Sorry this is going to be really long.
For the past 6 years, I've been friends with this girl (ayumi) in school. We got really close during the GCSEs cos we basically had all our lessons together (apart from Maths, and i took Drama not Art). We used to do everything together, and we would finish off each other's sentences, have the same fashion sense, laugh at the stupidest of things. We were so tight we were almost like "twins". But we would sometimes have these fights over trust issues, and as time goes by, the more we fought. She used to always make fun of me behind my back, and even in front of me just to "be with the group". She said that if she stood up for me, people would make fun of her too and she wouldn't be "in the group" anymore. I couldn't understand why she can't just be an individual, and when i said that, she harshly said, "that's why they make fun of you and bitch about you."
The worst thing was during my 15th birthday. i was supposed to meet up with her and some friends. 2 of the girls decided it would be "fun" to play me, so when i called them to ask where they were, they told me to go to various other places in the district for 1/2 an hour when the whole time in Times Square. I was so hurt and basically broke down on the streets, and I bumped into 2 other friends who realised what happened and spent the rest of my birthday with me. I confronted ayumi and she said it wasn't her fault, that it wasn't her idea and she couldn't stop the 2 girls from doing it. I didn't understand why she couldn't have at least call me to tell me the 2 bitches were playing me so I could have known and just left.
in year 12, we started becoming a bit less close, but we still talk and laugh together like friends, but it became harder and harder to trust her, cos a part of me is always scared that she would hurt me again, yet i still care about her and want to believe that things will get better. but it never did. our differences grew. then when i started going out with my ex (my 1st bf), we became really distant, which she does whenever any of her friends have a bf. there were these other 2 girls and me who she distanced herself from cos of our bf's.
but when i found out that he cheated on me, she came to me when i was crying and really upset, and offered to go with me that afternoon for the breakup. she was there sitting by me when i drowned myself in tears after the breakup, and she was the 1st one running to find me after she realised my friend (aileen) in school had died. she was there when i sank into complete depression during that time. but on the day of my friend's funeral (a week later), she didn't go to the funeral with me even though she was the first to "volunteer" to go, simply cos she couldn't be bothered, and cos most people in our year didn't want to go (aileen was in yr 10). i couldn't believe it, but then i was too drained and upset to think about that.
we started talking less and less again...and when i started my new relationship in feb this year, i knew she was making fun of me more and more, and even at my face as though i was stupid enough to not realise that. my close friend, who's good friends w/ ayumi, didn't understand why she was doing that either. she bitched about me on her xanga site (without mentioning my name, but saying stuff that's btw the 2 of us), and i was really mad and i did the same on my xanga (nameless). the next day in school, she was pissed at the whole world, and stormed out of school after the lessons. i was really pissed and hurt, and i was trying so hard not to cry. at the moment, it hit me that it was over. i couldn't bring myself to trust her anymore, and she wasn't going to stop hurting me. since then, we've completely stopped talking to each other as though the other doen't exist.
one of our friends said she feels quite sour that we've got to that point, esp. when we're about to graduate. i feel the same, but i'm just too tired to cope with her when i already have tonnes of family problems. then last night, i had an ironic dream. i dreamt that ayumi was in a plane crash and somehow survived, but had gone completely blind. i felt so bad that i wish i could turn back time and tell her how much i loved her, and finally woke up crying.
yesterday, she posted on her site "i miss you. and i miss who you used to be." i really miss her, but i'm just so scared she would hurt me again. i thought i had made up my mind about our friendship, but deep down i really want to be able to trust her again. i just don't know what to do.