Results are out! Find what you need...fast. Get quick advice or join the chat
Hey there Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

English _ Describing a dream world. HELPPPP

Announcements Posted on
    • Thread Starter
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Hey can anyone help me with my dream world description?

    I've got ideas but can't seem to put them in good english format.

    This is what I have come up with so far...


    Door, after door, after door – narrow, wood coloured doors. All stood in neat long rows. Almost blinded by the glow of the knob which glistened as bright as the sun. Each door had displayed on it ‘?’. As my anxiety overcame me, a sudden eager within me emerged to discover what lay behind these doors. For what possibility was there for countless doors to be merged within these four walls.
    I approached the narrow door which was the shortest distance from my reach. I felt a lump in my throat as I slowly turned the metallic knob. The knob made a slight creaking noise as though it had been untouched for centuries.
    I slowly opened the door… what awaited right in front of my eyes was an incredible sight. The sun was shining on me just like a glowing bright yellow round faced star that it should be.
    Straight ahead of me in the far distance, stood mountains: which seemed to look rather small. The mountain was as white as snow; it was as though it had been snowing for years and all the snow had been accumulated on the surface of the mountains. However, this was not the case. It was not even slightly cold. What was the cause of the mountains looking so innocent?
    As I lowered my gaze from the mountains I saw water splashing out from the feet of the mountain. Beautiful spring water. Beside the feet of the mountains were little rocks which glistened due to the water which was thinly battering the face of the rocks. Upon the rocks were autumn leaves.


    Can anyone help me as to how i can take this description further?
    How could i describe the 'perfect scene' ?

    Plzzz Help!
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I had to describe a nightmare world for my GCSE mock, and I worked really hard on it and then got hardly any marks because apparently it was a narrative, not a description. So my advice would be to describe, not narrate! Which seems to be what you are doing, so :top:
    • Thread Starter
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    But am i not describing as well as narrating? :s

    How could i change it in to a descrition rather than a narrative?

    ANy ideas?
    • 4 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Not sure about the dream world one, but for describing somewhere in general there is a great example at http://www.englishbiz.co.uk/extras/describeexample2.htm.
    • Thread Starter
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TheMeister)
    Not sure about the dream world one, but for describing somewhere in general there is a great example at http://www.englishbiz.co.uk/extras/describeexample2.htm.
    the page won't load!!!

    Not fair...I have to do it for tomorrow and i'm clueless
    • 5 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Instead of ? you should just say a question mark. Also, to be picky, you need to correct your punctuation a bit as it makes the sentences a little... odd.
    • 6 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I chose not to do that question last summer for a reason....
    My advice would be not to worry about making it cliched, it seemed to work for my friends!
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    I don't see how you can be clueless. As long as you describe something, who cares? Your dream world could be something really abstract and random (dreams usually are) and it wouldn't matter. If you're writing in first person, be sure that you're describing and not narrating...a good range of vocabulary would help, stick a few semi-colons in there to demonstrate you can use punctuation properly and you're sorted! Good luck!
    • 4 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Ammy16, are you doing a past paper (Nov '08) by any chance? If so, do the letter to the Prime Minister one it is a much better proposition.
    • Thread Starter
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    OK. Fanxs everyone.
    • Thread Starter
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TheMeister)
    Ammy16, are you doing a past paper (Nov '08) by any chance? If so, do the letter to the Prime Minister one it is a much better proposition.

    Nah...we have to do the dream world as part of our coursework.

    Have no choice to be honest

    The choice was between short story o dream world.

    I'm totally rubbish at both..

    I'll try my best though i suppose that's all that really matters and besides english one of my weakest subjects.
    • 6 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TheMeister)
    Ammy16, are you doing a past paper (Nov '08) by any chance? If so, do the letter to the Prime Minister one it is a much better proposition.
    Did June 08 and Nov 08 have the same questions on then?
    Because it was definitely in the summer paper.
    • 5 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    This description doesn't really flow well. Your use of first person perspective isn't that good and the tedious description of doors - I had to force myself to read it.

    I would try to help you but I'm incredibly tired and will probably try tomorrow or next week so keep watching this space <>.
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    the coursework is more likely to be the original writing.
    You dont actually have to do a dream world. My whole class done a description on heroes or something stupid our teacher came up with. You can do any peice of writing i wrote a short story. I Think you would do that better. Speak to your teacher x
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    you guys suck
    • 0 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    jokes try using these descriptive phrases!

    the water sparckled like a heap of precious stones!
    the sky shone like a circle of diamond bight ble and vivd
    i was surrounded by nature and animals and othing can be imagined more beautiful than their colouring!
    URS WAS REALLY GOOD BY DA WAY YOU'LL GT AT LEAST A b OR AN a IN THAT!
    • 5 followers
    Offline

    ReputationRep:
    Probably bad advice, I dunno, but I personally would concentrate more on describing the unusual things. Just because you've done a metaphor, or a simile, or picked a really interesting word or whatever, doesn't necessarily make it good or interesting. Like, we know what doors look like and we know what the sun looks like. Concentrate more on describing the specific quirks in your dream world that we couldn't accurately imagine on our own. And along a similar line, don't feel everything has to be described, it's making your sentences slow and long and clunky. You could "slowly turn the knob" or "turn the metallic knob" but surely having two adjectives is a bit superfluous? Get a good pace going and take your time at the exciting bits!

Reply

Submit reply

Register

Thanks for posting! You just need to create an account in order to submit the post
  1. this can't be left blank
    that username has been taken, please choose another Forgotten your password?
  2. this can't be left blank
    this email is already registered. Forgotten your password?
  3. this can't be left blank

    6 characters or longer with both numbers and letters is safer

  4. this can't be left empty
    your full birthday is required
  1. By joining you agree to our Ts and Cs, privacy policy and site rules

  2. Slide to join now Processing…

Updated: October 23, 2009
New on TSR

So how did you do?

Come into the GCSE forum to share your grades

Article updates
Reputation gems:
You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.