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I dont know what to do

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    I'm 4 feet 10 inches tall. Or Maybe 4 feet 9.5 inches tall. I feel terrible about this. My mother is 5'2. My father is 5'9. My brothers are 5'8. My sister is my mothers height. I ended up being incredibly short. When I wear high heels I only become as tall as my mum/sister. Growing up, until primary school I had normal height. When we would be asked to stand in a line in accordance of our height back in primary school, I would be somewhere in the middle of the line. I went to a World IB school, so primary school was until 5th grade. Then you move onto the middle school / high school: the buildings are attached and usually classes are the same. After summer vacation ended at the end of 5th grade, everyone was taller than me at 6th grade other than 2 other girls. I got bullied a lot throughout middle school. I would come home crying, asking my mother to take me to a doctor or something because middle school is until 8th grade and I didnt grow an inch, but she would always dismiss it saying I'm just a late bloomer like her or that she thinks I'm being silly and the older I grow I'll reach my potential height. I understand being a single mother is tough but she honestly neglected me ever since I turned 11, till this day she really doesn't know her daughter at all. Moving onto high school, all these years the bullying continued. When I became 16 my mother finally decided something was wrong so I went to an endocrinologist and she checked my bone age, and it showed I was 16 at the time. She said that meant HGH hormones wouldn't work on me as there was about 1/2cm of gap left between my bones so she said it would be a waste of money. So I didn't get it. Since then I've just been in denial sort of until the age of 17. I prayed all the time to God to make me taller hoping some sort of miracle would happen. Look I know most people on TSR don't believe in a God but I was desperate, I always prayed. I even did those stretching exercises online that promises to make you taller by a few inches but nothing worked. I hung from a bar for 5 minute everyday, my palms are left with marks from hanging for so long, yet nothign happened. This whole issue with my self image, and a few other things in my personal life led me to a terrible depression where I lived reclusively up until now. I'm 19 years old now. Because honestly it sucks being how I am. I don't have a nice face. I don't have a nice body. There is nothing nice about me. My sisters 8 year old daughter is nearly as tall as me. It sucks being tiny amongst people that are 6'2, 5'8 and when you're short if you're 5'3 - a height I cant get to even with 4 inch heels. I can't even walk in heels! All I have is my brain. A part of me wanted to apply to Oxford this September but I passed it up as I'm scared to go out into the world, I don't know how. It's not that I don't want to live life, I do. I want to be able to go to music festivals, travel around Europe, go clubbing, fall in love, have a proper relationship, go to university and live the uni life, be thought of as beautiful, not only on the inside but on the outside too. I have seriously considered killing myself because even I wouldn't want me, why would anyone else? I have nothing to offer other than my skills in academia. That, and everyone says I'm the kindest person they know. But no one cares about that. My mother spent her summer holidays in Paris and brought me back tons of designer dresses. I felt terrible because none of them fits me.The knee length Valentino dresses are ankle length for me, the thigh high Dior dresses are up to my knees. I look like a child trying to dress up as a grown up. Even my sisters husband forgot my age and told one of his friends I am 13 when he introduced me to his colleagues at a party - I was 18 then! I am part of a society I cannot escape from. And I cannot kill myself either because god wants me to live and I do want to live, but not like this. Not where I'm viewed the way I'm viewed. I don't know what to do. Everyone will tell me to get over it, gain self-confidence and go out there. But it's not that easy, and if it didnt happen for the past 5 years it's not gunna happen now. Oxford was my dream since I was in the 3rd grade when i visited my brother who studying law there. yet I passed it up this fall to apply there. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to live with myself. I just don't know anymore. I often dream about those nice quick flings people have during summer. Where they see one another and spend time and have a nice time together. Thats how my sister met her husband. But me? People will look at me and either think child or ugly or probably terrorist since I've got dark skin. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to live with myself. I wish I could just die.

    Why did this suddenly get so suicidal over your height? O.O (Just scanned over it) If you want to die then there are clearly many other underlying problems. There are thousands of people who deal with the problem you are facing of being short and its all about accommodating to your situation. There's nothing you can do to change it so there is no point being upset about it. All you can really do it embrace it and embrace your body. Someone out there is one day going to think you are brilliant and awesome and great and it may even be because of your height and body but you have to first learn to love yourself before someone can love you.

    Also you sound like you are kinda depressed and lack a lot of self confidence so I think you should see your GP and maybe see a therapist or a counsellor.
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