Would you be ok with your live-in boyfriend getting a female lodger?

I live with my boyfriend who currently has a male tenant renting his spare room. He states his income (I also contribute to bills) is good enough to manage without a tenant however he likes to use the payments towards his new car. For some reason he prefers female tenants. His other potential candidate before this man was a young woman slightly older than me. She was very pretty and as soon as he brought her into the house to see what I made of her and I heard her loud laugh I felt instantly threatened and like I couldn’t even fathom living with it. It isn’t even that I think my boyfriend would cheat as I do trust him. I just don’t want another woman in his personal living space. It’s my initial serious relationship and it would just be a big problem, even a deal breaker for me. I want our privacy and I don't want a further complication of another woman potentially affecting that. I can be very insecure however I’m not afraid to admit this. I don’t have issues with female friends… he even has an ex who he talks to on a regular basis... however I do have issues with females living with me and him. He also admitted he slept with a female tenant in the past (before he met me) so this again doesn’t help as I worry a lot of emotional intimacy can be generated from living together. My boyfriend is currently looking for a new tenant due to the current guy having issues with payments. I again have politely requested he please only look for males which has frustrated him even though he’s had a male interested already in the place. I wonder if I am being unreasonable.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 1

soanonymous

11

Maybe he likes female tenants for the same reason you like male tenants?

It shouldn't be an issue if you both trust each other.

Reply 2

Reality Check

22

Original post by jellybabies22

He also admitted he slept with a female tenant in the past (before he met me)

Time to walk, lady... You've clearly got trust issues with him, and he's clearly not committed enough to either you or the relationship to understand these concerns and at least meet you halfway. He sounds a bit selfish to me. And for a car, not even to pay the rent or anything!

To be fair, you are being slightly unreasonable - you should be able to trust each other enough in a relationship that the sex of his tenants is irrelevant. However, clearly you can't, and he isn't bothered about taking these concerns on board. For this reason, maybe he's not quite the right one in this respect.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 3

Lavaridge

11

Well, you prefer males, because they're less threatening to you; maybe he prefers females for the same reason. Objectively one of you has to put up with somebody of the same sex, and it is his room and his decision.

If you want to come across as reasonable, you have to think of a good reason why your desire to have another man in the house is somehow more legitimate than his preference for it to be a woman.

It sounds like you also knew when you agreed to live with him that he takes tenants (of both sexes) so it would be wrong to try to persuade him to live without an extra income source.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 4

username47781

20

Original post by jellybabies22

I live with my boyfriend who currently has a male tenant renting his spare room. He states his income (I also contribute to bills) is good enough to manage without a tenant however he likes to use the payments towards his new car. For some reason he prefers female tenants. His other potential candidate before this man was a young woman slightly older than me. She was very pretty and as soon as he brought her into the house to see what I made of her and I heard her loud laugh I felt instantly threatened and like I couldn’t even fathom living with it. It isn’t even that I think my boyfriend would cheat as I do trust him. I just don’t want another woman in his personal living space. It’s my first serious relationship and it would just be a big problem, even a deal breaker for me. I want our privacy and I don't want a further complication of another woman potentially affecting that. I can be very insecure however I’m not afraid to admit this. I don’t have issues with female friends… he even has an ex who he talks to on a regular basis... however I do have issues with females living with me and him. He also admitted he slept with a female tenant in the past (before he met me) so this again doesn’t help as I worry a lot of emotional intimacy can be generated from living together. My boyfriend is currently looking for a new tenant due to the current guy having issues with payments. I again have politely requested he please only look for males which has frustrated him even though he’s had a male interested already in the place. I wonder if I am being unreasonable.

Well he is going out with you because he wants to be with you, just because it looks like he is getting a female tenant doesn't mean he wants you any less, sounds to me like you don't trust him. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to him.

Reply 5

jellybabies22

OP

9

Original post by Reality Check

Time to walk, lady... You've clearly got trust issues with him, and he's clearly not committed enough to either you or the relationship to understand these concerns and at least meet you halfway. He sounds a bit selfish to me. And for a car, not even to pay the rent or anything!

To be fair, you are being slightly unreasonable - you should be able to trust each other enough in a relationship that the sex of his tenants is irrelevant. However, clearly you can't, and he isn't bothered about taking these concerns on board. For this reason, maybe he's not quite the right one in this respect.

In the past he did take these feelings into consideration by choosing the male tenant over her, however he still is entertaining the idea of bringing female tenants in which he knows would make me uncomfortable. I personally think if it's about the money, and that only, it shouldn't matter to him if the tenant is female or not.

Reply 6

Reality Check

22

Original post by jellybabies22

In the past he did take these feelings into consideration by choosing the male tenant over her, however he still is entertaining the idea of bringing female tenants in which he knows would make me uncomfortable. I personally think if it's about the money, and that only, it shouldn't matter to him if the tenant is female or not.

Yes, and this is why I point out the fact that he clearly considers his choice in which tenant to choose is more important than your considerations about it. But to be fair, he should really be able to choose either male or female and apart from his admission to sleeping with an ex-tenant before he met you, you don't actually have any substantive grounds to insist he has only male tenants.

Again - I think this all boils down to a trust issue. Have you tried talking to him calmly about this - how it makes you feel and why you'd rather he had only a male tenant. Have you told him how, as your first serious relationship, you sometimes don't quite know how things 'work'. Talk to him - not to us! But remember that relationships are all about compromise, and there is no real reason why he shouldn't get a female tenant if that's his choice - you need to learn to trust him not to do any funny business with her. After all, he chose to be with you, didn't he?!

Reply 7

username2885068

11

If he's slept with a female tenant in the past, I personally don't doubt it'll happen again... The whole things seem dodgy... And I know you say you're ok with it, but from an outsiders perspective, a man who talks to an ex doesn't seem like someone who's actually committed..