Personal Statement:Engineering 7

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Engineering Personal Statement

I have always had an interest in the way things work, and since I was young, science has been one of my favourite subjects. My interest in sciences, particularly physics, has developed throughout my time at school, and I enjoy the challenge of using scientific and mathematical ideas when solving everyday problems. Last year I took part in the Engineering Education Scheme, working alongside three other students, with the local water company, to work on a project involving the removal of sludge from a drinking water clarification tank. This helped me to develop time management, problem-solving and teamwork skills, as we encountered several problems along the way (mostly involving the sludge), as well as having to cope with each other for long hours in order to meet deadlines. I found this both challenging and rewarding, and achieved a Gold Crest Award as well as being able to take part in the regional final of the Young Engineers for Britain competition. The scheme gave me a useful insight into the types of problems that engineers have to solve, and convinced me that engineering is the career path I want to follow. I aim to secure sponsorship for my course with a local company, as this will provide me with experience of industrial work during the holidays, as well as helping me financially through my time at university

I believe that good links between engineers and businesses are essential for an efficient and profitable future for British industry

Studying Economics to AS-level, along with sciences and maths, has helped me to understand some of the scientific principles behind production and management techniques. Physics has taught me about how things behave, and how these properties can be used in solving both practical and theoretical situations. Studying biology has helped me to appreciate the role that engineers can play in helping to balance industry and natural environment. My favourite part of the course is the environment module, as I enjoy learning about how different species can adapt to their surroundings. Mathematics gives me the opportunity to apply familiar concepts to unfamiliar situations, and I enjoy the challenge of solving mathematical problems. I also find further maths enjoyable, as I find it more challenging than my normal maths lessons

Alongside my school work, I have been studying an Open University science short course entitled "Food and Health: A Chemical Story". I enjoy working on the course, as it helps to broaden my scientific reading, and covers interesting topics in more depth than my school studies. It also helps me with my independent study and time management skills. I am due to complete the course at the end of October

I like to be involved in other aspects of school life, for example I took part in the junior mock trial competition lower down the school

Last year I was assistant house captain, helping to encourage younger members of my house in competitions. I helped backstage in the sixth form show, which I intend to do again this year. I am a year eight "buddy", which involves helping an able younger student with extra schoolwork. I take drama lessons out of school, and recently passed Guildhall Grade 6 solo acting with honours. I have been involved in five musicals since starting at this school, and am currently rehearsing for my first principal role in the schools' production of "Les Miserables". I have also taken part in several productions with local youth theatre and amateur dramatics societies, ranging from William Shakespeare to Willy Russell. I play the violin in the school orchestra, and enjoy singing in the school choir. I also take part in music activities outside of school, and am involved in groups such as Burton Sinfonia and Staffordshire Youth Choir

Although at the moment I intend to complete a degree in manufacturing engineering, I do not feel that I am in the best position to make any final decisions about my career yet, and have chosen courses with the first year (and in some cases the second year) common to degree programmes in many disciplines of engineering. My experiences of engineering so far have been both challenging and rewarding, and I hope that my future career will be too.

Comments

General Comments:

This is an extremely good personal statement, especially in terms of its content. It is clear that the applicant has a clear idea of what is required of a personal statement. The academic experiences are particularly good since they are very relevant to a degree in engineering and more importantly are explicitly related to the aims of the statement by the applicant. There is clear evidence of what they have gained from their experiences, how it is relevant to an engineering degree and how it has inspired them to study engineering at degree level. The balance in the statement is also good with a strong academic focus backed up by a wide range of diverse extra-curricular interests, although these could do with being expanded upon to include transferable skills.

The main problems with this statement relate to grammar and structure. Paragraphs consisting of single sentences are of little value and just take up valuable space. The applicant also has a tendency to miss out full-stops at the end of paragraphs which comes across as carelessness. It is very important to proof-read statements and this is why it helps to get as many people to read it as possible. Stylistically, the applicant is a big fan of the comma, sometimes in places where it isn’t really needed. The problem with this is that it breaks up the flow and makes it harder to read. Sometimes rearranging sentences can eliminate or reduce the need for commas.

Overall the extremely good academic content in this personal statement means that this is one of the better personal statements that you will see. The applicant has control of the statement throughout and has demonstrated a believable passion and knowledge for the subject, along with a clear awareness of the requirements of engineering and the skills they can offer. Despite the grammatical flaws, this statement would provide good support to an application at a top institution such as Oxford or Cambridge.

--F1fanatic-14915 21:13, 31 March 2009 (BST)

Comments on the statement:

I have always had an interest in the way things work and since I was young, science has always been one of my favourite subjects. This is a solid opening sentence, although the commas make it a little awkward and so rearranging the sentence to remove these would help it to flow better. “Since I was young” is also an often used cliché and should be used sparingly. My interest in sciences, particularly physics, has developed throughout my time at school and I enjoy the challenge of using scientific and mathematical ideas when solving everyday problems. This is a very good sentence. Firstly, the applicant has been careful to say that their interest has developed with time. This is certainly preferable to the suggestion that they have been interested in it since a young age and also preferred to saying they have only recently developed an interest. The applicant has also done well in making clear why they like these subjects.

Last year I took part in the Engineering Education Scheme, working alongside three other students with the local water company, to work on a project involving the removal of sludge from a drinking water clarification tank. The statement has progressed onto specific details of how the applicant has demonstrated an interest in the subject and gained valuable skills and so this does not really belong in the introduction and so I think should be a separate paragraph. The sentence is also very stop-start due to the large number of commas which break up the flow. The sentence would benefit from removing some of these as shown. This helped me to develop time management, problem-solving and teamwork skills, as we encountered several problems along the way (mostly involving the sludge) additional detail on a specific problem encountered would be a better use of the characters here, as the addition has not really told the reader much more information., as well as having to cope with each other for long hours in order to meet deadlines. I imagine this is a joke, but it doesn’t really create a very positive image and I think it would be better to remove it. Humour seldom works in a personal statement in my experience. I found this both challenging and rewarding, achieving a Gold Crest Award, as well as being able to take part in the regional final of the Young Engineers for Britain competition. The scheme gave me a useful insight into the types of problems that engineers have to solve and convinced me that engineering is the career path I want to follow. Excellent here, as the applicant has explicitly related their experiences to the aims of the personal statement in telling the reader what it is that they have gained from the experience and how it has inspired them to study the subject further. I aim to secure sponsorship for my course with a local company as this will provide me with experience of industrial work during the holidays, as well as helping me financially through my time at university. I believe that good links between engineers and businesses are essential for an efficient and profitable future for British industry. A good appreciation of the economic and financial aspects is shown here and is definitely worth mentioning. I’ve combined the two paragraphs as they were related. A paragraph made up of a single sentence isn’t much of a paragraph and just takes up valuable space with the additional line breaks. Overall this is an excellent paragraph because it combines very relevant experiences with a good discussion of what has been gained from it and an appreciation of the skills required by an engineer.

Studying Economics to AS-level, along with sciences and maths, has helped me to understand some of the scientific principles behind production and management techniques. Physics has taught me about how things behave, and how these properties can be used in solving both practical and theoretical problems. It’s not really possible to solve a “situation”, it doesn’t make sense; “problem” or words similar to this would be more correct and it is important to be precise in a personal statement. Studying biology has helped me to appreciate the role that engineers can play in helping to balance industry and the natural environment. I think this is a point which requires clarification; the link seems a bit tenuous unless it is discussed further. My favourite part of the course is the environment module, as I enjoy learning about how different species can adapt to their surroundings. I think the applicant would be best advised to remove this, since it does not seem that relevant to the course being applied for. Showing a strong interest in biology and choosing to spend time on it in a personal statement leaves the reader questioning why the applicant has decided to study engineering rather than a biology-related discipline. Mathematics gives me the opportunity to apply familiar concepts to unfamiliar situations, and I enjoy the challenge of solving mathematical problems. I also find further maths enjoyable, as I find it more challenging than my normal maths lessons Not much has been added by this last sentence. It isn’t necessary to justify why each A-level has been studied and in this case the applicants remarks could perhaps be summarised by “maths is challenging and further maths is even more challenging” which is really fairly obvious. If the applicant wishes to mention further maths then I think it would be best to approach it from a slightly different angle than the normal maths. Overall this is again a very good paragraph because of the appreciation of how the A-levels studied relate to engineering and provide the applicant with skills that would be beneficial for the course. This is so much better than simply listing A-levels and expecting the reader to make the links, since it shows that the applicant themselves is aware of the relationships and has a specific reason for mentioning it in their statement (as opposed to not being able to think of what else to write or thought that it might be important)

Alongside my school work, I have been studying an Open University science short course entitled "Food and Health: A Chemical Story". If space allows I think the course title is obscure enough to justify providing an additional sentence on what the course entails and what the applicant has learnt which may be applicable to engineering. I enjoy working on the course, as it helps to broaden my scientific reading, and covers interesting topics in more depth than my school studies. It also helps me with my independent study and time management skills. I am due to complete the course at the end of October It is implied that the course is still ongoing. I think I would find it concerning if I were an applications tutor as this applicant would not have finished the course by the time they had started university. I would expect them to be able to dedicate all of their time to the degree, not to left over courses from A-levels. The mention of independent learning is good and the applicant has clearly demonstrated to the reader that they have an interest outside of the classroom and so are passionate about the subject. The statement might have benefited from a more explicit mention of the benefits of independent learning to a university degree. This is a very important skill to develop as large parts of a degree require independent learning, much more so than A-levels.

I like to be involved in other aspects of school life, for example I took part in the junior mock trial competition lower down the school. Again, a single sentence does not really make a paragraph and since it relates to the next sentence it would be better to combine them. More detail is needed here as it’s not really made clear what a “junior mock trial” is and the applicant has not explained how it is relevant or what they have gained from the experience. What are they hoping to prove by mentioning it? Last year I was assistant house captain, helping to encourage younger members of my house in competitions. I helped backstage in the sixth form show, which I intend to do again this year. I am a year eight "buddy", which involves helping an able younger student with extra schoolwork. I take drama lessons out of school, and recently passed Guildhall Grade 6 solo acting with honours. I have been involved in five musicals since starting at this school, and am currently rehearsing for my first principal role in the schools' production of "Les Miserables". I have also taken part in several productions with local youth theatre and amateur dramatics societies, ranging from William Shakespeare to Willy Russell. I play the violin in the school orchestra, and enjoy singing in the school choir. I also take part in music activities outside of school, and am involved in groups such as Burton Sinfonia and Staffordshire Youth Choir. The extra-curricular activities part of a personal statement serves two main purposes. Firstly it helps to show that the applicant is well-rounded with a wide range of diverse interests outside of school and academic life. Secondly, these activities and experiences provide additional opportunities to talk about core transferable skills like teamwork, leadership, organisation, time management etc. Here the applicant has done a great job of doing the former by listing a whole range of activities, but it doesn’t really relate any of these interests to the degree or their own personal development. It does read a bit like a list, and lists can be quite dull to read. I think that this statement would be improved by choosing only the most note-worthy activities (around 3 seems right) and focusing on these in more detail. It is only necessary to give a flavour of oneself as an individual, rather than listing every activity that the applicant is involved in.

Although at the moment I intend to complete a degree in manufacturing engineering, I do not feel that I am in the best position to make any final decisions about my career yet, and have chosen courses with the first year (and in some cases the second year) common to degree programmes in many disciplines of engineering. Career aspirations can be a good thing to put in the conclusion of a personal statement, although they are less worthwhile if the applicant doesn’t actually have any. I think it would be better to state a definite preference for a career so that it gives the impression of being focused with clear ambition and aspirations. The tutor won’t be holding anyone to their personal statement in three or four years time, if they decide they want to do something different. In this case the applicant may like to say that they wish to take a degree in engineering which offers a wide and diverse range of career possibilities. My experiences of engineering so far have been both challenging and rewarding, and I hope that my future career will be too. It’s important to keep the conclusion brief (1 or 2 sentences) and this is bordering on the long side. Ideally it’s important to summarise what the applicant has to offer and why they want to study the course in addition to any career aspirations they may wish to express.

--F1fanatic-14915 21:13, 31 March 2009 (BST)