven't yet).
    I wouldn't call myself religious as there's a lot of aspects of Islam I don't agree with but I'm quite a spiritual person and believe in God, it gives me hope but I dont think you should live your life completely ruled by what a book says but instead live it as a moral person, doing good deeds for others.

    What do I do? It's so unfair none of my western friends have to date their boyfriends behind their parents backs
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi I'm Iranian (but live in the UK) and am in my second year of university. I met a guy I liked online and have been dating him for a month now however I can't tell my parents because
    1) the guy is not Muslim or Iranian and my mum is adamant that I date and marry an Iranian guy
    2) what he studied at uni would not be something my mum would call equal or above what I'm studying
    3) my mum says I should tell her if I'm dating someone but in her mind dating someone is me finding an Iranian guy, going to coffee shops with him now and then and that's that. Then marrying him like a year later. She would go ballistic if she found out I've been physical with guys. My whole family are against sex before marriage and I don't even know what they'd do if they found out I had sex before marriage (which I haven't yet).
    I wouldn't call myself religious as there's a lot of aspects of Islam I don't agree with but I'm quite a spiritual person and believe in God, it gives me hope but I dont think you should live your life completely ruled by what a book says but instead live it as a moral person, doing good deeds for others.

    What do I do? It's so unfair none of my western friends have to date their boyfriends behind their parents backs
    I know you may feel like your treated unfairly but I suppose the older generation tend to be more strict religiously. Its always good to build the trust with your parents and should be able to speak to them about anything....and I know it sounds hard....but have you tried?

    Even though I was dating an Asian girl, firstly my parents didn't agree, but I showed them its not as bad as they think it is....and they had to accept me dating who I want...as its my life...

    Hiding and getting caught....will just give you more headache down the line....and that's were trust is broken.
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    Your parents don't own you, carry on with your life.
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    (Original post by Waki7866)
    I know you may feel like your treated unfairly but I suppose the older generation tend to be more strict religiously. Its always good to build the trust with your parents and should be able to speak to them about anything....and I know it sounds hard....but have you tried?

    Even though I was dating an Asian girl, firstly my parents didn't agree, but I showed them its not as bad as they think it is....and they had to accept me dating who I want...as its my life...

    Hiding and getting caught....will just give you more headache down the line....and that's were trust is broken.
    It's easier for you though, you're a guy. Come on admit it they're more lenient and understanding with guys. With girls it's an automatic no no they don't even bother hearing you out. I have cousins who've liked other Iranian guys but their parents have deemed the guy to not be up to their standards so have said no. This guy isn't even Iranian so mine is an absolute no no
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    (Original post by West Bank Spank)
    Your parents don't own you, carry on with your life.
    That's easier said than done this is all making me so anxious and worried I feel sick all the time
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's easier said than done this is all making me so anxious and worried I feel sick all the time
    marrying someone you don't love will be worse
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    I don't think you need to make yourself feel like that....Don't drag yourself in the corner....giv eyourself a chance atleast...

    and yes you are right...guys have it much much easier.....but we still have some sort of limitations too....

    I suppose my parents are old and I get away with everything....

    personally....iv seen Asian girls in the same situation....they end up getting married to parents wishes and go off the rails....I can understand the situation your in...its hard...your parents really strict?

    have to remember....its your life at the end of the day....sometimes have to take the hard choice and go with it...

    and bdw...don't think one month to know someone is enough to do something crazy....sooo think about it carefully.
    #2

    do you see a future with this guy?
    if you date boys who are iranian/muslim then it won't be a big deal if your parents ever find out. right now you might not be attracted to them but when you think about your future and the type of guy who'll want to marry you and share your values i think you'll feel more comfortable with guys of your own culture.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    do you see a future with this guy?
    if you date boys who are iranian/muslim then it won't be a big deal if your parents ever find out. right now you might not be attracted to them but when you think about your future and the type of guy who'll want to marry you and share your values i think you'll feel more comfortable with guys of your own culture.
    I don't know. I mean I just wanna pass the time with this guy and see where it goes but it's so frustrating that because of how backwards my family is that I have to keep it a secret. I've tried liking other Iranian guys but all the ones I know I don't like like that and don't like their personalities either
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    I agree...if its just a moment thing....dont need to rush and tell them....wait for the right guy....it can take time...enjoy life rather then feeel depressed. Make the most of it and enjoy the time you have with him...

    To soon to decide if he is the "one"
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    (Original post by Waki7866)
    I agree...if its just a moment thing....dont need to rush and tell them....wait for the right guy....it can take time...enjoy life rather then feeel depressed. Make the most of it and enjoy the time you have with him...
    To soon to decide if he is the "one"
    But I hate our culture. I hate it I hate it I hate. I wish I was born to anything else. If I was born to any other culture or religion and I would have more freedom than I do now. And this is coming from someone who has fairly modern and laid back parents compared to the way more conservative ones (imagine what they're like...)
    And I hate how it's alright for a guy in Islam to marry a Christian or Jew but not a girl. Oh no the girl has to stay within the confines of Islam doesn't she
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    I kno and it can be frustrating. Islam isnt the problem...its our culture...islam didnt invent marrying the same cast or race or family...aslong as they muslim it was acceptable for a women....and reason whyas the child usually takes the religion of the father....thats the general idea...and may be a few other islamic reasons...

    But i suppose you have a choice and freewil to decide...

    I dont agree with the backward minded ideas...especially when its created through culture and not islam
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    do you see a future with this guy?
    if you date boys who are iranian/muslim then it won't be a big deal if your parents ever find out. right now you might not be attracted to them but when you think about your future and the type of guy who'll want to marry you and share your values i think you'll feel more comfortable with guys of your own culture.
    She doesn't need to have plans to marry her boyfriend for them to have a relationship, it's not all or nothing. Also if Muslim guys are insecure, controlling (in a bad way) and judgmental, she's probably not going to want to marry one or else it will be like her parents, but she has to have sex with them :eek:
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    We all have freewil to decide what religion we follow... islam isnt about restriction....its about modesty..so you feeling tied down and limited...isnt what islam is about...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi I'm Iranian (but live in the UK) and am in my second year of university. I met a guy I liked online and have been dating him for a month now however I can't tell my parents because
    1) the guy is not Muslim or Iranian and my mum is adamant that I date and marry an Iranian guy
    2) what he studied at uni would not be something my mum would call equal or above what I'm studying
    3) my mum says I should tell her if I'm dating someone but in her mind dating someone is me finding an Iranian guy, going to coffee shops with him now and then and that's that. Then marrying him like a year later. She would go ballistic if she found out I've been physical with guys. My whole family are against sex before marriage and I don't even know what they'd do if they found out I had sex before marriage (which I haven't yet).
    I wouldn't call myself religious as there's a lot of aspects of Islam I don't agree with but I'm quite a spiritual person and believe in God, it gives me hope but I dont think you should live your life completely ruled by what a book says but instead live it as a moral person, doing good deeds for others.

    What do I do? It's so unfair none of my western friends have to date their boyfriends behind their parents backs
    It's your life. Stay with people that care about you, and leave those who think they own you. You don't have to love your parents if they are horrible with you.
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    (Original post by West Bank Spank)
    She doesn't need to have plans to marry her boyfriend for them to have a relationship, it's not all or nothing. Also if Muslim guys are insecure, controlling (in a bad way) and judgmental, she's probably not going to want to marry one or else it will be like her parents, but she has to have sex with them :eek:
    You cant decide all muslims are bad because one guy was an ideot....and judgemental
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    (Original post by Waki7866)
    You cant decide all muslims are bad because one guy was an ideot....and judgemental
    If a man treats OP badly because she had a White boyfriend he's probably insecure, pathetic and has a small penis. It wasn't until I started discussing things online I learned how much some men feel the need to police a woman's past
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    Thats correct....a man shouldnt be that way....religion teaches you to respect your women....culture tells you she has to stay at home...so there is the difference....

    Religion isnt the issue...culture and mentality is...
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    And i do feel for her....i can understand her issue....but i just dont want her to feel helpless....

    Need to enjoy life...rather then let the issue such as this worry tou

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