I'm 17 years old, currently studying A-Levels and have been feeling sad and depressed for quite a long time now.
I think due to my personality as a shy, reclusive person, I don't know how to talk, or to communicate with people and my relationships with others has suffered as a result. It's as if I'm always observing situations as a third person rather than being involved myself.
I know how people often say "be yourself" or "everyone is unique" or "don't try to be who you aren't" but being myself doesn't help me at all. My personality just does not help me build relationships with other people at all when the fact is that friends are vital in your life. I wish so much that I could make friends but I lack both the confidence and the courage to step up and talk to people - that's just who I am.
And at times like these, I hate myself. I hate the fact that I'm such a coward,I hate how everyone seems to be able to get along with each other with such ease and I have to struggle and struggle to achieve the same thing. I hate how every single day I have to put on a mask, to plaster on a fake smile in order to stop my hurt and jealousy from showing on my face.
I can't do anything but bottle up my emotions and ignore the people around me and focus solely on my work. I come home after school and to stop myself from feeling horrible all the time, I play games excessively, I read books excessively and I watch TV excessively. And by doing so, my grades have dropped considerably, my homework is falling apart, my lack of dedication to school has fell because an addiction to this sort of stuff has developed. It's because this feeling has developed where I want to escape from the real world and into a world where I'm not who I am right now, and it's taken over me completely.
But in the end it still hurts, so, so much
(Sorry guys, I just had too much emotions built up and had to vent somewhere and coincidentally, this just seemed like somewhat of an ideal place for me + I prefer not speaking to helplines because they don't relate to my situation at all and all they ever do is offer their sympathies and be completely useless. )
Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person in the world.
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