For my English writing coursework, my task is to write to the Parent's society a report talking about the 'extra' equipment and activities the school needs (I'm voicing the school in my report.)
And, anyway, who the hell are the Parent's society? My task, also, is to give suggestions how the money can be 'raised'.
So, can some please answer the following:
Clear definition of what the 'Parent's Society' is
Is the tone, 'Can parents tell their children....' right?
Small sample:
"
School requires more refurbished library computers that aren’t loaded with unnecessary programs which results in crashes. We can do this by upgrading to a newer, faster server to allow a faster processing of the programs – the new server may also allow a fast internet connection which is very sought after throughout the school.
Over ½ of the current laptops’ keys are broken or missing and it is evident that pupils are causing the damage. Although we know that it is someone in school, we cannot effectively tell the culprit instantly as there is no efficient way of doing so and the teacher inspecting every laptop before and after the lesson requires demanding deduction and comparison skills. Most laptops, at the moment, need the necessary minimal maintenance of replacing the keys.
In order to prevent further corruption to the school's laptops, we would appreciate if parents would donate £2 to the IT department. Surplus money would be kept in order to buy students new laptops/iMac computers to aid them with their fore-coming productions which involve new, streamline technology. Also, if appropriate, we would like parents to remind their children the consequences of breaking school equipment and that this is not only upholding the technological advancements for themselves, but for other pupils. Any abuse caught will be fined severely.
In order to prevent our network from clogging up with unnecessary files/folders, disk quotas are going to be set this academic year. Students in years 7-9 will be provided with a disk quota of 20mb (the amount of space a student can store), which is just enough for a complete year’s work.
Students in year 10/11 undertaking coursework extensive courses such as Media Studies will have their quota increased to 65mb to compliment the increase in the amount of work. The option ICT group taking the OCR National course will, however, have their quota increase to 100mb.
If your child still finds that the disk space they have been provided with is of insufficient size for any reason, they will able to 'purchase' a higher quota by asking the IT technicians in E1 or by asking to Mr Murden. We must stress that this is completely unnecessary and should thus only be used for genuine reasons.
Another issue which struck me was the dormant use of the library and its resources. Pupils, currently, are not intrigued by the books our library has to offer. After asking a stratified sample by year group from our pupils we have found out that the books were split into two distinctive groups, ‘too complex’ or ‘too easy’. Also, on average, most pupils suggested that the library should provide more ‘Sci-fi/thriller’ genre fiction narratives as opposed to the current ‘science books’, which were described as ‘boring’ by most.
In order to support the use of the library, parents are expected to emphasise the importance of reading to their children. Reading, as you may have heard before, nurtures both reading and writing skills – and this is evident when a child does so in, say, an exam. We hope that you recite this to your child during their development even if they are anguish about it at the moment and unwilling to read. Unfortunately, with that being said, our library’s supply of books is isolated by our own pupils, who evidently question the existence of such facilities!
Our library currently provides ‘serious’ non-fiction books covering issue such as politics and History, as a pre-16 school, these books fail to interact students. In order to give pupils the chance to buy what would interest them, we will be going be opening a book-fair, hosted by Mrs Monaghan (head of Humanities). It will be operated for two days and consoled by willing year 10 set three pupils from Mrs Monaghan’s English class. In order to achieve this, we would be sincere if the Parent’s society would like to donate a sum of £400 to cover the costs of the information posters/date(s) and the books’ hire. Depending on the number of books sold, the remaining amount will be returned and sent back to Puffin(tm). In order to support reading further, we will link this ‘mini-project’ to the ‘reading club’, which students will be introduced to during their book-buying ventures. The reading club, as noted on last year’s report, is in Mrs Gaughan’s room as usual.
Exam resources are still proving a problem this year especially in Mathematics. Although it is a candidate’s own fault to forget the necessary equipment for their examination, there are still some cases were a candidate genuinely forgets their equipment where the school has to provide them to the pupil. Failing to provide the candidate with the correct equipment would not only result in the failure of the pupil to achieve their full potential in a calculator exam – it also mean us, as a school, have to take the burden for the pupil’s failure. These are the equipment we are currently in need of:
• Protractors;
• Compasses;
• scientific calculator.
Our most vital aim, though, is to provide higher level candidates access to scientific calculators during their calculator (Section B) paper. I can imagine our pupils being forgetful especially after distressing revision!
Improvements
Thanks to your support, we have been able to successfully enter and examine candidates on the ECDL level 2 qualification we have suggested to enter pupils to in last year’s report. In the next section I will explain the curricular activities planned next year for candidates.
Curricular activities
Last year’s suggestion of having a ‘Humanities Day’ has been tested and proven successful. However, this year, we have decided that we will introduce “English Language/Literature” appreciative classes after school. These classes are targeted at D grade candidates; in the hope to get them to a C grade in their final examination on the Foundation tier paper next June.
These classes are open during lunch and afterschool, giving pupils the flexibility of choosing their own ‘revision slots’, which we thought of as a good stress releaser. Times and arrangements, however, are still negotiable.
The sessions aim to develop pupils’ reading and written communication. We are hoping that pupils will be able to deduct and appreciate the ways in which a writer conveys language and what effect this has on the reader.
To do this, pupils will require the correct equipment. Our main concern is buying pupils English (Letts) revision guides to aid them. These revision guides will cost £5 each. In order to cover the cost/ensure that books are returned in good condition: pupils will be expected to pay a £5 deposit prior to ordering the books. Please ensure that your child hands in this fee if he/she is part of this extension class. The initial money will be used to order the books.
To make this more interactive (hence, more fun), the material produced during the extension sessions; especially written work implementing any of the three writing triplets can be used for Speaking and Listening assessment. They will have the opportunity to demonstrate their full potential with competence, as performances will be in smaller groups thus to minimise the pressure."
Grading will be nice so far, any early help will be nice - I know this is not structured yet, typed it up in the last hour. Just grade the sample
do you mean like a pta - parent teacher assosc or something? i think it's a group of parents who have meetings, a bit like the governors but without any of that power, and hold christmas fairs etc. to raise money for things (like computers) for the school, and for travel grants for people going on gap years etc...
so just say what you want + how it'll benefit the schoolchildren
Also, isn't that far too long for a letter?! I think you should only ask for a few things and explain them well... including 2 x addresses, formal signature and everything it should be a max. of 2 A4 pages in standard font I think, otherwise it's just not realistic at all.
Right, I've got no idea of the mark scheme or anything but here's what I found in 2minutes:
Originally Posted by Ramadulla
"
School requires more refurbished library computers that aren’t loaded with unnecessary programs which results (grammar) in crashes. We can do this by upgrading to a newer, faster server to allow a faster processing of the programs – the new server may also allow a fast internet connection which is very sought after throughout the school
it sound like you're saying the pta bought rubbish computers the first time round... be persuasive, not rude!
Over ½ of the current laptops’ keys are broken or missing and it is evident that pupils are causing the damage. Although we know that it is someone in school, we cannot effectively tell the culprit instantly as there is no efficient way of doing so and the teacher inspecting every laptop before and after the lesson requires demanding deduction and comparison skills. Most laptops, at the moment, need the necessary minimal maintenance of replacing the keys.
these are the pta members' children! they don't want to be told that their kids go to a school full of criminals... and they want to be encouraged to buy new computers - if you say there are criminals at the school they won't want to waste money on equipment that will just get broken/stolen! Also, the bit about teachers inspecting laptops isn't their problem at all. Instead, work on the last sentence - say the laptops are old, so you need new ones etc.
In order to prevent further corruption to the school's laptops, we would appreciate if parents would donate £2 to the IT department. Surplus money would be kept in order to buy students new laptops/iMac computers to aid them with their fore-coming productions which involve new, streamline technology. Also, if appropriate, we would like parents to remind their children the consequences of breaking school equipment and that this is not only upholding the technological advancements for themselves, but for other pupils. Any abuse caught will be fined severely. you're talking to a group - say you need a lump sum from the organisation (eg £2500 or something), not £2/parent. you're writing to an organisation which acts on behalf of all parents, you're not sending a letter to all parents. And again, the bit about abusive kids being fined is inappropriate - that would go in another letter to all parents or something, not in a persuasive letter to the pta!
In order to prevent our network from clogging up with unnecessary files/folders, disk quotas are going to be set this academic year. Students in years 7-9 will be provided with a disk quota of 20mb (the amount of space a student can store), which is just enough for a complete year’s work.
Students in year 10/11 undertaking coursework extensive courses such as Media Studies will have their quota increased to 65mb to compliment the increase in the amount of work. The option ICT group taking the OCR National course will, however, have their quota increase to 100mb.
this is good, but say why this means you need new computers...
If your child still finds that the disk space they have been provided with is of insufficient size for any reason, they will able to 'purchase' a higher quota by asking the IT technicians in E1 or by asking to Mr Murden. We must stress that this is completely unnecessary and should thus only be used for genuine reasons.
again, this should not be in this letter! this is the kind of information you find in parents' handbooks, not letters to the pta.
Another issue which struck me are you writing from the school, or as 1 person? also a bit colloquialwas the dormant use of the library and its resources. turn this into a positive maybe? eg the library is not being used to its full capacity, so by providing new books we can encourage pupils to use the resources... or something Pupils, currently, are not intrigued by the books our library has to offer. After asking a stratified sample by year group from our pupils we have found out that the books were split into two distinctive groups, ‘too complex’ or ‘too easy’. Also, on average, most pupils suggested that the library should provide more ‘Sci-fi/thriller’ genre fiction narratives as opposed to the current ‘science books’, which were described as ‘boring’ by most. this is really good, now link to why you need the pta to donate books/money
In order to support the use of the library, parents are expected to emphasise the importance of reading to their children. again, i think this is inappropriate for the type of letter
Reading, as you may have heard before, nurtures both reading and writing skills – and this is evident when a child does so in, say, an exam. We hope that you recite this to your child during their development even if they are anguish about it at the moment and unwilling to read. Unfortunately, with that being said, our library’s supply of books is isolated by our own pupils, who evidently question the existence of such facilities!
i think the start is too casual/almost rude? but very good point, link back to why the pta should donate again?
Exam resources are still proving a problem this year especially in Mathematics. Although it is a candidate’s own fault to forget the necessary equipment for their examination, there are still some cases were a candidate genuinely forgets their equipment where the school has to provide them to the pupil. Failing to provide the candidate with the correct equipment would not only result in the failure of the pupil to achieve their full potential in a calculator exam – it also mean us, as a school, have to take the burden for the pupil’s failure. These are the equipment we are currently in need of:
• Protractors;
• Compasses;
• scientific calculator.
Our most vital aim, though, is to provide higher level candidates access to scientific calculators during their calculator (Section B) paper. I can imagine our pupils being forgetful especially after distressing revision!
maybe say you need them for science/maths lessons - i doubt the pta will want to waste its money on helping a few pupils who forget a protractor... if the school don't have 3 or 4 to lend out in exam times then i guess they lack resources for classes, so maybe focus on this? I don't know if it's necessary for you to ask for a 3rd set of things though, maybe start a conclusion here instead? quality not quanitity
Improvements
Thanks to your support, we have been able to successfully enter and examine candidates on the ECDL level 2 qualification we have suggested to enter pupils to in last year’s report. In the next section I will explain the curricular activities planned next year for candidates.
Curricular activities
Last year’s suggestion of having a ‘Humanities Day’ has been tested and proven successful. However, this year, we have decided that we will introduce “English Language/Literature” appreciative classes after school. These classes are targeted at D grade candidates; in the hope to get them to a C grade in their final examination on the Foundation tier paper next June.
These classes are open during lunch and afterschool, giving pupils the flexibility of choosing their own ‘revision slots’, which we thought of as a good stress releaser. Times and arrangements, however, are still negotiable.
The sessions aim to develop pupils’ reading and written communication. We are hoping that pupils will be able to deduct and appreciate the ways in which a writer conveys language and what effect this has on the reader.
this doesn't affect the pta as an organisation, but good writing style anyway!
To do this, pupils will require the correct equipment. Our main concern is buying pupils English (Letts) revision guides to aid them. These revision guides will cost £5 each. In order to cover the cost/ensure that books are returned in good condition: pupils will be expected to pay a £5 deposit prior to ordering the books. Please ensure that your child hands in this fee if he/she is part of this extension class. The initial money will be used to order the books.
again, this would be told to the parents individually... you're writing to an organisation (imagine you're writing to your school's governors, if that helps)
To make this more interactive (hence, more fun), the material produced during the extension sessions; especially written work implementing any of the three writing triplets can be used for Speaking and Listening assessment. They will have the opportunity to demonstrate their full potential with competence, as performances will be in smaller groups thus to minimise the pressure."
Grading will be nice so far, any early help will be nice - I know this is not structured yet, typed it up in the last hour. Just grade the sample
Thanks!
i really like your writing style, and this could be really good but it's overly long... maybe just mention the 1st two points and then link them at the end really well and keep putting in persuasive language?
Right, I've got no idea of the mark scheme or anything but here's what I found in 2minutes:
i really like your writing style, and this could be really good but it's overly long... maybe just mention the 1st two points and then link them at the end really well and keep putting in persuasive language?
Thanks for your time! Yes, i now understand it's to a governor(s). By the way it's writing to inform, comment and review therefore I do not need to persuade them . Anyway, concentrating on my writing style, what grade do you think it will receive?
Oh right - sorry! is it a report then? If it's a report you don't need to say what new stuff you want, you need to say how you've used the money/equipment they gave you last year to good effect, (and hint that they should keep giving you money!)
So i guess a typical paragraph would be:
1. say how you used their donation of 200 computers, and why they've been so helpful
2. say who's used them, and the results - maybe media cw results have increased because of the new software?
3. general thanks/review of how it helps the whole school community - school can now attract talented students/govt funding for media studies?
i don't really know that much about marking (apart from taking the gcses myself last year), but I'd say a middle A at least, because there are hardly any grammar mistakes (and they're easy to fix), your writing generally flows well... i think it'll flow much better now you understand your audience!, and you use a good range of short/long sentences + punctuation etc.
lots of the marks are for communicating the inform comment & review, as well as recognising your audience though, so i'm not really sure how you'd score overall.
The Parent's society is like the PTA, as already mentioned.
You have some good ideas in your work, but I think it's too long, especially seeing as it's only a sample of your work. If I were you I'd stick to 4 improvements which you want to be made and write in detail about them. Although you are not writing to persuade as such, I think you need to try and change your sentence structure to make it slightly more interesting to read, because I got a bit bored after reading the first few paragraphs. Also, try starting with a paragraph which explains the key points of your letter: why you're writing to them, what you're writing about and how the children can benefit (this last point can also be expanded on as you talk about each improvement.)
I wrote a similiar thing in my GCSE English exam in June and I wrote about 6 paragraphs overall. The first was like an introduction, the middle 4 were the 4 main points and the last paragraph summed everything up and I added a "Thank you for taking the time to read this letter", just to be friendly yet formal at the same time. Also, try adding a bit of humour to your work as if humour is included in the correct context this can substantially improve the grade of your work.
Based on the work I've written/seen already I'd give your piece a low A, but as this is only the first draft you have lots of room for improvement and I'm sure you can bring your grade up.
Last edited by piece_by_piece : 01-08-2008 at 12:42.
English discussion, revision and homework help.
Useful Resources:
Parent's society? [GRADE?]
Re: Parent's society? [GRADE?]
.
.
. Anyway, concentrating on my writing style, what grade do you think it will receive?
