Sixth Form Personal Statements - share tips and ask for advice

I just wrote three paragraphs in response to your question, but lost them by pressing a wrong key. Dammit. So I'll jsut give you the quick version now:

It's a functional personal statement and will not jeopardise your chances of getting admission. However, its stylistic and grammatical problems will fail to impress the admissions secretary. I don't have the time to explain these now, so I have shown a 'before' and 'after' makeover of one of the sections in the statement, which should indicate where you can improve.

Before:

"From my early days, I have always thrived on the sense of accomplishment or the feeling of satisfaction once a problem has been solved. That said, I've always wanted exciting courses in which studying isn't part of a routine but involves various projects and working with people. This, combined with the college’s remarkable reputation and my academic strength in dealing with problems and equations - the above lead me to choosing to study maths, further maths, physics and chemistry at Woodhouse College."

After:

"I feel an affinity for scientific, deductive subjects because I enjoy the intellectual workout of solving problems, whether they are mathematical equations, chemical experiments or group project work in physics. My keen interest in these subjects should translate into hard work, an inquisitive approach and, ultimately, good examination results."

Before:

"The other work experience was last summer at the Deutsche Bank for 4 weeks. I requested a work placement here because I felt I needed to expand my knowledge of financial handling, working as a team and of course, learning to work under a pressurised environment. I believe that these skills are essential as they provide the foundation on which my life should be based and built upon. Tasks I did include; buying meals for employees, helping to prepare rooms for employees use and organising paperwork. Although my duties at the bank were restricted due to the nature of my employment, I still feel that I have gained an excellent insight into the day to day workings within a large banking community. On the whole, it was a fantastic experience"

After:

"My second work placement was in Deutsche Bank for four weeks last summer. I wanted to gain an insight into the high-pressure world of such an eminent bank. The four weeks allowed me to develop the personal discipline that is required for better organisation and group work. Although my role was largely clerical, I came out with a more sound understanding of how an efficient financial organisation such as Deutsche Bank works."

I hope you can see that there are parts of the text that could do with fewer unnecessary words, better grammar and a more direct, to-the-point approach. I have tried to show a better approach, but I'm sure you can improve my own 'Afters' and produce a very good personal statement. Do this if you want to really impress.

Yeah guys, we've been asked at school to write a two page long PS, but a generic one, not aimed at applying to any particular college (though I'd like to go to Hills Road!); I'd appreciate it if you could give it a general checkover, 'cos we have to put it into a "dropbox" in two weeks, and we can't do anything with it after that.

Sorry it's positioned wierdly; technical difficulties
Many thanks in advance!

Originally Posted by goldlock
Yeah guys, we've been asked at school to write a two page long PS, but a generic one, not aimed at applying to any particular college (though I'd like to go to Hills Road!); I'd appreciate it if you could give it a general checkover, 'cos we have to put it into a "dropbox" in two weeks, and we can't do anything with it after that.

Sorry it's positioned wierdly; technical difficulties
Many thanks in advance!

For my primary options for courses, I chose Law, Economics, Graphics, and Geography. I selected Law because of my interest for the English legal system, and how it works. I am also interested in Economics, and would be interested in taking up the Economics and Business studies ‘double-option’, if possible. I also have a keen interest for Graphics – I do Design Technology at GCSE and really enjoy the more graphical orientated elements of it. I have also requested a work placement in graphic design position, in the summer. Geography is my favourite subject at GCSE level, as I have a great passion for the subject. I therefore thought I would enjoy taking it to a higher level. For my ‘reserve’ choices, I chose Modern History, and Psychology. I take History for GCSE, which focuses on the modern aspects, which I enjoy and would be happy to continue with for A-level. Psychology also interests me, and so I also picked that as one of my reserve choices. Law and Graphics are not offered at my current school (Ipswich School) and this is one of the main reasons I am particularly interested in joining the Colchester Sixth Form College.

Outside of school, I have a great passion for listening to music. I really enjoy discovering new bands, throughout a wide range of genres. I also really enjoy football, I like to think of myself as a keen Ipswich Town fan. I am a season ticket holder, and regularly attend their matches. I am also interested in new technology, I am good at computers, which I can use to my advantage whilst working. I achieved a high enough mark in the 11+ exam to pass it, but I chose to go to Ipswich School as it appealed to me more.

In school, I partake in the R.A.F. section of the C.C.F. This has taught me many things; including teamwork, and leadership skills. I go on regular field trips with the section, on which we complete a wide range of teamwork based tasks. I also am currently learning to fly with the R.A.F. I also gained the ‘World Challenge Learning to Lead Silver Award’, on a weekend-away trip with the school in which we used our teamwork abilities to complete designated tasks and scenarios, eg. A Plane crash scenario where we had to search the area for survivors and safely get them back to a safe point using techniques we had learnt over the weekend. I enjoy playing football in school, playing every week for sport activity. I also used to play for a football team (Witnesham Wasps), for two years, before leaving so that I could concentrate more on school work. I believe my time in the team was of great benefit to me, and I gained many skills from it. I also enjoy playing squash at school, a new sport that I have recently taken up. I am really enjoying it so far, and I believe I am quickly improving in my skill.

I have been studying at Priory Sports and Technology College for 3 years and I am now in my fourth year (Year 10). I have entered for seven exams. They are: English, Maths, Science, RE, B-Tec ICT, Applied Business and History. When I leave school in 2009, I hope to get a place at Newman College, as I would like to study Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Economics A-levels.

I enjoy taking part in sports in my own time but I have not taken PE as a GCSE. I enjoy playing sports such as football, tennis, table tennis and badminton. I exercise, and play sports regularly with my friends. I exercise a lot with my friends. Mostly, just to have some fun and enjoy myself, as well as keeping fit.

At the moment, I am interested in a career associated with science. I feel that as my strong scientific section is chemistry, I could head down the path of becoming a chemist. I have felt the experience of working in a chemist, as I worked in two during the work experience period, one in either week. I spent time in a larger one in the first week, and then a smaller one in the second week. My knowledge of a chemist increased due to this. In addition, I was offered a part-time job at one of these chemists, which I accepted. I will have to see how I do in my education, as to which doors open for me in the future. I hope that if I do well, I will be able to pursue my ambition of becoming a chemist.

I take part in many extra-curricular activities. I attend a youth club, which is open twice a week in the evenings. This allows members to socialise, play sports and games. Also, the youth workers set-up trips and events to football matches, water parks, parties and universities. There is a weekly table-tennis club, which I attend. This again allows me to socialise and improve my skills of the game. On top of this, I play football once a week with my friends. As the local primary school I went to is very close, they allow me to stand on the stalls of their annual winter and summer fairs. I have been doing this many years up to now.

At my school, I have achieved many things for which I take great pride. One of my main achievements was when I received a B grade for my extra statistics GCSE. I had worked hard to get my grade up to this level. I felt that my hard work had paid off. Staying with maths, with my module one and two scores put together, I am so far on an A*. This is making me even more determined to work hard, not only in maths, but also in all of the GCSE’s which I am sitting.

I also am an enthusiastic member of my form, who takes part in charity events. Recently, we had an annual ‘jeans for genes’ charity day, for which I volunteered to stand on the stall of one of the tuck shops. I felt that I did my position justice.

I would love to join Newman College, as I have visited it, and made my decision that it is the college for me, as it would provide for all of my educational needs. I am an ambitious student, and I will do whatever I am capable of to achieve my goals in life, and to keep the amazing standards of the college high as well.

Thank You
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Right, so I'm applying to Bishop Vesey's Grammer School to study Biology, Chemistry Psychology and Mathematics, and I just wondered whether this personal statement reads well and is correct grammer-wise. Any suggestions for improvement would be great. Thanks.


I completed a two week work placement at Birches Green Junior School. This involved assisting young children with learning in various ways such as helping to improve their reading skills, learn new spellings and introducing the children to new I.C.T. techniques. I also worked with other members of staff, led a P.E. lesson and took on the role of secretary for a day; all of which have greatly improved my inter-personal skills and also made me more confident about working in a social environment.

I have a passion for sports, especially Football. I play for the school team as well as previously playing for a successful league team for five years, which has made me good team player with high levels of determination and commitment. These qualities have attributed to me gaining the Junior Sports Leaders Award, as well as being appointed House Captain and Form Representative.

I enjoy music as I find it to be a creative release. I’m particularly drawn to the Alternative, Indie and Rock genres of music; all of which heavily influence my drumming, Reading also appeals to me. I find that Fiction, especially the Horror genre, captivates my imagination as I enjoy becoming immersed in the stories as well as exploring creative ideas and techniques used by the authors.

I’m really keen on the idea of studying Biology and Chemistry as these subjects have always fascinated me; particularly the aspects of learning how people function biologically, and how our lives rely heavily on Chemistry, as well as these subjects leading me to my aspiration of studying Medicine. Psychology also interests me, as learning about how the mind works physically and emotionally, and in what ways the body reacts to various mental states intrigues me. I chose Mathematics as I particularly enjoy the problem solving aspects of this subject and it ties in well with Chemistry. Also, I’ve always succeeded in this subject, so I would like to further develop my mathematical knowledge.

i am applying to westminster and have written my personal statement, but it's 40 words over the word limit (500 words max)
it was originally 800 words, but i managed to get it down to 540, but now i'm having real difficulty cutting it down any further

i was just wondering if you thought that it that it would be okay, or if it's absolutely essential that i cut it down.
if the latter, then does anyone have any tips??

thank youuuu in advance!!!!!!!!!!