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I have no emotion; no interest in anything or anyone.

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Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
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    I'm not going to post this anonymously, though I'm aware a lot of you won't agree with some of the things I have written and likely tell me things such as "cheer up" or "get a job and stop leeching taxpayers money", but I don't see the point in leaving this message behind an anonymous tag. Go easy on the negative reputation.

    I'm sorry if this doesn't read very well. Thoughts are just pouring out through my fingers and i'm noting them down before I forget due to the sheer volume of crap I have on my mind at the moment. I guess I need somewhere to vent; somewhere where I can pretend somebody might actually take a moment to listen.

    It's hard to say where the turning point was in my life that led to the way things are now. I used to have friends, girlfriends, a part time job, I did well in college, I socialised every week and had fun, I was a student paramedic. Life was okay.

    But fast forward to present day. I turn 22 in 3 months to the day. I'm back doing A levels at college because my university course was so stressful. I was for so long unaware of what I wanted to do, and i'm doing terrible at college because thus far I have missed around two consecutive weeks of lessons due to mental health problems, which I will address in another paragraph. I don't have a job. I've been in receipt of income support for a while because of my health, and haven't worked since may, where I was asked to leave my part time job for being drunk at work.

    The mental health problems? I became depressed at the end of summer 2007 after leaving my university course. I overdosed on three separate occasions before being admitted to a psychiatric ward for a little under a week, released on christmas eve. Since then I took roughly three or four more overdoses. It's hard to say when the voices started - auditory hallucinations I believe they were called. I was prescribed anti-psychotic medication for these which I still have to take to this day.

    Recently I attended my first university interview after having applied through UCAS to start Mental Health Nursing in the autumn of 2009. I just received an unconditional offer. I should be happy about this right? I'm not. I feel nothing. In fact that's the way things have been for a long time. I cannot recall the last time I felt anything remotely close to being happy. Perhaps the title of this post was misleading; i'm not devoid of all emotion exactly - I feel on the verge of tears writing this. I'm so utterly depressed with the state of my life at the moment, but I feel I have absolutely no control over anything. I feel empty, numb. I have made some effort to change things. I recently started volunteer work but had to stop attending within two weeks of the training beginning because I found it near impossible to concentrate and focus on.

    Onto my relationships. Or lack thereof. It's been perhaps a year since I've had anything resembling an intimate relationship with a girl, however at the moment I don't really care. My libido is dead, and I can honestly say i'm neutral towards the opposite sex right now. In fact the same applies to every other human being around me. I'm sorry and I don't mean offense by this but I don't care about any of you. You could all be dead tomorrow and I wouldn't feel anything. The same applies to my so called "friends". They're there. They give me some sort of interaction but if they were gone tomorrow, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't miss them. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make a connection with another person? I guess you could pretty much say I have no friends. I talk to people from my class in college, and occasionally on the internet. I never see them otherwise; they get on with their lives, I don't question it. I don't care.

    At the moment my life consists of three things. College, sleep and the internet. If I can make it to college that is; sometimes the crippling anxiety and depression doesn't allow me to make it past getting out of bed or the front door. If i'm not in class, i'm either asleep, or on the internet at stupid hours of the morning when I SHOULD be asleep. I feel that I'm slowly losing the will to carry this on. Some days I don't even feel like eating. I'd estimate I haven't showered in around 5 days, yes I'm aware how disgusting that is, no need to tell me. I don't expect things to change when I go to university. IF I go to university. I used to be able to look optimisticly towards that aspect of my future. Now I don't have that insight. Right now I take it as an accomplishment to make it to the end of each day without learning from my stupidity of failing to take a large enough overdose the previous five or six times, and following through properly.
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    Heya Chris.

    Aww you sound so, so down. I'm sorry if what I type here is futile but I really want to help and for you to know you're not alone on your computer at this time of night. Another insomniac right here! Plus I'm studying (or trying to) for my exam in Jan.

    What university course were you doing and why did you leave? Is that what made you overdose?

    Simple q - what do YOU think it is ultimately that is making you feel so low?
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    What makes you happy AsystoleUK? I remember feeling like you do, in some ways i still do now. I can feel very cold towards everyone and everything, like its all irrelevant. Think about what makes you happy, follow that. Its all life is really about. It sounds like you could do with some professional help in persuit of that happiness.
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    The medication you're on is probably a big part of it. It can make things worse (and better, but yes, worse sometimes).

    From seeing other people experiences, people who I'm close to, with medication, I think it's generally a bad idea, and that talking things through with a therapist are generally better (I also wonder if things such as yoga, and or tah chi, may help).

    But I'm a first year doing philosophy, so, I don't have any real experience (but if you want fake experience...)
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    I think you need to take your time, go according to your pace and nobody elses and just take it easy. Dont pressurize yourself to be like something or do something. You are depressed for a reason, maybe external pressures. But i can not say, only you can. Im not sure if you will find this useful or comforting but personally i think this present society makes us unhappy. People alsways want you to be something, and get something. A degree, a position, a job, money, security. But they comepletely forget about the individual.

    Take your time, do what you have to. Dont go to college if its so stressful that you feel so much fear, anxiety. Dont do anything like that. But try to face yourself and your life, dont escape from it, for its all you have.
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    I have nothing constructive to say, being only a Year 13 who's never had to deal with anything like this.
    So my response will be simple:

    :hug: Don't try to shut yourself off from the world, the answer might be just around the corner. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you'll find a way.
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    Your situation sounds like it has an explanation. If the auditory hallucinations are a correct diagnosis (what exactly did you hear?), then it's likely what you're experiencing is a little more than the typical depressive episode of ~21 year olds.

    The reassuring thing you may take from my understanding of this is it's not really your fault. The brain finishes maturing around 21 years, and if something is to go seriously wrong, that's when it happens. Your case sounds typical. The hallucinations imply you're at risk of schizophrenia or related conditions, which have a stronger inherited component than typical 'depression'. You need good medical treatment, after which you should establish strong social networks which maximise your chances of full recovery.

    I saw some mention of parasuicide/overdoses. You don't want to be doing that to be honest. As I'm sure you know, it achieves nothing and may permanently damage you (no matter how well you plan for it not to). If you want help, go to a psychiatrist. If you wish to die, ask yourself why and whether it can wait till you've tried all constructive solutions. The answer to the latter is almost always yes.
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    Try Jesus Christ.Your life will never be the same again if you give him a try.He loves you and he cares for you.Accept him as your Lord and personal saviour and he will be a friend to you at all times.in sunshine and in rain.in winter and summer.Jesus loves you and he underdands what you are going through because he has been through it as well.
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    (Original post by chevman)
    Try Jesus Christ.Your life will never be the same again if you give him a try.He loves you and he cares for you.Accept him as your Lord and personal saviour and he will be a friend to you at all times.in sunshine and in rain.in winter and summer.Jesus loves you and he underdands what you are going through because he has been through it as well.
    you scare me ********.
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    i have felt like you have and i got some psychotherapy. it helped me so much. it was so hard to go, but i did it.

    go get some help. you deserve it.
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    (Original post by chevman)
    Try Jesus Christ.Your life will never be the same again if you give him a try.He loves you and he cares for you.Accept him as your Lord and personal saviour and he will be a friend to you at all times.in sunshine and in rain.in winter and summer.Jesus loves you and he underdands what you are going through because he has been through it as well.
    Aha, problem solved. Gee, why didn't anyone think of that before?
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    The internet is not somewhere you want to spend to much time. I know from experience that it puts you in a very dull state of mind when you get off it. It can absorb a lot of your time, when your not actually achieving anything by being on it. Therefore your first goal should be to spend less time on the internet.

    This will free up a lot of time, and you have several options on how to use it. My advice would be to find something to be passionate about, a small hobby that doesn't require he assistance of the internet, e.g. cooking, running, if you think hard enough you can probably find something that you want to do. I have found that with education you need to apply yourself. It is probably obvious to you that making the effort to attend college is he easiest way to succeed at it. However if you cant find the will to turn up, then you are only wasting more of your time in college. If this is the case apply yourself to a job/apprenticeship. However from my experience, and probably something that you have already realised, leaving education will be a stress release in the short term, but in the long term you will still have to face similar challenges. It will also help you to balance education with social time. Find the time to meet up with your mates at the pub once a week.

    Maybe this wont help, maybe it will, but it seems pretty clear to me that you have to change the different aspects of you life before things get even worse.

    As for your feelings/lack of them, there is nothing wrong with you, it is depression that can be solved. Perhaps this is the biggest challenge of your life, so it is important that you actively confront it.
    #1

    Ok I'm in much the same boat, mental health problems, dropped out of uni twice etc depression along with psychosis, and sorry to be blunt I don't mean this harshly but it just sounds like typical depression causing most of this. Depression causes most of those symptoms, the lack of sex drive could be the medication but the lack of interest ni friends is probably depression the way I read it. Depression if severe can cause voices so don't let people scare you with the schizophrenia label. Bad concentration, bad sleep, turning to drink, it's all depression.

    Have you tried switching medication? It can make a huge difference along with counselling and CBT. There's also the early intervention team for people experiencing a first episode of psychosis, I found them pretty helpful you could ask your psychiatrist about being referred.

    After dropping out twice I reapplied for uni and felt pretty much exactly the same as you do I didn't look forward to it, I thought I'd made a horrible mistake and wanted to drop out again but now I'm here it's actually not too bad. Sure I'm not enjoying it but I'm taking every day as it comes, like you internet sleep and uni are all that's keeping me here. A degree leads to other things it's a necessary thing if you're bright enough (which you clearly are) the way I see it, you can totally disregard this of course, is that you just get on with it, even if you're not excited about it, that's the depression talking, hopefully before you get to uni, or even once you're there, you'll find some antidepressants/psychotics that work and you'll be feeling more positive, but for now, from someone in very much the same boat I'd recommend just hacking it and trying to get on as best you can.

    Oh and :hugs: Sorry you're feeling so bad.
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    get some exercise
    get a routine
    work towards something i.e running x miles in x minutes
    pure physical exertion can get those happy hormones going, and it helps you forget stuff cause all you can think is "one step closer" as you're pounding the pavement
    don't overthink things
    eat well
    just because you've been diagnosed as depressed does not mean you have to accept it (self fullfulling prophecy etc...)
    you're still you
    try smiling
    watch trashy feel good movies with up beat soundtracks
    and have a shower
    #2

    As has already been suggested, medical treatment is the way to go, although you say you're still on meds, so I would assume that that means you have to go and see someone regularly to have that monitored?

    I can relate to parts of what you've written, although I realise I can't completely understand what you're going through right now. What I will say is that at times like these, taking everything one step at a time can really help. Focussing on getting through the next hour of the day and not thinking too far ahead I have found to be useful. It's not much fun to live that way, I know, but it can tie you over to a time and a place where you feel more safe.

    You have shown a lot of courage to be where you are right now, it damn sure isn't easy to deal with the kinds of feelings that you express in your post. To feel this way and still make it to college, to apply to uni, is a huge achievement in itself. If you keep going, if you keep fighting and if you seek the help you need, things will get better.
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    (Original post by Manuva)
    The internet is not somewhere you want to spend to much time. I know from experience that it puts you in a very dull state of mind when you get off it. It can absorb a lot of your time, when your not actually achieving anything by being on it. Therefore your first goal should be to spend less time on the internet.

    This will free up a lot of time, and you have several options on how to use it. My advice would be to find something to be passionate about, a small hobby that doesn't require he assistance of the internet, e.g. cooking, running, if you think hard enough you can probably find something that you want to do. I have found that with education you need to apply yourself. It is probably obvious to you that making the effort to attend college is he easiest way to succeed at it. However if you cant find the will to turn up, then you are only wasting more of your time in college. If this is the case apply yourself to a job/apprenticeship. However from my experience, and probably something that you have already realised, leaving education will be a stress release in the short term, but in the long term you will still have to face similar challenges. It will also help you to balance education with social time. Find the time to meet up with your mates at the pub once a week.
    I have to agree with this.

    It's easy to get absorbed by the internet, and get into a routine where you come home, eat your dinner at your computer, spend all night doing random things on the internet, then going to bed and repeating it all over again. Breaking this cycle is crucial to your recovery.
    Your body probably isn't in great shape from the damage you've caused it from overdosing. Instead of going on the internet all night, go to the gym for an hour. I know, I know, exercise probably is the last thing you want to do right now, but it actually does help. I found, especially in the summer months between university, that I could get really depressed, groggy, tired, apathetic and just generally miserable in every way simply because I wasn't active. I started running and weight lifting and found that it completely changed my attitude. I felt re-energised, focused, passionate, determined.
    I'm not saying that you should become an absolute fitness freak; far from it! Even a little bit can make a huge difference, and you might find that you even like it.
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    Heartbroken9

    I was training as a student paramedic. When I left this course I became depressed, though i'm not sure the two are linked. I really don't know what is making me feel so low. I have a meeting tuesday with everybody that has been involved in my treatment for the last year, and may get diagnosed then, finally.

    Double Agent

    Nothing really makes me happy at the moment. I'm getting professional help from a counsellor and psychiatrist at the moment but my appointments have become few and far between; I expect I am seen as recovering and not in need of regular contact with my psychiatrist.

    skoolsux67

    Not going to college was one option that crossed my mind, but ultimately that would only push me further back. I don't feel optimistic about university at the moment, or college but I think if I were sat at home without that routine in my life at least, then I would feel a hell of a lot worse.

    Do Chickens Fly

    It was a voice I heard, that basically told me to harm myself and other derogatory things. Schizophrenia is a word i've heard a few times in the past year, though my psychiatrist leaned towards Psychosis.

    Chevman

    Thank you for the reply but I'm an atheist.

    Manuva

    I know the internet is not a very productive way to use my spare time but for a while it's felt like I have nothing else to do with my spare time. I can't find enjoyment in anything i've tried.

    As for college, I have an unconditional offer so I guess I could step down until university and use this time to try and "sort my life out" but I have to undergo occupational health checks at the start of my course and dropping out of college due to a condition i'm supposed to be recovering from may harm my chances for getting a place on the course.

    To anyone I haven't quoted, thank you for your replies too.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok I'm in much the same boat, mental health problems, dropped out of uni twice etc depression along with psychosis, and sorry to be blunt I don't mean this harshly but it just sounds like typical depression causing most of this. Depression causes most of those symptoms, the lack of sex drive could be the medication but the lack of interest ni friends is probably depression the way I read it. Depression if severe can cause voices so don't let people scare you with the schizophrenia label. Bad concentration, bad sleep, turning to drink, it's all depression.

    Have you tried switching medication? It can make a huge difference along with counselling and CBT. There's also the early intervention team for people experiencing a first episode of psychosis, I found them pretty helpful you could ask your psychiatrist about being referred.

    After dropping out twice I reapplied for uni and felt pretty much exactly the same as you do I didn't look forward to it, I thought I'd made a horrible mistake and wanted to drop out again but now I'm here it's actually not too bad. Sure I'm not enjoying it but I'm taking every day as it comes, like you internet sleep and uni are all that's keeping me here. A degree leads to other things it's a necessary thing if you're bright enough (which you clearly are) the way I see it, you can totally disregard this of course, is that you just get on with it, even if you're not excited about it, that's the depression talking, hopefully before you get to uni, or even once you're there, you'll find some antidepressants/psychotics that work and you'll be feeling more positive, but for now, from someone in very much the same boat I'd recommend just hacking it and trying to get on as best you can.

    Oh and :hugs: Sorry you're feeling so bad.
    I'm under the early intervention team at the moment
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    (Original post by chevman)
    Try Jesus Christ.Your life will never be the same again if you give him a try.He loves you and he cares for you.Accept him as your Lord and personal saviour and he will be a friend to you at all times.in sunshine and in rain.in winter and summer.Jesus loves you and he underdands what you are going through because he has been through it as well.
    He sounds like a pervert.
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    wut?
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