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Personal Statement:Medicine 48TSR Wiki > University > Applying to University > Personal Statement Library > Medicine 48
Medicine Personal Statement‘Because I enjoy helping people’ sounds like a cliché. I honestly don’t have a solid reason for wanting to do medicine, but I’ve always wanted to do it. And being at the age of great understanding, medicine becomes even more fascinating to me, now more than ever. I understand that the love of medicine alone isn’t enough to prove that I am able to become a good enough doctor- obstetrician to be exact, however I do understand the strengths I possess and the willingness to succeed without compromise. From a young age, many things worked against my favor, such as the discouragement from a nurse in the hospital during a visit to see my mother, whom at the time was seriously ill, but this only encouraged me to prove many people wrong. Apart from proving my self worthy to others, I enjoy the subjects that are incorporated into medicine. This includes chemistry, mathematics and biology. I love the complexity and discovery of which science involves and the ability of being able to deduce problems into simpler forms through maths. I enjoy analyzing data in various forms and evaluating my results, representing them in graphical, text or even illustrated form. Another reason why I love these subjects, is because they are constantly expanding and they never seize to be of use and great importance to world and it’s development, that’s why with medicine, I will constantly be furthering my education. Being a doctor means a great deal to me; even the downsides to being a doctor grows on me everyday. The role I undertake at my current work experience at the new hospital in Manchester, involves me escorting visitors and patients throughout the hospital to there destinations, which may be anywhere within the four hospitals. This job is tiring, as the hospital is such a big and busy place. Nevertheless the satisfactory “thankyou’s” from those I usher, make up for the cries my feet make as a result of the ache they suffer. This alone gives insight into the interactions many staff including doctors face with patients, minus the surgical perceptive. Recognizing that being a doctor is a busy life style how can we expect any less, as my work experience helps me to understand how the hospital runs smoothly and the level of care needed for every individual, whether they be a patient, visitor or staff. My most previous and fondest work experience, was when I was asked to work with a nursery. This was through SureStart charity and Ashgate’s Primary School. The special thing about working here was that each child had autism, which made me see things from another point of view. The time here gave me patience and influenced the positive rise in my communication skills, and confidence, and general care to others. My role was to assist the teachers with the children and with this I saw the progression a lot of these children made and the skills that they picked up at such a young age. I think the most important reason of wanting to become a doctor is so I can help people, but it isn’t my only reason. I want to work in a environment where I’m rushed of my feet all day, and still I’m making a difference to somebody’s life. I want to hold the responsibility of trust in my hands so patients don’t feel threatened by the status “Doctor”, but comfortable enough to share what they are going through. I want to be given the opportunity to not only help someone but to change and inspire also. I want to be Doctor for all these reasons and many more. Most importantly I want to be an obstetrician so I can help mothers, bring a child safely into this world when things seem too difficult to be possible. In my spare time, I use to play netball and basketball. This I played for 2-5 years representing my former high school and Manchester Mystics Girls under 16’s Basketball team. I also write short stories now and enjoy swimming usually once every two weeks. CommentsGeneral Comments:Overall, this PS lacks structure. The work experience paragraph is split in two, they have an unnecessary paragraph and no conclusion. At present, it mentions vague examples, which don’t really add anything; everything written in a PS should be expanded on to back up what you say, e.g. by mentioning why it was interesting, what you gained from it. REFLECTION is an important skill for a doctor, which can be shown through a PS. This PS doesn’t give the impression that the applicant understands the role of a doctor, or the downsides of medicine. Their work experience paragraph could go into a lot more detail about what they did and what they learned. Comments on the statement:‘Because I enjoy helping people’ sounds like a cliché. I honestly don’t have a solid reason for wanting to do medicine, but I’ve don’t use contractions in a formal document like this always this can’t be true, as it would mean since being a baby! wanted to do it. This isn’t a good way to start a PS. Medicine is very competitive and the admission tutors are looking for dedicated students who can clearly demonstrate why they want to do the subject. Admitting to not having ‘a solid reason’ will put them off – it may be difficult to say why, but it’s necessary! And don’t start a sentence with ‘and’ as it’s not good grammar being at the age of great understanding, bit OTT for only being 17 or 18! medicine becomes even more fascinating over-used word in PSs to me, now more than ever. Making a vague statement without backing it up will give little impact. I understand that the love of medicine alone isn’t enough to prove that I am able to become a good enough doctor- obstetrician to be exact, however I do understand the strengths I possess and the willingness to succeed without compromise. This sentence is too confusing and could be broken down. Why have they decided to become an obstetrician? To have chosen a specialty before even applying comes across naïve. What ‘strengths’ do they possess? From a young age, clichéd phrase many things worked against my favour, such as the discouragement from a nurse in the hospital during a visit to see my mother, whom at the time was seriously ill, but this only encouraged me to prove many people wrong. It isn’t a good idea to mention any negative experiences with medical practitioners of any kind – you’re going to have to work with them if you are accepted after all! It doesn’t discuss reasons of why the applicant wants to become a doctor either anyway. Apart from proving myself worthy to others, this would be best rephrased, as comes across quite arrogant I enjoy the subjects that are incorporated into medicine. Of course the applicant enjoys the subjects otherwise they wouldn’t be applying! This includes chemistry, mathematics and biology. admissions tutors do not need to be told which subjects are incorporated into medicine I love the complexity and discovery of which science involves and the ability of being able to deduce problems into simpler forms through maths. This sentence is worded awkwardly I enjoy analysing use British spelling data in various forms and evaluating my results, representing them in graphical, text or even illustrated form. Another reason why I love these subjects, is because they are constantly expanding and they never Being a doctor means a great deal to me; too informal even the downsides to being a doctor grows on me everyday. Such as? Assessors want to see that one understands the disadvantages of medicine. That involves giving examples The role I undertake at my current work experience this is overly wordy at the new hospital in Manchester, do not mention the location involves me escorting visitors and patients throughout the hospital to their destinations, which may be anywhere within the four hospitals. This job is tiring, as the hospital is such a big and busy place. The applicant needs to tie this in with the demands of medicine, otherwise the sentence is not needed. They need to be more specific. ‘Such a big’ also sounds too colloquial Nevertheless the satisfactory “thankyou’s” from those I usher, make up for the cries my feet make as a result of the ache they suffer. This is far too dramatic! This also comes across that they are expecting a show of gratitude, and this will not happen in the world of medicine This alone gives insight into the interactions many staff including doctors face with patients, minus the surgical perceptive. There’s no need for the subordinate clause, and I would remove the ‘this alone’. It’s good that they’re demonstrating something they’ve learned about medicine (i.e. the interaction), but they need to elaborate on it more. Give an example. What sort of interactions? Recognising However, it would be best changed to ‘I recognised’; recognising is too informal that being a doctor is a busy lifestyle how can we expect any less, as my work experience helps me to understand how the hospital runs smoothly and the level of care needed for every individual, whether they be a patient, visitor or staff. This sentence doesn’t read well. So they’re trying to hammer home that they’ve experienced how a hospital works and the level of care provided. I would make this two separate sentences, be more detailed and give examples. When did they see this demonstrated? Again, being specific helps an applicant stand out, as the tutors will read ‘I learned about social skills, I learned about teamwork, I learned about…’ on hundreds of statements. Overall, this sounds like the applicant has a naïve view on what it is like being a doctor – there is no mention of shadowing doctors, which is important My most previous and fondest work experience, too informal was when I was asked to work with a nursery. It doesn’t come across well that they were ‘asked’ to work. Assessors want to see independence and organisation. It is best to stick with ‘when I worked in a nursery’. This was through SureStart charity and Ashgate’s Primary School. No need for this sentence, and again don’t mention the location The special thing about working here was that each child had autism, which made me see things from another point of view. How did it? and why? ‘A special thing’ is too informal, and there’s no need to say that each child had autism. Something like ‘I worked with children with autism’ would be better The time here gave me patience and influenced the positive rise in my communication skills, and confidence, and general care to others. The ‘a positive rise’ sounds awkward. It would be best rephrased. Again, they’ve crammed several good points into one sentence. They should give an example of when their patience was tested. Examples also help to avoid looking generic. ‘General care’ is also a bit vague. My role was to assist the teachers with the children They need to more specific. Assist with what? This could be incorporated into the examples, so this sentence may not be needed and with this I saw the progression a lot of these children made and the skills that they picked up at such a young age. What sort of skills? These two paragraphs should have been one; they need to be joined together. The last bit also sounds too ‘teacher-y’ – relate everything back to medicine and how you have good skills to be a doctor. I think the most important reason of wanting to become a doctor is so I can help people, but it isn’t my only reason. They’ve mixed what they’re talking about. The first half of the sentence they’re talking generally – what they believe is the most important reason for everyone – then they start talking about themselves. There’s no need to say what one thinks is the most important reason. ‘Help people’ is very vague and generic; one will see those words on many other PSs. They’ve also contradicted themselves – their very first sentence said that ‘helping people’ is a cliché! I want to work in an environment where I’m rushed off too informal my feet all day, and still I’m making a difference to somebody’s life. Again, it is also vague and doesn’t come off as impressive. I want to hold the responsibility of trust in my hands so patients don’t feel threatened by the status “Doctor”, but comfortable enough to share what they are going through. ‘but’ would be better replaced with ‘and’; this sentence is awkwardly worded and just makes it sound like the applicant wants it to be responsible/powerful/influential I want to be given the opportunity to not only help someone but to change and inspire also. Awkwardly worded. How exactly would the applicant ‘change and inspire’? There’s little point mentioning it if they can’t give examples I want to be a doctor for all these reasons and many more. Such as? They need to elaborate Most importantly I want to be an obstetrician so I can help mothers, there shouldn’t be a comma here bring a child safely into this world when things seem too difficult to be possible. It’s inappropriate to talk about specialising. It appears ignorant to discuss what you want to do 10 years down the line before you’ve even applied. If they’re interested in obstetrics, they need to explain why – have they done work experience, read an interesting book? It would be acceptable to discuss an interest, but saying they want to be an obstetrician is too intense. This didn’t need to be a paragraph either; explaining why medicine appeals to the applicant is best in the introduction. This paragraph is basically what an introduction should be (explaining the reasons for wanting to be a doctor), so it doesn’t really flow with the rest of the statement. It also makes it look like the applicant is applying for the wrong reasons, i.e. the status of being a doctor. This paragraph would be best deleted. In my spare time, I used to play netball and basketball. This I played for 2-5 years this is odd wording representing my former high school and Manchester Mystics Girls under 16’s Basketball team. No need to state the name of the team. Why did they ‘used to play’? Why aren’t they playing now? This is an unnecessary thing to talk about unless they can state what they’ve learned. Have they learned about teamwork, for example? How is that important in medicine? I also write short stories now and enjoy swimming usually once every two weeks. Again, what has this got to do with medicine? The tutors aren’t looking for a dozen shiny extra curriculars. They want to see a select few, and what one has learned from them. As they have not done that, this paragraph does them no favours. This also isn’t suitable for a concluding paragraph, which should sum up why the applicant wants to be a doctor and why they are a good candidate. |
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