Boyfriend snaps at me a lot
I'm having a bit of trouble with my boyfriend. We live together and have been together for about three years now. Lately he's been getting really bad tempered, he wakes up obviously grouchy but if I ask him what's up he says nothing is. Then five minutes later he'll snarl at me for doing nothing (I'm posting this thread because this morning he was eating a bit of toast and I offered him another bit and he snapped at me). I don't want to bitch much because that would give the wrong impression; I know he loves me very much and he feels genuinely sorry after he's been that way. I love him too and we're usually happy together, but this seems to be a bad patch. It does scare me when he's angry because he digs his nails really hard into his palms and gets an awful I-wish-I-could-kill-you look on his face, not to be childish but it does sort of frighten me.
He's always had problems controlling his temper but lately it seems to be happening all the time, he used to snap at me about once a week, now it's several times a day. We had another phase like this about a year ago but things got better after we moved, now here we are again.
I have wondered if he's depressed because he seems really low in between being angry. Maybe he's bored, he's a student and it's the summer holidays, I don't know. I've talked to him about it but he always ends up accusing me of harassing him and biting my head off, we never seem to get anywhere.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. If TSR was a magical wish-fulfilment forum then I'd want a) to know what's wrong with my boyfriend and b) how to fix it. I think it must be my fault but I don't know what to do, please help if you can because this is really getting me down. Like a lot of people I've had problems with fairly serious depression before (it's been over and done for years and years, back before I met him) but this is making a lot of bad feelings come back...
Please help, if anyone can. I'm sure this sounds like a really trivial problem compared to many of those posted in H&R but I would really like some help nevertheless. Thank you.
He's always had problems controlling his temper but lately it seems to be happening all the time, he used to snap at me about once a week, now it's several times a day. We had another phase like this about a year ago but things got better after we moved, now here we are again.
I have wondered if he's depressed because he seems really low in between being angry. Maybe he's bored, he's a student and it's the summer holidays, I don't know. I've talked to him about it but he always ends up accusing me of harassing him and biting my head off, we never seem to get anywhere.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. If TSR was a magical wish-fulfilment forum then I'd want a) to know what's wrong with my boyfriend and b) how to fix it. I think it must be my fault but I don't know what to do, please help if you can because this is really getting me down. Like a lot of people I've had problems with fairly serious depression before (it's been over and done for years and years, back before I met him) but this is making a lot of bad feelings come back...
Please help, if anyone can. I'm sure this sounds like a really trivial problem compared to many of those posted in H&R but I would really like some help nevertheless. Thank you.
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I am posting as anon b/c im a freq. poster here. please keep it that way.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
Anonymous
I am posting as anon b/c im a freq. poster here. please keep it that way.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
I think this is spot on. He might not know whyhe is doing, but it seems like perhaps the relationship is breaking down and, instead of facing up to hit he is just being as nasty to you as possible, perhaps trying to "pave the way" for a break up.
Obviously, for your sake, I hope this isn't the case but it does seems that way
Speak to him - ask him outright if he still wants to be in the relationship. Sometimes you need an opener like that. If he does want to break up, it's best you find out sooner rather thna later.
Thank you for the above advice. I am sure that my boyfriend really wants to stay with me and he is generally happy, he just keeps losing his temper for about two minutes a time about minor things.
We have had a patch like this before and things improved to better than ever afterwards for many months, which is why I hope that this will got he same way.
We have had a patch like this before and things improved to better than ever afterwards for many months, which is why I hope that this will got he same way.
Anonymous
Thank you for the above advice. I am sure that my boyfriend really wants to stay with me and he is generally happy, he just keeps losing his temper for about two minutes a time about minor things.
We have had a patch like this before and things improved to better than ever afterwards for many months, which is why I hope that this will got he same way.
We have had a patch like this before and things improved to better than ever afterwards for many months, which is why I hope that this will got he same way.
And every rough patch is worse than the one before, and the get closer and closer to each other?
I'm happy to say not 
We had one bad patch about a month before moving when he also had a lot of coursework on, so I put that down to stress at the time. Then everything was fine for several months, and now he's doing nothing but stay in the house he's getting snappy again - however, this time it's nowhere near as bad as last time and doesn't appear to be worsening.
We had one bad patch about a month before moving when he also had a lot of coursework on, so I put that down to stress at the time. Then everything was fine for several months, and now he's doing nothing but stay in the house he's getting snappy again - however, this time it's nowhere near as bad as last time and doesn't appear to be worsening.The above was to Anon 2.
M4n0ran - I'm ashamed to admit it took me a minute to get that!
M4n0ran - I'm ashamed to admit it took me a minute to get that!
Having as many female friends as male friends has let me make some observations over the years, so let me say this- don't panic. When my female friends have problems, they tend to come and tell me everything and talk about it and ask me just to listen and let them get everything out. Male friends don't. I don't know if it's a weird macho pride thing or what, but blokes aren't good at sharing feelings and opening up when there's something on their mind, and quite often the people closest to them are the ones they are least likely to open up to. Often a stranger is better, because they are impartial and unlikely to judge.
Basically, if there's something bothering him there's a chance that prying will only annoy him more. Give him his independance for a bit and see what happens. Say to him that he seems down and that if there's anything you can do for him, he only need ask, and make sure he knows you're there for him and you're not angry, and leave it at that.
It sucks but I'm afraid all you can do right now is be patient with him, and be there when he comes back. Give him some time and some space to sort himself out, and then when he comes out of this rough patch he'll be extremely grateful to you for being understanding.
Just my theory
Basically, if there's something bothering him there's a chance that prying will only annoy him more. Give him his independance for a bit and see what happens. Say to him that he seems down and that if there's anything you can do for him, he only need ask, and make sure he knows you're there for him and you're not angry, and leave it at that.
It sucks but I'm afraid all you can do right now is be patient with him, and be there when he comes back. Give him some time and some space to sort himself out, and then when he comes out of this rough patch he'll be extremely grateful to you for being understanding.
Just my theory
m4n0ran
Hehe ^^ sorry I can't really be of help -.- If I was in your situation I'd tell him to control his temper or it's kaput between you and him.
Don't throw it away so flippantly, definately best to ride this one out and talk to him when he's in a better frame of mind.
Anonymous
I'm having a bit of trouble with my boyfriend. We live together and have been together for about three years now. Lately he's been getting really bad tempered, he wakes up obviously grouchy but if I ask him what's up he says nothing is. Then five minutes later he'll snarl at me for doing nothing (I'm posting this thread because this morning he was eating a bit of toast and I offered him another bit and he snapped at me). I don't want to bitch much because that would give the wrong impression; I know he loves me very much and he feels genuinely sorry after he's been that way. I love him too and we're usually happy together, but this seems to be a bad patch. It does scare me when he's angry because he digs his nails really hard into his palms and gets an awful I-wish-I-could-kill-you look on his face, not to be childish but it does sort of frighten me.
He's always had problems controlling his temper but lately it seems to be happening all the time, he used to snap at me about once a week, now it's several times a day. We had another phase like this about a year ago but things got better after we moved, now here we are again.
I have wondered if he's depressed because he seems really low in between being angry. Maybe he's bored, he's a student and it's the summer holidays, I don't know. I've talked to him about it but he always ends up accusing me of harassing him and biting my head off, we never seem to get anywhere.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. If TSR was a magical wish-fulfilment forum then I'd want a) to know what's wrong with my boyfriend and b) how to fix it. I think it must be my fault but I don't know what to do, please help if you can because this is really getting me down. Like a lot of people I've had problems with fairly serious depression before (it's been over and done for years and years, back before I met him) but this is making a lot of bad feelings come back...
Please help, if anyone can. I'm sure this sounds like a really trivial problem compared to many of those posted in H&R but I would really like some help nevertheless. Thank you.
He's always had problems controlling his temper but lately it seems to be happening all the time, he used to snap at me about once a week, now it's several times a day. We had another phase like this about a year ago but things got better after we moved, now here we are again.
I have wondered if he's depressed because he seems really low in between being angry. Maybe he's bored, he's a student and it's the summer holidays, I don't know. I've talked to him about it but he always ends up accusing me of harassing him and biting my head off, we never seem to get anywhere.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. If TSR was a magical wish-fulfilment forum then I'd want a) to know what's wrong with my boyfriend and b) how to fix it. I think it must be my fault but I don't know what to do, please help if you can because this is really getting me down. Like a lot of people I've had problems with fairly serious depression before (it's been over and done for years and years, back before I met him) but this is making a lot of bad feelings come back...
Please help, if anyone can. I'm sure this sounds like a really trivial problem compared to many of those posted in H&R but I would really like some help nevertheless. Thank you.
My boyfriend has crazy rages...it's linked to his depression I think. When he's stressed out they get much worse and frequent. When I saw crazy rage I don't mean violent...but it looks like he's about to explode, like you say he clenches his fists and might kick the wall and he has to walk off and be by himself to calm down. If i try and reason/calm him down he'll snap at me, he just is best off alone.
Is there anything stressing him out, money or work or family? It's hard to suggest what to do - my boyf ended up on anti-d's after getting really really low but i know he wouldn't have gone to the doctor before that point.
ETA just read that he's just in the house. I hazard he is bored and fed up and lonely. Def talk to him in a good moment, as he will be more rational, and maybe suggest he starts doing thigns to keep him busy - gym, football, anything!
m4n0ran
Hehe ^^ sorry I can't really be of help -.- If I was in your situation I'd tell him to control his temper or it's kaput between you and him.
Thanks anyway for the giggle
I would give him an ultimatum but I love him very much and would much rather work through this (apparently trying to make this problem sound non-trivial I've made it sound a lot worse than it is
).Chiko, thank you very much for your advice, it's the route I will probably end up following.
Hope everything turns out okay
Easy solution. Show him the consequences of his outbursts. It'll show you if he still wants to be in a relationship with you if he actually makes an effort to calm you down, also, he'll break up with you if that's what's coming. Not really a mature solution, but I think it'd be effective.
The other way would be to try the 'relaxing evening' thing, and then talk about it calmly. Slip it in the conversation somehow, 'What's been bothering you lately', or something to that effect.
The other way would be to try the 'relaxing evening' thing, and then talk about it calmly. Slip it in the conversation somehow, 'What's been bothering you lately', or something to that effect.
hey, i've been through this sort of thing with my ex's.
basically you are annoying him, even over little things like asking him to take another piece of toast. maybe he is stressed and doesnt like to be asked questions all the time?
its a rough patch, i suggest talking to him about why hes snapping. when he says 'nothing', i think there is something up but he doesnt want to say.
you both live with each other in the same house nearly 24-7, especially since hes on holiday now. my best advice is to take a break from each other , as in do different things instead of always as a couple.
basically you are annoying him, even over little things like asking him to take another piece of toast. maybe he is stressed and doesnt like to be asked questions all the time?
its a rough patch, i suggest talking to him about why hes snapping. when he says 'nothing', i think there is something up but he doesnt want to say.
you both live with each other in the same house nearly 24-7, especially since hes on holiday now. my best advice is to take a break from each other , as in do different things instead of always as a couple.
I have tried getting angry back, Misogynist, but he always calms down after a few minutes and says that he'll go away until I calm down. Then he comes back ten minutes later and accuses me of not speaking to him, its so infuriating!
Anonymous
I have tried getting angry back, Misogynist, but he always calms down after a few minutes and says that he'll go away until I calm down. Then he comes back ten minutes later and accuses me of not speaking to him, its so infuriating!
Well, When he goes out to calm down and comes back, you actually shouldn't speak to him. When he accuses you of not speaking to him, explain why you don't feel like talking to him and tell him his anger has got out of control and it's bothering you. Demand an explanation.
See what he says to that.
Anonymous
I am posting as anon b/c im a freq. poster here. please keep it that way.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
Me and my ex- GF of two years eventually ran into that when we were living together, I would snap at her for no reason, but she put up with (apparently because she could tell that i loved her....) deep down, and after many arguments about why i was acting like that, we figured out it just wasn't working anymore. it was dying. it wasn't a bad patch, especially, that my reply to her questions (whats wrong hun, whats on your mind, whats bothering you...etc) were always "nothing" and i wasn't BSing her, there really wasn't anything particular on my mind. I'd just snap.
good post
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