[nicthemighty]

Hey everyone, sorry in advance for the long post, first time on here so I guess better put the whole story down!

I'm in my second year at Uni. Third year is with IBM, but the distance from home is about the same, just not as much holiday as I get with Uni.

Last Monday, my girl of 6 months broke up with me, very out of the blue. We'd vaguely known each other through work, and one day she started texting me, and long story short after a month or so of chatting, I asked her on a date. It was long-distance from the start, but with Uni holidays together at home.

I'd previously been in a very long-term relationship, had become long-distance due to moving to Uni, but had fizzled out because I felt neglected (and it didn't match with my life principles - she wasn't interested in family or anything, just wanted me to spend all my money on her and do what she wanted).

I'd started chatting to my new girl towards the end of the relationship, but didn't make any moves until I was single. I know I moved on quickly, but I'd felt "single" for a long time (and yes, I know I should have broken it off sooner.)

But anyway, the time with my new girl was near perfect, when we were together we had such a great time, and really good intimate moments. However, she has a lot of exs (warning sign I guess I should have seen). She'd previously had concerns about the distance, but we talked through it, and always worked it out.

I guess I'm a hopeless romantic, because I just wanted to believe she meant everything she'd said about loving me, I was perfect for her etc etc. I know she has serious past issues, but I naively thought the better she knew me, the more she'd open up and we'd discuss things.

But basically she's broken up with me because she says the distance is too hard for her, she says she still loves me, and its just the situation. But her reasoning is that her second year at uni will be too difficult for her to maintain a long distance with me, as if I come home at weekends, she'll feel pressured to see me when she should be working on Uni stuff.

She wants to be friends, and since she ended it, we've had two long msn conversations, and a few texts, but since tuesday, basically non-contact. In the MSN conversations, she just confirmed that she feels too stressed, needs to focus on work, knows how she gets, and doesn't want to try and make it work. But she's also ended it with "I want some time", and "Let's see how we cope for a few weeks". So I guess she's not totally sure?

I know that I can move on, and I'm not worried about having to do that, but I'd really like her back in my life. The thing is, I don't want to cut all contact - because won't that make her think I don't care? I also don't want to text all the time, because it'll either push her away, or make it seem like we're still together.

I was thinking of casually calling her tonight just to chat for 10 mins or so, but not anything longer, just to get back in her head again and see how she's doing?

Or is there a better approach?

It's just that it doesn't seem like she wants it to be over, but is doing what she thinks is best, rather than what she wants. Or should I just accept that her issues are too much, and I'm better off moving on?

Sorry again for the essay!

[gman2k8]

Originally Posted by nicthemighty

But she's also ended it with "I want some time", and "Let's see how we cope for a few weeks".

Give her this, she'll contact you when she needs to.

[Davezk]

ex-factor!

Seriously, there will be others. You've broken up for a reason and you've come to the end of the road with her. The best thing you can do is find a new road because that may be one that goes further.

There is no one person who you can be happy with. There'll be others and who's to say you'll be able to win her back anyway. It's never that easy and you might be wasting your time.

Let her come back to you if anything. She made the decision so let her fall on her own sword if she turns emo because of it.

[nicthemighty]

So should I go totally non-contact? Because if I go on MSN and she's on there, she'll start talking to me. But she doesn't text or call me unless I do first?

[jen-bee]

You need to give her some space. Ringing her might invade this space a bit, because she'll feel obligated to talk to you even if she doesn't actually want to. Maybe text her again...?

It seems to me that she's broken up with you because she's fearful what your relationship would do to her overall degree and this is a fair point. Why does she think she will have to go home every weekend and see you if you're there? Is this how it works at the moment?

Over the next few weeks you need to reassure her that it doesn't have to be that way. To make an LDR work, obviously each person needs to put in an effort, but let her know that this needn't encroach on her work or her friends. E.g. when she's writing an essay and needs a break she rings you for a quick chat...?

If she's completely sure about the break-up though then you'll just have to let her do it. Try drawing back from her a little, rather than reminding her you're still there as this will give her a chance to gage how much she misses/ needs you in her life.

Hope it all works out.

[nicthemighty]

She lives with her parents, and goes to Uni at our home town. So at the moment, I'd come home every two or three weekends to see her, and then be home for holidays. However, I don't know if this caused it, but I've been home for 5 weeks to revise for exams, at which point she's been at Uni - so maybe having Uni stress and me being home is making it hard for her?

I think I'll just text her today, see how she's doing, should I ask if she wants a chat, or just keep it to text?

Thing is, I know that when we were together it was quite intense, I'd phone every day, but only because she'd never talk about how she feels, so I had to guess how she felt about things - and assumed she was missing me as much as she'd texted saying. But that wasn't necessarily what I wanted, I just wanted her to be happy. So if we were back together, things would change for the better.

At the end of the day, I don't think I did anything wrong to cause it, she just had issues, so if it doesn't get back together, it's not my fault, I'd just love it to work!