Does this sound right?

Yes yet another bobzilla thread!!! Promise this is the last one :smile:

I have got this paragraph down:

Outside academia, I enjoy playing football, and I am also in a tennis club. I also visit the gym regularly which requires a lot of commitment and dedication. Through physical activity I can socialise with my friends as well as relieve stress.

I have got 250 characters to play with (so the paragraph must be around 250). It doesn't sound right. And I am told that it doesn't go with the rest of my personal statment. Any changes i can make to it??? :smile:

Many thanks (and reps) :smile:

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Bobzilla123

oh btw....i don't need to present it in paragraphs do I. Can it just be 1 paragraph?

cheers

Reply 2

Bobzilla123

oh btw....i don't need to present it in paragraphs do I. Can it just be 1 paragraph?

cheers

I am refering to the whole personal statement.

Reply 3

faber niger

I would paragraph it, unless it's only a very short personal statement: it doesn't look that professional otherwise. It's easy to split it off into paragraphs.

Also, what you have written seems good, but the last sentence just needs a bit of tweaking. You said that it is 'through physical activity that you socialise with your friends'. I see what you mean, but it's not entirely true: through physical activity you get fit, socialising with friends is something that the activity allows you to do, however. Therefore, I'd change the last sentence to, perhaps, 'Physical activity allows me both to relieve stress and socialise with my friends, two things that help me to stay energised towards academic study.' You can leave the bit after the comma out if you want. What do you think?

Reply 4

Bobzilla123

jismith1989

I see what you mean. Mmmm....i was told that i don't need paragraphs when applying through ucas. gota check tho..THANKS!!!

Reply 5

Bobzilla123

I maybe wrong but is that a typo? You have said:
Physical activity allows me both to relieve stress and socialise with my friends,

Shouldn't 'both' and 'to' be the other way aroudn?

Reply 6

lotusx

mmm take out the second "also", maybe?
and i think it's:
"Physical activity allows me both to relieve stress and to socialise with my friends."

Reply 7

Good bloke

Bobzilla123

I see what you mean. Mmmm....i was told that i don't need paragraphs when applying through ucas. gota check tho..THANKS!!!

Whoever told you that is an idiot. You should also leave blank lines between your paragraphs - it makes the PS far easier to read and sends important signals about its structure. A large slab of text is very difficult and rather irritating to try and read; you don't want an irritated admissions tutor with tired eyes looking at your PS, do you?

Reply 8

Kerjagga

I do have a question relateted to your paragraph...

I've been told that in my personal statement, I need to write about my EC activities, so that the admissions staff can see that I have a way to de-stress, etc.

Is it better to just state it, like you have, or write something that gives the impression that it does?

Thank you. :]

Reply 9

apatel90

i would say never just state anything always draw into it what you have learnt from it and how it has helped you.
for example: participating in a wide variety of sports such as x,y,z, has not only improved my physical fitness but has also proven to be helpful in reducing stress, something I would like to carry on and continue throughout my university education and career.

Reply 10

michaela_banana

I wouldn't say "outside academia" - academia generally refers to research and research careers and someone reading that statement might see it as a bit odd. I would change it to "outside my studies" or "away from my studies". As far as the paragraphs are concerned, do you not still have a line limit? I had to take all but 1 of my paragraph spaces out because we couldn't exceed 40 lines (or the however many characters). There's no need for "a lot of". Is the tennis club a weekly thing or more regular? Is it any good, have you won any competitions etc. this is potentially more important than the gym. I'd mention maybe teamwork for football and stress relief for tennis (or whatever's true!). "Through physical activity" just doesn't work and there's no need to mention your social life - teamwork would be the more useful word.

In my opinion of course.....

Reply 11

arpeggio

You've used the word "also" twice within the first couple of lines - "I enjoy playing football and being part of a tennis club" might be better. Have you been doing any of these for a long time or reached a particular level? If so put it in. I know I say that to everyone but I do think it shows commitment and that these hobbies aren't just something you've picked up over the last month or two so you have something to write about in your PS :p:

And I agree with michaela about "outside academia" and writing a bit more about the tennis club.

Definitely put in spaces between paragraphs if possible because it makes it a lot easier to read. Have you got anywhere about positions of responsibility/extra-curricular stuff at college? If you wrote about them before leading into your hobbies it might sound more like a natural progression and wouldn't sound out of place.

Reply 12

ThePenguinMafia

Bobzilla123

Yes yet another bobzilla thread!!! Promise this is the last one :smile:

Many thanks (and reps) :smile:

it's a, erm...

it's a list. It shows little to no enthusiasm in the subjects.

Reply 13

Bobzilla123

michaela_banana

OK thanks guys. This is the new paragraph. I decided to combine two paragraphs together because I was running out of lines too.

Outside my studies, I enjoy doing my bit in the community and I do this as a member of the Heartstart Committee and an Emergency Life Support lead instructor where I teach vital skills to people of all ages. Upon discovery of poor funding, I co-organised a fundraiser and collected £180 to help buy resources such as lungs for the CPR dolls. These duties have reinforced my team work, leadership and teaching abilities. I am also a long term member of a local tennis club and play football regularly. This has been useful in reducing stress and I would like to continue with these sports at University.

I think it sounds better now - or its just me being optimistic :biggrin:

Reply 14

talon1579

Pretty good. How about changing the phrase "I am a long term member of a ...." to " I am a committed member of my local tennis club and...".

The phrase "long term" is a little odd.

Reply 15

Bobzilla123

Which one of these sounds better?

A) My love for the life sciences combined with all the skills and experience I have gained over the years has made me dedicated to pursuing a career in medicine.

B) My love for the life sciences combined with all the skills and experience I have gained over the years has made me all the more dedicated to pursuing a career in medicine.

THANKS :smile:

Reply 16

arpeggio

I prefer B. Is this forming part of the conclusion? If I'm honest I feel like it's a bit of a waffly sentence that doesn't say a lot about you. Also "over the years" is unnecessary if you're just 18 or 19 but I can understand if you're applying as a graduate or mature student. It's not a bad sentence at all, but I think there could be room for improvement :yep:

Your new paragraph is a lot better. I don't think it's really worth saying that you enjoy doing your bit in the community - saying "Outside of my studies I am a member of the..." says just the same thing but is more concise. You go on to talk about your duties but you haven't actually said what your duties are. The part about reducing stress isn't bad but it could be viewed in a negative way, as if you get stressed out at the moment - a more positive "maintaining a work-life balance" could work better.

Btw have you posted your PS in the PS helper forum? It's good to get someone to look over the statement as a whole rather than individual sentences.

hmm hmm.....anyone??

arpeggio

I have but becuase I have sent in about 4 drafts already it takes about 4 days before someone has a look at it (due to priority to first drafts). I need to hand it in tomorrow. Any chance you could have a look at it for me? :smile:

Am I just going for a long shot there? lol