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Just in case you need a laugh: One for the RAF Lads
Scroll to see replies
Royal Navy Staff appraisal reports:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
I would not allow this employee to breed
This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle
This young lady has delusions of adequacy
He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
This employee should go far and the sooner the better
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier
I would like to go hunting with him sometime
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar
He's been working with glue too much
He would argue with a signpost
He has a knack of making strangers immediately
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell
If you see two people talking and one looks bored he's the other one
A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens
A prime candidate for natural deselection
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm
One neuron short of a synapse
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled
Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship
I would not breed from this Officer
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
Technically sound, but socially impossible
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
I would not allow this employee to breed
This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle
This young lady has delusions of adequacy
He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
This employee should go far and the sooner the better
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier
I would like to go hunting with him sometime
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar
He's been working with glue too much
He would argue with a signpost
He has a knack of making strangers immediately
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell
If you see two people talking and one looks bored he's the other one
A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens
A prime candidate for natural deselection
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm
One neuron short of a synapse
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled
Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship
I would not breed from this Officer
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
Technically sound, but socially impossible
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better
djmarkmclachlan
A what!? 
Yeah they got sent from a yank. Got some Chuck Norris ones if anyone wants to hear? Now they are funny but nothing to do with the forces
If this is inappropriate please get rid of it but I think these will own the Chuck Norris comments.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
MuseValheru
If this is inappropriate please get rid of it but I think these will own the Chuck Norris comments.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
+ repped, ****ing hilarious
Oh go on then, I'll give you a couple more funnies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW5NluCONTw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvrlKpB4Vmk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zW0c9EpdkU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSvDoDwhDZI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msA39hXtF4c&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnFx58GH_vI&feature=related
Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW5NluCONTw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvrlKpB4Vmk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zW0c9EpdkU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSvDoDwhDZI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msA39hXtF4c&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnFx58GH_vI&feature=related
Enjoy!
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters. And when I say knit, I mean kick. And when I say sweaters, I mean babies.
Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 10 feet tall, weighs 2 tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer, and can take a shotgun blast standing.
There is no creationism. There is no evolution. There are only the species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was complete, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and stole his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, admits he should have seen it coming and couldn't stay mad for long. The now play poker every tuesday.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. That has nothing do do with his ancestry. The man ate a whole indian.
Chuck Norris has a word for people he puts in a coma--"lucky
Chuck Norris can devide by 0.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night lite. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Only problem is, he's never cried.
Whenever Chuck Norris smiles, a dying person is saved. Unfortunatly, Chuck Norris only smiles when he's killed someone.
The Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women then most men.
When Chuck Norris was 13, he slept with every nun at the local monestary. Nine months later, the 1977 Miami Dolphins were born - the only undefeated team in NFL history.
Chuck Norris once slept with another man. Not because he was gay, but because he ran out of women to sleep with.
Chuck Norris once built a time machine to go back into time and save JFK from dying. Chuck Norris dove in and stopped all three of Oswald's shots with his beard. JFK was so amazed his head exploded.
Chuck Norris was once told by a man that the roundhouse kick was not as effective as a roundhouse punch. Chuck Norris immediatly kill the man with a roundhouse kick.
When entering the White House, Chuck Norris merley has to say "Chuck Norris" to be waved past the Secret Service.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
more....
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the **** out of Segal. Norris then ****ed your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.
There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."
Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a ****ing American" after kicking your little sister in the face
"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
And my personal favorite.....
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest 2 flush mega **** known to man. That mega **** is now France.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters. And when I say knit, I mean kick. And when I say sweaters, I mean babies.
Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 10 feet tall, weighs 2 tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer, and can take a shotgun blast standing.
There is no creationism. There is no evolution. There are only the species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was complete, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and stole his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, admits he should have seen it coming and couldn't stay mad for long. The now play poker every tuesday.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. That has nothing do do with his ancestry. The man ate a whole indian.
Chuck Norris has a word for people he puts in a coma--"lucky
Chuck Norris can devide by 0.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night lite. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Only problem is, he's never cried.
Whenever Chuck Norris smiles, a dying person is saved. Unfortunatly, Chuck Norris only smiles when he's killed someone.
The Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women then most men.
When Chuck Norris was 13, he slept with every nun at the local monestary. Nine months later, the 1977 Miami Dolphins were born - the only undefeated team in NFL history.
Chuck Norris once slept with another man. Not because he was gay, but because he ran out of women to sleep with.
Chuck Norris once built a time machine to go back into time and save JFK from dying. Chuck Norris dove in and stopped all three of Oswald's shots with his beard. JFK was so amazed his head exploded.
Chuck Norris was once told by a man that the roundhouse kick was not as effective as a roundhouse punch. Chuck Norris immediatly kill the man with a roundhouse kick.
When entering the White House, Chuck Norris merley has to say "Chuck Norris" to be waved past the Secret Service.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
more....
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the **** out of Segal. Norris then ****ed your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.
There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."
Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a ****ing American" after kicking your little sister in the face
"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
And my personal favorite.....
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest 2 flush mega **** known to man. That mega **** is now France.
englishman2987
Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.
Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.
A Herc most certainly is not deficient in terms of maneouverability compared to a FJ, they obviously hadn't played fighter affil with us
Exchanges between pilots and ground control:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
1. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"
2. After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."
3. While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"Other passengers left_inner their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs."Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"The pilot said they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?""There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
4. An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left_inner. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York." A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left_inner. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
5. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
6. A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
7. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
8. A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?""I just shut down two engines, kid."
9. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
10. Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
11. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
12.A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"
2. After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."
3. While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"Other passengers left_inner their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs."Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"The pilot said they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?""There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
4. An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left_inner. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York." A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left_inner. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
5. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
6. A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
7. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
8. A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?""I just shut down two engines, kid."
9. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
10. Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
11. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
12.A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"
How do you kill a PTI?
Throw a mirror in a swimming pool.
Throw a mirror in a swimming pool.
MuseValheru
If this is inappropriate please get rid of it but I think these will own the Chuck Norris comments.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
It would only take 1 bullet to kill 50 Cent.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless telephone
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're ****ed.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
****ing Bauer.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
+rep
That was amazing.
AC Bloggs
I did 'lol' at the one I have to admit. Might bring that out next PEd sesh..
I guarantee they will have heard it
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