17 and lost

Right so im just going to get straight into it and say im a complete loser. Im 17 and sitting on my ass, i attended school and did not get one C grade in my GCSEs. Luckily i got into my schools sixth form solely off me having a grade D in English and because teachers said i was just lazy but good at the work anyway. So they gave me a chance. **** happened in sixth form and got kicked out in January 2016, was so angry and sad i just carried on working in my part time job. I was planning on going to college but i did not know if i would get accepted because it was January, i carried on working next thing you know August had come up. At this this point i had more of a motivation to do an apprenticeship instead of going college, but even the majority of intermediate (Level 2) apprenticeships i wanted to do wanted 5 A-C GCSEs. I have none. In fact it to took me to midway September that i gave up looking for apprenticeships and decided that i cant even get one without AT LEAST my maths and english, so i decided to go college. But the ****ing idiot that i am applied when term ended and submissions were closed for the surrounding colleges, and now i have just given up with life. lol but seriously i want to get qualifications so i can go to university but im just lost and confused as to how to now go about doing that. To conclude, i have no GCSEs and cant get an apprenticeship without my main ones, Colleges submissions have ended and now its November and im ****ed. Um suggestions?

@ExamsAreOver I mean submissions for college, not uni. I have been looking for an apprenticeship but again, i have not even got the minimum GCSEs. I was hoping once i got into college and started a course, i could do my maths and english on the side with the college. Im 17 and all my friends will be off to uni next septmber, while im stuck a year behind. Can you apply for college in January or is that only for uni?

Sorry. I use the word uni and college interchangeably. You should be able to apply to College in January. If you do not meet the minimum requirements, sit your GCSE again, although it will take 6 months for the exam to get graded.