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Unsure about my relationship :S is it normal to feel like this?

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    #1

    I've just started going out with this guy who is my first real boyfriend. the way we started going out was in a way where i hadn't fully assessed how much i liked him. I knew i did like him, but i didnt really know him well enough to know whether i liked him enough to want to go out with him. Normally i over-analyse everything and im very bad at trusting my instincts so i often go against them, buti didnt get a chance to do this with him really. So now im in the situation where i'm in a relationship that i'm not 100% sure about and so I'm finding myself not fully committing and slightly pulling away. I've never been completely sure about anyone i've liked though, and always manage to find reasons why they aren't completely perfect and let their slight fault get to me too much. I think part of it is that I'm incredibly insecure and so i want to find someone who is completely perfect so that no one could critisise them at all and so would in someway validate me which is of course stupid.

    Another thing is that I've learnt about relationships through friends, and my closest friends who have had boyfriends have all been extrememly long term and serious and they've been completely obsessed with their boyfriends. So i've always assumed that it would be the same for me. Whilst I do really like my bf, i'm not as head over heals for him as i've seen others be for their bfs. I’m not sure whats wrong with me really. I don’t know why I cant let myself fall for this guy. I don’t even feel comfortable about using the term boyfriend, not because of him, but just because the concept feels alien to me and like its not really a right term to describe him. I can’t really explain. Whilst I have all these uncertainties about our relationship there are so many other things which makes me wonder why I am being so uncertain about it. We really get on and he makes me laugh a lot. I enjoy being with him and we have the same sort of humour. My friend’s who he’s met really like him and they keep saying that we’re really good together. I get on really well with his friends as well. I feel really comfortable with him and I know he’s a good guy and someone who i can really trust. He seems to really care about me and keeps telling me this and complements me the whole time.

    Should I let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship progressing? or are these thoughts perfectly natural? can anyone else identify at all?
    Sorry that this is such a long post, I just need to get it off my chest and thanks to all who read and reply
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've just started going out with this guy who is my first real boyfriend.

    Whilst I do really like my bf, i'm not as head over heals for him as i've seen others be for their bfs. I’m not sure whats wrong with me really. I don’t know why I cant let myself fall for this guy. I don’t even feel comfortable about using the term boyfriend, not because of him, but just because the concept feels alien to me and like its not really a right term to describe him. I can’t really explain. Whilst I have all these uncertainties about our relationship there are so many other things which makes me wonder why I am being so uncertain about it. We really get on and he makes me laugh a lot. I enjoy being with him and we have the same sort of humour. My friend’s who he’s met really like him and they keep saying that we’re really good together. I get on really well with his friends as well. I feel really comfortable with him and I know he’s a good guy and someone who i can really trust. He seems to really care about me and keeps telling me this and complements me the whole time.

    Should I let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship progressing? or are these thoughts perfectly natural?
    I think it's sometimes natural to have doubts about a relationship if you haven't been in one for a while, if at all. When i started going out with my current bf, ihadn't gone out with anyone for agggges, and it took a while for it not to feel a bit strange - not with him, because i was always comfortable with him as a person, but with the whole concept of it. I think it comes down to whether you really like him or not. I've found that my relationship has improved through the course of it, rather than getting worse, after starting off being really into someone, so maybe this is the same for you.

    I think the bit i've bold-ed is really important. It sounds like it's more the issue of having a boyfriend that's making you freak out a bit, rather than the guy himself. I'd give it a while, allow yourselves to settle into things and see how it goes from there. It's really hard not to overanalyse, but gives things a chance...you may as well, right? Maybe the "head over heels" thing will follow, but if not, at least you gave it a go.

    I think sometimes the best things grow out of unobvious starts Hope this makes sense and maybe helps a bit! Good luck.
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    How long have you guys been together?
    And if you have these insecurities then maybe its best to just talk to him and let him know how you're feeling?
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by jenifaar)
    I think it's sometimes natural to have doubts about a relationship if you haven't been in one for a while, if at all. When i started going out with my current bf, ihadn't gone out with anyone for agggges, and it took a while for it not to feel a bit strange - not with him, because i was always comfortable with him as a person, but with the whole concept of it. I think it comes down to whether you really like him or not. I've found that my relationship has improved through the course of it, rather than getting worse, after starting off being really into someone, so maybe this is the same for you.

    I think the bit i've bold-ed is really important. It sounds like it's more the issue of having a boyfriend that's making you freak out a bit, rather than the guy himself. I'd give it a while, allow yourselves to settle into things and see how it goes from there. It's really hard not to overanalyse, but gives things a chance...you may as well, right? Maybe the "head over heels" thing will follow, but if not, at least you gave it a go.

    I think sometimes the best things grow out of unobvious starts Hope this makes sense and maybe helps a bit! Good luck.
    Thanks for this it really helped to hear that. something i kind of thought already, but need others to say just as a reassurance. I think it is more me freaking out about having a boyfriend thing because im just not used to it at all. I am liking him more the further the relationship goes so hopefully you're right that it will grow into something really good.
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    Aw don't let your insecurities get in the way. In a way it'd be selfish to do that because you're putting your feelings over his. Give him a chance. The amount you like someone can grow overtime, so whilst you may not be head over heels now, give yourself some time!

    You should let him know your concerns though. It'll make you feel much better and it'll help establish where you both stand in each others lives.

    Good luck, you'll be great!
    #2

    I feel like I am in exactly the same situation, I don't want people to be able to say to me 'Why are you going out with him because of X, Y , Z' and all the complements, I'm just not used to them. I'm sure we'll both get over this as we have probably both locked away our feelings somewhere, we've just got to stop worrying about other peoples thoughts, and unlock our true feelings. Cheesy, I know. Haha.

    anon since bf uses this
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    Don't worry, there are loads of people in this situation. Me for one :P He's lovely and all that, but there's just that unsure thought it the back of my mind all the time...
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    #1

    (Original post by LawmanLayman)
    How long have you guys been together?
    And if you have these insecurities then maybe its best to just talk to him and let him know how you're feeling?
    just under a month? so still early days yet. I dont want to upset him by talking to him about it. I might though if it seems the best thing to do?
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    (Original post by kat2pult)
    Aw don't let your insecurities get in the way. In a way it'd be selfish to do that because you're putting your feelings over his. Give him a chance. The amount you like someone can grow overtime, so whilst you may not be head over heels now, give yourself some time!

    You should let him know your concerns though. It'll make you feel much better and it'll help establish where you both stand in each others lives.

    Good luck, you'll be great!
    Yeah true, I hadnt thought about it like that actually. I will give him a chance because i think he deserves it and i think i'll be glad in the end. i'll try to tell him if i can think of a way to do it without hurting his feelings
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I feel like I am in exactly the same situation, I don't want people to be able to say to me 'Why are you going out with him because of X, Y , Z' and all the complements, I'm just not used to them. I'm sure we'll both get over this as we have probably both locked away our feelings somewhere, we've just got to stop worrying about other peoples thoughts, and unlock our true feelings. Cheesy, I know. Haha.

    anon since bf uses this
    i'm glad i'm not alone in this. yeah, its probably something i just need to get over. i think it is that im thinking about what others might think rather than letting myself see how i feel myself. yeah, i'm sure we will
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah true, I hadnt thought about it like that actually. I will give him a chance because i think he deserves it and i think i'll be glad in the end. i'll try to tell him if i can think of a way to do it without hurting his feelings
    Aww that's great! I wish you every bit of success!
    #3

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've just started going out with this guy who is my first real boyfriend. the way we started going out was in a way where i hadn't fully assessed how much i liked him. I knew i did like him, but i didnt really know him well enough to know whether i liked him enough to want to go out with him. Normally i over-analyse everything and im very bad at trusting my instincts so i often go against them, buti didnt get a chance to do this with him really. So now im in the situation where i'm in a relationship that i'm not 100% sure about and so I'm finding myself not fully committing and slightly pulling away. I've never been completely sure about anyone i've liked though, and always manage to find reasons why they aren't completely perfect and let their slight fault get to me too much. I think part of it is that I'm incredibly insecure and so i want to find someone who is completely perfect so that no one could critisise them at all and so would in someway validate me which is of course stupid.

    Another thing is that I've learnt about relationships through friends, and my closest friends who have had boyfriends have all been extrememly long term and serious and they've been completely obsessed with their boyfriends. So i've always assumed that it would be the same for me. Whilst I do really like my bf, i'm not as head over heals for him as i've seen others be for their bfs. I’m not sure whats wrong with me really. I don’t know why I cant let myself fall for this guy. I don’t even feel comfortable about using the term boyfriend, not because of him, but just because the concept feels alien to me and like its not really a right term to describe him. I can’t really explain. Whilst I have all these uncertainties about our relationship there are so many other things which makes me wonder why I am being so uncertain about it. We really get on and he makes me laugh a lot. I enjoy being with him and we have the same sort of humour. My friend’s who he’s met really like him and they keep saying that we’re really good together. I get on really well with his friends as well. I feel really comfortable with him and I know he’s a good guy and someone who i can really trust. He seems to really care about me and keeps telling me this and complements me the whole time.

    Should I let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship progressing? or are these thoughts perfectly natural? can anyone else identify at all?
    Sorry that this is such a long post, I just need to get it off my chest and thanks to all who read and reply

    Nah I'm like that, especially with the bit about your friends seeming so obsessed but you not being that sure.... like I know that my ex was an amazing guy and boyfriend and lovely but somehow I just didn't seem as crazily in love with him as my friends seemed with their boyfriends... I felt exactly the same as you've written. We split up because I went to uni by the way not because of this... and now we have splitten up I look back and think 'wow he was actually amazing why didn't I appreciate it at the time?'
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Nah I'm like that, especially with the bit about your friends seeming so obsessed but you not being that sure.... like I know that my ex was an amazing guy and boyfriend and lovely but somehow I just didn't seem as crazily in love with him as my friends seemed with their boyfriends... I felt exactly the same as you've written. We split up because I went to uni by the way not because of this... and now we have splitten up I look back and think 'wow he was actually amazing why didn't I appreciate it at the time?'
    Its really reassuring to know im not the only one in this position. maybe some people just dont always feel crazily in love with people they're going out with even though they really do like them. just everyone feels things differently i guess.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've just started going out with this guy who is my first real boyfriend. the way we started going out was in a way where i hadn't fully assessed how much i liked him. I knew i did like him, but i didnt really know him well enough to know whether i liked him enough to want to go out with him. Normally i over-analyse everything and im very bad at trusting my instincts so i often go against them, buti didnt get a chance to do this with him really. So now im in the situation where i'm in a relationship that i'm not 100% sure about and so I'm finding myself not fully committing and slightly pulling away. I've never been completely sure about anyone i've liked though, and always manage to find reasons why they aren't completely perfect and let their slight fault get to me too much. I think part of it is that I'm incredibly insecure and so i want to find someone who is completely perfect so that no one could critisise them at all and so would in someway validate me which is of course stupid.

    Another thing is that I've learnt about relationships through friends, and my closest friends who have had boyfriends have all been extrememly long term and serious and they've been completely obsessed with their boyfriends. So i've always assumed that it would be the same for me. Whilst I do really like my bf, i'm not as head over heals for him as i've seen others be for their bfs. I’m not sure whats wrong with me really. I don’t know why I cant let myself fall for this guy. I don’t even feel comfortable about using the term boyfriend, not because of him, but just because the concept feels alien to me and like its not really a right term to describe him. I can’t really explain. Whilst I have all these uncertainties about our relationship there are so many other things which makes me wonder why I am being so uncertain about it. We really get on and he makes me laugh a lot. I enjoy being with him and we have the same sort of humour. My friend’s who he’s met really like him and they keep saying that we’re really good together. I get on really well with his friends as well. I feel really comfortable with him and I know he’s a good guy and someone who i can really trust. He seems to really care about me and keeps telling me this and complements me the whole time.

    Should I let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship progressing? or are these thoughts perfectly natural? can anyone else identify at all?
    Sorry that this is such a long post, I just need to get it off my chest and thanks to all who read and reply
    I think they can be natural especially in a first relationship. And as much as people might say their partners are, no one's perfect. If you still feel like this in a few weeks then it might be a problem - not with you, but with your boyfriend - with whether you two are right for each other. Sometimes it just lacks that spark. You can get on really well, seem perfect for each other, but if there's just something missing and you can't quite put your finger on it, it'll just be the lack of the spark, especially if you're not head over heels for him like others seem to be (even though they may be putting it on to a certain extent).

    Everyone has them, I had that with my first (and only) girlfriend, it's not a problem with either of you, the chemistry's just not right (to put it in a cliché).

    Hope it's all ok!
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by cadaeibfeceh)
    I think they can be natural especially in a first relationship. And as much as people might say their partners are, no one's perfect. If you still feel like this in a few weeks then it might be a problem - not with you, but with your boyfriend - with whether you two are right for each other. Sometimes it just lacks that spark. You can get on really well, seem perfect for each other, but if there's just something missing and you can't quite put your finger on it, it'll just be the lack of the spark, especially if you're not head over heels for him like others seem to be (even though they may be putting it on to a certain extent).

    Everyone has them, I had that with my first (and only) girlfriend, it's not a problem with either of you, the chemistry's just not right (to put it in a cliché).

    Hope it's all ok!
    Yeah, well when i'm with him everythings great, its just afterwards when i analyse things too much i have my doubts. hes just different to the type of guy i imagined myself dating and also a lot different to the people i come across on the whole (as in different background, views etc.) it makes him more interesting, but also different to who i or others would expect i guess. i hope its ok too, thanks!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, well when i'm with him everythings great, its just afterwards when i analyse things too much i have my doubts. hes just different to the type of guy i imagined myself dating and also a lot different to the people i come across on the whole (as in different background, views etc.) it makes him more interesting, but also different to who i or others would expect i guess. i hope its ok too, thanks!
    Would you rather he was like those others?
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    (Original post by cadaeibfeceh)
    Would you rather he was like those others?
    No, i dont think i would. i've grown up surrounded by people from the same sorts of backgrounds and who have the same values etc. its nice to be with someone who sees the world differently and who has a different type experiences from mine and those who i mostly come across. i really like that about him, its just that it is quite seperate from what im used to which i guess also creates uncertainties as its less simple. dont know whether that makes sense? just something else to get my head around i think.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No, i dont think i would. i've grown up surrounded by people from the same sorts of backgrounds and who have the same values etc. its nice to be with someone who sees the world differently and who has a different type experiences from mine and those who i mostly come across. i really like that about him, its just that it is quite seperate from what im used to which i guess also creates uncertainties as its less simple. dont know whether that makes sense? just something else to get my head around i think.
    Yeah, well if you really do like him then the insecurities should all just disappear or at least become insignificant as you get closer. You should become head over heels for him, it just sometimes takes a while
    #4

    i completely understand where you're coming from and i think it's natural. i've been with my boyfriend for over a year and sometimes my insecurities get the better of me and i start to over-analyse things and question them. as you said, he makes you feel comfortable and you trust him which is really important. give it time and assess how you feel in a month or so? if it's a new relationship then you're getting to know each other and understanding what you both expect from a relationship. the fact that he compliments you and reassures you alot is a good sign too - he wants to make you feel secure and happy.
    #5

    Thanks OP for making this thread, becasue im in a similar relationship, and i just thought ithe was wrong for me becasue i still felt insecure at time, and also he is my first bf. And its is good to know that a lot people feel like this too.

    Nah I'm like that, especially with the bit about your friends seeming so obsessed but you not being that sure.... like I know that my ex was an amazing guy and boyfriend and lovely but somehow I just didn't seem as crazily in love with him as my friends seemed with their boyfriends... I felt exactly the same as you've written.
    Omg exactly same, i am my bf's 4th girl, and he seems like that with me, always texting, always wanting to talk like hes obssesed with me. And i love being with him but im not obssessed like all the other people i know are with thier bfs. But he makes me feel amazing.

    Yeah, well when i'm with him everythings great, its just afterwards when i analyse things too much i have my doubts. hes just different to the type of guy i imagined myself dating and also a lot different to the people i come across on the whole (as in different background, views etc.) it makes him more interesting, but also different to who i or others would expect i guess. i hope its ok too, thanks!
    This is what i do, but i hope after time i wont have any insecurities, becasue he is just great.

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