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Reply 100
Anonymous
Thank you Lychee, all your posts have been really sensible, you seem to be one of the minority who have understood I am NOT ACCUSING HIM OF RAPE. I used it as an analogy, probably wrongly, but I was attempting to explain what I feel like. And yes, a big part of it is that I didn't speak up, and that I was too scared to, and now I know when I do talk to him he will just take the line that "oh, you should have said something". But right there in the moment it didn't feel like I COULD say anything as I thought he'd just get even angrier.

To answer another question - no, there was no kissing or touching involved, and no speaking. It was very clinical and very rough.


This was exactly my point. Well, before I got sidetracked :biggrin: Sorry, hon, this is what I was trying to say!!
Anonymous
Thank you Lychee, all your posts have been really sensible, you seem to be one of the minority who have understood I am NOT ACCUSING HIM OF RAPE. I used it as an analogy, probably wrongly, but I was attempting to explain what I feel like. And yes, a big part of it is that I didn't speak up, and that I was too scared to, and now I know when I do talk to him he will just take the line that "oh, you should have said something". But right there in the moment it didn't feel like I COULD say anything as I thought he'd just get even angrier.

To answer another question - no, there was no kissing or touching involved, and no speaking. It was very clinical and very rough.
Well, of course your boyfriend will take that line... I doubt he'd like it if you insinuated that he forced you to do something against your will. I'm not saying what he did was right or even justified, but if you didn't speak out, there's not a lot that anyone can do about it.

Pretty much everyone here has suggested that you talk about this with your boyfriend... so why don't you? :wink:
Reply 102
sounds like a strange thing for him to do. but if you didn't say anything then how could he know that you didn't want it?
Reply 103
LaurenFah
He probably just thought you were having makeup sex. He probably should have got the hint when you did nothing, but he couldn't be expected to read your mind.

Just speak to him, say it made you feel uncomfortable etc.

But surely if it was make up sex he would have said something like "I'm so sorry baby" and kissed her before penetrating?
Reply 104
foss
sounds like a strange thing for him to do. but if you didn't say anything then how could he know that you didn't want it?


Consent, from an emotional standpoint if not a legal one, requires an active knowledge that she did want it, not a passive ignorance of the fact that she didn't.
Hylean
To be fair, if you didn't want to have sex with him, it's still rape, even if you didn't try to stop him.


WTF. It was done in total silence so she didn't even make a noise and you want him to know that she didn't want it to be happening? I mean if he's stupid enough to think she'd want to do it after an argument then he definitely needs a clear 'no'. OP, I'm sorry about what happened but you have to confront him and next time say no otherwise this could just be the start. I know it might not be anything how I say it is, but it COULD so talk to him straight away.
Reply 106
Emmska
You idiot, it is never anybody's fault if someone makes them feel violated regardless of their actions.


SHE......DID......NOT......TELL......HIM

Lets try it from another situation.

Person A comes up to me and gives me a Mars bar. Its against my religion to take it, but I take it because I don't want to make person A angry.......its Person As fault right?
Reply 107
Q_M
SHE......DID......NOT......TELL......HIM

Lets try it from another situation.

Person A comes up to me and gives me a Mars bar. Its against my religion to take it, but I take it because I don't want to make person A angry.......its Person As fault right?


I know she didn't tell him but she still has a right to feel violated! Its like if someone came over drank some of your coffee and you said nothing but still felt pissed off. She has the right to feel like crap because he objectified her through rough and clinical sex.
Q_M
If they ahve been going out for this long, she should really be able to tell him to stop.

Personally, I wouldn't have started to have sex with her in this particular situation, but she is at fault.


I know, I agree she should have been able to tell him to stop, and I think she knows she should have told him to stop too, but she let it happen and now she is feeling all freaked out and gross. Anyways the point of my previous post was to explain to Shoks (who was saying the OP should be ashamed of herself for claiming she'd been raped) that she hadn't said she had been raped.
Reply 109
I love how all but one of the people commenting on my original rape comment are male.

News flash: implied consent is no longer an accepted defence in the UK. The legal definition of rape is unwanted penetrative sex. Thus, because she didn't want it, makes it rape, in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, many rape cases have had the victim shocked into silence and not being able to fight back, so don't use that excuse as a reason for it not being rape. She didn't want to have sex with him, he didn't check, by the sounds of it he just went for it without thinking of her needs or wants. She's admitted she doesn't want it and feels dirty for letting him carry on.

To the OP: talk to the guy and tell him how violated you feel.
Hylean
I love how all but one of the people commenting on my original rape comment are male.

News flash: implied consent is no longer an accepted defence in the UK. The legal definition of rape is unwanted penetrative sex. Thus, because she didn't want it, makes it rape, in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, many rape cases have had the victim shocked into silence and not being able to fight back, so don't use that excuse as a reason for it not being rape. She didn't want to have sex with him, he didn't check, by the sounds of it he just went for it without thinking of her needs or wants. She's admitted she doesn't want it and feels dirty for letting him carry on.

To the OP: talk to the guy and tell him how violated you feel.


Does this topic of rape really have to carry on? The OP herself said she doesn't class it as rape, and that's all that matters.
Reply 111
mc_hamster
Does this topic of rape really have to carry on? The OP herself said she doesn't class it as rape, and that's all that matters.


Given the overriding misconceptions in the thread, it'd probably be helpful if it did, albeit in a new topic.
Q_M
SHE......DID......NOT......TELL......HIM

Lets try it from another situation.

Person A comes up to me and gives me a Mars bar. Its against my religion to take it, but I take it because I don't want to make person A angry.......its Person As fault right?


How stupid could you get?

She did not tell him because she was shocked.

your example is flawed, so if you are walking down the street and they automatically think you want to have sex with them and they take your somewhere private and force themselves on you then because you were shocked/too scared to say anything it is your fault, right?

My example might be flawed but so is yours
Reply 113
I think that everyone just needs to calm down.

The OP has said herself that maybe using the term rape was a bit excessive.

Can people please stick to advising the OP on the way that she is feels and what she should do next rather than debating.