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Help with paragraphing (GCSE English Opinion Writing)

I'm preparing an opinion piece of writing for a controlled assessment and I'm stuck on how to break up one of the paragraphs, or if I should leave it as one. My tutor felt the paragraph ran a bit too long, and I agree, but we couldn't work out how to break it so she said to leave it whole. I've taken another look and think I might have found a way but not sure if it works so I'm looking for some opinions.

The original paragraph reads:
"You might argue that these programmes inspire us to cook and eat more healthily. Regrettably, they don't. The reported rise in obestity continues to grow at a shocking rate which indicates these programmes are not inspiring us to cook healthy meals at all. There are a number of reason for this failure. Firstly, ...." This goes on to explain three reasons.

We felt breaking each reason into its own paragraph would be better, but couldn't work out where to make the first paragraph break.

This is what I've come up with, does it work?
"You might argue that these programmes inspire us to cook and eat more healthily. Regrettably, they don't. The reported rise in obestity continues to grow at a shocking rate which indicates these programmes are not inspiring us to cook healthy meals at all. Read on and I'll explain the reasons for this failure.

Firstly, ...." each of the three points will be in a paragraph of its own.

Any other suggestions on how to break the paragraph are welcome. Thanks in advance :smile:
I'd keep it as one para if I were you. Longish paras are ok in some circumstances and this may be one of them. The read on and I'l explain business takes away from the professional tone of the piece.
Original post by alleycat393
I'd keep it as one para if I were you. Longish paras are ok in some circumstances and this may be one of them. The read on and I'l explain business takes away from the professional tone of the piece.


Thanks for your feedback, I'll go with this as I keep thinking how I had it originally (as one paragraph) read better than being broken up, even although it makes for a longish paragraph.

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