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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

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I´m after spending a lovely 4 days with my bf and I couldn´t miss him more already. It´s only 26 days until I see him again since Im gonna be aupairing in his city for the summer, but it won´t be the same - we won´t get to sleep together that often and that must be what I love the most about our trips, im really going to miss waking up beside him. I know I cant complain considering that some of you have to wait up to 90 days or so to see your partner, but I cant stop this negative way of thinking, it´s been 2 years in a LDR and theres still another one to go and im just sooo fed up of this situation! I hate having to say goodbye; I´m not sure how does it work for you guys, but for me the longer you´re in a LDR, the harder it becomes to say goodbye rather than the other way round. As we keep seeing each other we feel more comfortable and relax together, and the feelings keep growing, and it just gets to a point where knowing that there will be constant goodbyes for one more year make me feel helpless and frustrated :frown:.
Reply 8061
Avatar for kat91s
kat91s
11
Original post by Anonymous

Lucky you not living with your parents :p:

If you didn't tell you parents you were meeting these guys, who in particular did you tell? Just out of curiosity.


I told my sister, she's pretty trustworthy and in the worst case, she'd be able to let my parents know where I am.

Original post by Pies
Aww bless the waiter! And you for being upset :hugs: That would be worrying if someone looked that upset over the food :tongue: I usually have a bit of a cry the day before too, especially when we're about to go to sleep and I remember that it's the last night. Sometime's I'd rather have a quick 'see ya' type goodbye then run away instead of emotional goodbyes. It's the thought that I'll look like a complete weirdo if I'm walking about the departure lounge crying that makes me compose myself and feel better :tongue:


I remember when I went to Japan, all I could do was give him a hug and walk away because I couldn't drag it out. Then he stayed there with my family waving at me from the other side of the barrier, which made it worse!!! I ended up crying in Starbucks and emailing him before I'd even left Heathrow, to tell him I felt terrible I hadn't given him a longer goodbye. :colondollar:
Reply 8062
Avatar for kat91s
kat91s
11
Original post by Colpejafort
I´m after spending a lovely 4 days with my bf and I couldn´t miss him more already. It´s only 26 days until I see him again since Im gonna be aupairing in his city for the summer, but it won´t be the same - we won´t get to sleep together that often and that must be what I love the most about our trips, im really going to miss waking up beside him. I know I cant complain considering that some of you have to wait up to 90 days or so to see your partner, but I cant stop this negative way of thinking, it´s been 2 years in a LDR and theres still another one to go and im just sooo fed up of this situation! I hate having to say goodbye; I´m not sure how does it work for you guys, but for me the longer you´re in a LDR, the harder it becomes to say goodbye rather than the other way round. As we keep seeing each other we feel more comfortable and relax together, and the feelings keep growing, and it just gets to a point where knowing that there will be constant goodbyes for one more year make me feel helpless and frustrated :frown:.


:hugs: You must be so strong getting through 2 years! Don't give up now! I know how it feels, I am in the middle of a 150 day interval apart at the moment, and it feels like it will never end. I'm feeling tired and fed up and down at the thought of how long we have left to go. Then next year we will be closer, but still LDR...

You just have to stay positive, and don't allow yourself to think about it too much. It's difficult, but even when you feel like ****, you just have to get on with it. Keep looking forward to your time together. Even if you don't get to spend every night with your boyfriend when you see him, it will still be really nice for both of you. :smile:

Sometimes I find it's easier to keep my spirits up after a nice long chat on skype, or spending time with friends, or going away for a weekend... basically, the more fun I'm having the less I worry about my LDR. Try and plan nice things for yourself in between seeing your boyfriend and you will have other things to look forward to than just being with him.

Stay strong!
Original post by kat91s


Sometimes I find it's easier to keep my spirits up after a nice long chat on skype, or spending time with friends, or going away for a weekend... basically, the more fun I'm having the less I worry about my LDR. Try and plan nice things for yourself in between seeing your boyfriend and you will have other things to look forward to than just being with him.

Stay strong!


This is completely and utterly true!! Fill your days with stuff for YOU and I promise it'll fly by! Look at how quickly the last two years have gone :smile:

In that vein, about fortyish days left :smile: that's less than six weeks now!!:smile:


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Original post by Pies
Hey everyone, hope you're all holding up well!

Just wondering how you all cope with the goodbyes, It'd be nice to know that I'm not the only one who cries every single time, then have to go off on my own either in a queue at the airport with lots of people looking at me feeling sorry for me/making me feel a bit pathetic or onto a packed train. Last time my bf came to visit me I had to say goodbye to him at the train station then rush straight to a lecture and I just wanted to go and sulk with a massive bar of chocolate! (Ok I hid in a toilet at the station to compose myself first) Although the last time I left him I managed to bag a first class seat on the TGV meaning I had a big single chair to myself to sniff and sulk in peace :P

When I watch love actually the bit at the end at the airport always sets me off :redface:


Last time i left i burst into tears when i got on the bus cried twice on the way to dublin and then again on the plane. And im a bloke

Speaking to my grandmother the other day. shes really unhappy and feeling very lonely, plus her health is deteriorating and my mother frankly doesnt seem to give a damn - sorry im very bitter to my mom in regards to that. Nan knows im moving over but she wants me over as soon as (didnt say it in so many words)

Now im thinking about this. It can be done. Ive sold most of my stuff so my moneys made and its quite a nice sum, the flat is 90% signed over to my house mate so those the two biggest things out of the way. Ok i havent passed my driving test (theory on saturday) but i can do that when im over there if i have to (you can drive on a UK liscence in Ireland) makes finding a job a bit more problomatic as im restricted to places within the town itself. But i have the money to tide me over for a good while anyway. Ill admit im biased in this as i really want to just get gone now. The biggest dificulty is lack of wheels (solved when im over there as i can invest all my time into passing) and getting myself and my stuff over there. If i cant ask a friend to do it (and frankly i wouldnt like asking for that massive a favour) then its a flight with as much as i can get on a plane and then drive over for the rest of it when its more convienient.

Hmmm just dunno - its a bit more rushed than i was expecting but i can do it - just need to change some things slightly
ok been talking to two friends about this and they both say do it. More for my grans sake (she raised me) than anything else.

think i may just bite the bullet and do it. I want to (and lets face it thats an important factor), my gf wants me to, my gran wants me to, my mother wants me to (as it means i get the slack from my gran)
Reply 8066
Avatar for echeee
echeee
2
Original post by Colpejafort
I´m after spending a lovely 4 days with my bf and I couldn´t miss him more already. It´s only 26 days until I see him again since Im gonna be aupairing in his city for the summer, but it won´t be the same - we won´t get to sleep together that often and that must be what I love the most about our trips, im really going to miss waking up beside him. I know I cant complain considering that some of you have to wait up to 90 days or so to see your partner, but I cant stop this negative way of thinking, it´s been 2 years in a LDR and theres still another one to go and im just sooo fed up of this situation! I hate having to say goodbye; I´m not sure how does it work for you guys, but for me the longer you´re in a LDR, the harder it becomes to say goodbye rather than the other way round. As we keep seeing each other we feel more comfortable and relax together, and the feelings keep growing, and it just gets to a point where knowing that there will be constant goodbyes for one more year make me feel helpless and frustrated :frown:.


I know that extra year seems daunting, but you'll be suprised in how quickly it goes.
Also I fully understand what you mean about how it gets harder instead of easier.
I've been in my LDR for just over 4 years now, and you'd think that we'd get used to parting, but it just gets even worse as we become closer.
However, I will say that when I'm back home, things aren't that hard. Yes, I miss going out on dates or just watching tv or waking up next to him, but at the same time we still text or talk pretty much all day everyday, so we still have that closeness. :redface:

I know you feel frustrated but just think that you've done it for 2 years, you've only got one left, you're over halfway! :biggrin:
Reply 8067
Avatar for echeee
echeee
2
Original post by Anonymous
I post here a lot usually but i'd die if he saw this...

Have any of you guys ever thought about ending your LDR's? If so, why didn't you? How did you know it wasn't a mistake (if you did end it)?

Mine isn't going well and i just don't know what to do...
Anything anybody has to say on the matter would really help.


Yes, I have, but not because of the distance, it's because we've had issues in our own way that at the time seemed unsolveable.
We have both ended our LDR at somepoint within the 4 years, and the longest we've been broken up is about 3-5 months and that was his doing and it was the worst thing in the world to me.
However, we both realised ending it was a mistake, we missed the silly and cute things we used to say to each other, the phonecalls, the texts, how we wouldn't see eachother again (because there would be no reason for me to be there and vise versa).

It all depends on if it's the actual distance that's up setting you, or if it's just him making you unhappy.
If the former, i'd say it's always hard but you can pull through, if the former then you should always put your happiness before guilt.

Ending a LDR is like ending any relationship, only the aftermath is easier for the one who is doing the leaving as they can just cut ties and never see them again (in this case you?).
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I post here a lot usually but i'd die if he saw this...

Have any of you guys ever thought about ending your LDR's? If so, why didn't you? How did you know it wasn't a mistake (if you did end it)?

Mine isn't going well and i just don't know what to do...
Anything anybody has to say on the matter would really help.


Firstly :hugs:

I was LDR with my ex as well actually, and I just got to the point where I was happier on my own than when he visited. I stopped wanting any kind of physical relationship. I think to be honest it was over at least a month before I realised it! We were constantly arguing, he would have a go at me for spending time with my friends when he was visiting. I had one of my best friends there for my birthday and he couldn't have been more miserable about it like all my attention should have been devoted to him. I travelled 60 miles just to see his sick grandma with him and all he did was shout at me for it. Just lots of little things that built up, and I started not looking forward to his visits, he started lying to me to get his way I could go on and on, but the bottom line is, if you're not happy, you need to assess whether its the distance or the relationship. Are you happy when he's around? In my case I definitely wasn't. Lots of :hugs: for you :hugs:
Original post by echeee
I know that extra year seems daunting, but you'll be suprised in how quickly it goes.
Also I fully understand what you mean about how it gets harder instead of easier.
I've been in my LDR for just over 4 years now, and you'd think that we'd get used to parting, but it just gets even worse as we become closer.
However, I will say that when I'm back home, things aren't that hard. Yes, I miss going out on dates or just watching tv or waking up next to him, but at the same time we still text or talk pretty much all day everyday, so we still have that closeness. :redface:

I know you feel frustrated but just think that you've done it for 2 years, you've only got one left, you're over halfway! :biggrin:


That´s true, during the first few months it was really hard to be back home and having to see each other online rather than in person; after 2 years i guess that just becomes "normal" and being separate for a certain time gets easier in a sense. There´s obviously some days when you really miss your other half, but overall you summarized it well, farewells become harder and the wait itself gets kinda easier.

4 years sounds like a really long time! when will your relationship stop being long-distance?

Thanks for the encouraging message btw, it´s just that a few things are going on at the moment, and he´s being really supportive and understanding and that makes me feel even closer to him and makes me miss him even more than normal :redface:
Original post by Jellybean91
Firstly :hugs:

I was LDR with my ex as well actually, and I just got to the point where I was happier on my own than when he visited. I stopped wanting any kind of physical relationship. I think to be honest it was over at least a month before I realised it! We were constantly arguing, he would have a go at me for spending time with my friends when he was visiting. I had one of my best friends there for my birthday and he couldn't have been more miserable about it like all my attention should have been devoted to him. I travelled 60 miles just to see his sick grandma with him and all he did was shout at me for it. Just lots of little things that built up, and I started not looking forward to his visits, he started lying to me to get his way I could go on and on, but the bottom line is, if you're not happy, you need to assess whether its the distance or the relationship. Are you happy when he's around? In my case I definitely wasn't. Lots of :hugs: for you :hugs:


Well i don't know. I'm happy when I'm with him, i think.

But we don't really talk unless we're in person. He kind of ignores me. I start every conversation, or we don't talk. We talk a couple of words to each other every three-seven days i guess. But only ever on Facebook. :/

I'm just miserable.

Plus i don't feel he cares about me. Like genuinely, not fussed about anything going on with me... middle of last month one of my exes got really drunk, tricked me into being alone with him, started touching me and wouldn't quit it. He's stronger than me and i could do anything. went on for about an hour until i saw an opportunity to run away :s-smilie: It was one of the worst hours of my life. he scared me..... My bf didn't have much to say.

I just don't know if a couple of good days every 6-8 weeks is worth it. Plus, i always do the travelling. it's rubbish. :L

But then there's that when I'm with him in person, we're great.
Reply 8071
Avatar for echeee
echeee
2
Original post by Colpejafort
That´s true, during the first few months it was really hard to be back home and having to see each other online rather than in person; after 2 years i guess that just becomes "normal" and being separate for a certain time gets easier in a sense. There´s obviously some days when you really miss your other half, but overall you summarized it well, farewells become harder and the wait itself gets kinda easier.

4 years sounds like a really long time! when will your relationship stop being long-distance?

Thanks for the encouraging message btw, it´s just that a few things are going on at the moment, and he´s being really supportive and understanding and that makes me feel even closer to him and makes me miss him even more than normal :redface:


It is haha. Thankfuly it will end in September when I move to England so I can't wait for that. :biggrin:

It's okay. I know it can seem daunting. In September the thought of waiting a whole year to be with him seemed like forever away, but suddenly May is here and it's not so bad.
Time will come around quicker than you know it, maybe if you plan some things to do in the mean time, like quick vistits etc. it will reduce the huge wait inbetween now and then? :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Well i don't know. I'm happy when I'm with him, i think.

But we don't really talk unless we're in person. He kind of ignores me. I start every conversation, or we don't talk. We talk a couple of words to each other every three-seven days i guess. But only ever on Facebook. :/

I'm just miserable.

Plus i don't feel he cares about me. Like genuinely, not fussed about anything going on with me... middle of last month one of my exes got really drunk, tricked me into being alone with him, started touching me and wouldn't quit it. He's stronger than me and i could do anything. went on for about an hour until i saw an opportunity to run away :s-smilie: It was one of the worst hours of my life. he scared me..... My bf didn't have much to say.

I just don't know if a couple of good days every 6-8 weeks is worth it. Plus, i always do the travelling. it's rubbish. :L

But then there's that when I'm with him in person, we're great.


Oh my god :shock: firstly, never go anywhere near your ex ever again, and if you feel its worth it, call the police!! What he did to you is horrible and inexcusable!!!!

Oh wow! I once had a boyfriend who would barely text me ever and it drove me up the wall! (back before facebook really boomed) but it made me feel really crappy! you're right when you say a couple of days every 6-8 weeks isnt worth it if youre miserable all the time. I think you need to talk to him and maybe insist on a decent conversation every single day. Tell him how you're feeling, and then the ball is in his court. Hes going to have to realise hes not giving you what you need and then do something about it! You deserve a boyfriend who makes you feel like he wants to talk to you! I know some boys can be bad with texting and dont like it or whatever, but he needs to buck up his ideas or hes going to lose you! Massive :hugs: for you! Sounds like you're going through a lot :console:
Original post by Jellybean91
Oh my god :shock: firstly, never go anywhere near your ex ever again, and if you feel its worth it, call the police!! What he did to you is horrible and inexcusable!!!!

Oh wow! I once had a boyfriend who would barely text me ever and it drove me up the wall! (back before facebook really boomed) but it made me feel really crappy! you're right when you say a couple of days every 6-8 weeks isnt worth it if youre miserable all the time. I think you need to talk to him and maybe insist on a decent conversation every single day. Tell him how you're feeling, and then the ball is in his court. Hes going to have to realise hes not giving you what you need and then do something about it! You deserve a boyfriend who makes you feel like he wants to talk to you! I know some boys can be bad with texting and dont like it or whatever, but he needs to buck up his ideas or hes going to lose you! Massive :hugs: for you! Sounds like you're going through a lot :console:


Ach, he didn't mean it, i forgave him & moved on. But i'm no longer associating with him. Plus it didn't go as far as it could have and i am so thankful for that. :L

Well he's on a student budget and is normally extremely low on credit so face book's fine except he's all nocturnal now because classes are over (and he hasn't come home, grrrrr!).

I tried that. I got this amazing answer "I'm sorry, thats just the way i am"

.....GRRRRR.

Ps, thank you for answering me. Even talking about it to somebody who really understands helps so much, i feel so much calmer. Plus, i got to spend all day in the sun today- happier bunny :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Ach, he didn't mean it, i forgave him & moved on. But i'm no longer associating with him. Plus it didn't go as far as it could have and i am so thankful for that. :L


What he did was abuse. He wants you to think he didn't mean it and just to forgive him, but he sexually assaulted and abused you. But I think he did mean it otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

(sorry, that's just my opinion. I'm glad you've moved on and not associating with him any more though.. keep yourself safe :smile:)
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Sazzy890
What he did was abuse. He wants you to think he didn't mean it and just to forgive him, but he sexually assaulted and abused you. But I think he did mean it otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

(sorry, that's just my opinion. I'm glad you've moved on and not associating with him any more though.. keep yourself safe :smile:)


Well he was drunk and when we talked about it, he was in tears. But i'm done with him. I think that to dwell on it would make me miserable, so i told him he is forgiven but that we can't be friends any more. Which was hard, we were best friends, but i can't look at him any more.

He thinks he loves me, so it's a lot more complicated :s-smilie:
Original post by Sazzy890
What he did was abuse. He wants you to think he didn't mean it and just to forgive him, but he sexually assaulted and abused you. But I think he did mean it otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

(sorry, that's just my opinion. I'm glad you've moved on and not associating with him any more though.. keep yourself safe :smile:)


But thanks for, you know, caring :smile: xxxx
Original post by Anonymous
But thanks for, you know, caring :smile: xxxx


Hmmm, I see that it's more complicated than I first thought. Just on the face of it it sounded like he'd somehow managed to worm his way out of what he did.

But anyways, I agree it's best not to dwell on it :smile:
Not going to see my boyfriend for a month because we both have exams. It's going to be hard- I miss him loads already :frown:
I'm always being let down, he keeps promising to see me, and then as soon as it gets near to the time he always changes and says its got to be for shorter periods of time or like he has to work while I'm there. Normally It doesn't get to me much, but this time it's the last time I'm going to see him for months and he's gone and changed it again. I don't really want to carry on like this but I don't wanna stop being with him but this is kind of the final straw if he changes our months in advance plans to see each other for the last time for a while, it kind of tempts me just to go **** it I don't wanna put up with this :/

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