Pharmacy Personal Statement
I am currently studying three A levels in chemistry, biology and Information Technology. I am also studying an extra AS level in sociology. (this info is already available to the admittance staff, it isn't a very original start, think of something less common to be more noticeable)Out of my four courses I have particular interests in biology and chemistry due to enjoying science since I was a child. (As a child is very overused by candidates, it won't attract much attention as it lacks creativity)The course I wish to pursue is pharmacy as it is a science related subject.(The admittance staff also know this, why is science so important to you?) Also I feel that I have excellent skills which directly relate to this subject. The skills I have obtained from work as well as college include having good enquiry and analytical skills, which shows I am accurate and well concentrated. I also feel that I have strong problem solving skills, so if a problem was to arise I would have no problem and would work to the best of my ability. As I am a respectable member of my own community and the sixth form I am currently in I have developed good communication skills, hence I have no problems in portraying and listening to thoughts and ideas. From the courses I have studied throughout my education I have developed excellent technology skills as well as being very accurate with technical equipment.(You really overuse the word skills, making this quite incoherent. What examples do you have of gaining experience with difficult situations? Saying 'i'm good' does not have much meaning unless you can back it up)
As a child I often accompanied my father to the local pharmacy and spent as much time as I could watching the owner work. When I was older, I researched this field thoroughly, to widen my knowledge of what this career involved. (Which parts of the career interest you? Showing evidence of further reading is very good)This experience instilled in me the desire to own or work in a large pharmacy someday and help create new drugs which could help the community that I live in.(This shows confusion, community pharmacists do not make new drugs, they dispense drugs made by others) Yet I understand that the business world today is more complex. This complexity requires more education and the field I want to pursue has widened. I am prepared to work with new or even founded drugs, this is why I am applying or the pharmacy course.('New or even founded' doesn't make sense, this should be rephrased. How has the field widened? Explain more!)
I have had numerous other work experiences that further enhance my qualifications for this program. My resume enumerates the various positions I have worked at my local pharmacy and helped out with general procedures. (The punctuation in this sentence is dreadful, it does not flow and should be rewritten) I understand that this course also involves developing new drugs because this is the field I am also very interested in.(This statement is being repeated again and again without much explanation. What fields of research are you interested in? Why are you interested? How did you become interested?)
Not all of my work experience has been as a paid employee. Part of my volunteering experience at my local community centre involved extensive work on computers, including word processing, organizing databases and creating spreadsheets. (A paragraph on an experience in a pharmacy environment, which you say you have had, would be much more useful.) Also I was helping the community by arranging events and sports days. I recently started helping out at an old people's home behind my house, here I help out the management with several tasks, which include organising schedules and helping the elderly.(This is just a list of random experiences, there is no relation to what you have learnt or how you have grown from your time there)
My successful internship is one element of my overall academic success as an undergraduate, yet I have also made time for a variety of extracurricular activities, including working with my society and competing in all sports.(Again this makes no sense, 'my society'? 'all sports'? specific examples are much better than general ones. You speak as if you are already an undergraduate? Your tenses are confused.) My positive experiences here have resulted in my desire to pursue the career I have always wanted to progress within. (How? what makes this relevant?)Furthermore, continuing onto a pharmacy course would mean that I achieve a goal that I have wanted since being a child.(Again, lacking in imagination)
During my early school years I held various positions of responsibility.(This sounds like primary school and should be rewritten) I was a form representitive for two years. At sixth form I am currently taking an extracurricular qualification in council ling.(Spelling) Also I am looking forward to participating in a first aid course which I have signed up for. (Using also again, different vocabulary would be useful)I am currently working at o2 which is a mobile phones company. My job title is a contractor as it is my responsibility to make decisions if a customer should be allowed to join our company. The job is very demanding as a little mistake could lead to the corruption of the business. (This sounds like you are making your job sound more important than it is, corrupting a multimillion pound business is unlikely to be done by someone buying a contract) So I have o be 100% committed whilst working. (Spelling)The skills I have gained from where I work are responsibility skills, team work skills also good oral communication skills as I take calls from different dealers.(Skills! Again! More useful work experience would be pharmacy experience.) My confidence has also increased during my years in education and work and feel that I can achieve any targets that will or are set for me.('Will or are' should be phrased better e.g 'are or will be', more punctuation is also required)
I have developed many interests over the years which include playing all sports, reading scientific magazines. Also I am in prime position to receive the chemistry award for achievement from my year group.(This does not require a paragraph to itself, it should be split and fitted into more relevant paragraphs.)
As an individual I fell that I am ambitious, reliable, independent, organised and very committed. I feel that I have very good skills which are related to the career that I am pursuing. All the qualities I have gained will no doubt help me progress in the pharmacy career. (This is a bad ending, you haven't shown coherent evidence of where you gained skills and qualities and the statements lack passion and individuality.)
1/10 Complete rewrite is necessary due to structure, punctuation and content issues.
Comments on the statement:
The statement lacks individuality, it has a confused structure which does not focus on academic issues enough.
Opening paragraph should state intentions in an individual way, repeating subjects taken and a love of science are very common. Academic information should be given in further paragraphs, showing examples of further reading which was provoked by your subjects or knowledge of current pharmacy issues is a good way to make admissions staff think you take their subject seriously. Evidence of skills being gained should be provided. Show how you developed from an experience. Specific extra curricular activities are better than 'all sports' which doesn't mean much. A strong ending paragraph should tie together your reasons for developing a love of pharmacy.
A complete rewrite of this statement would be necessary.