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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

I think I've fallen for someone who lives 91 miles away. For those who are kind enough to help me, thank you. Here's my dilemma.

About 4 months ago, I wanted to find out what all the fuss was about on Chatroulette, so I went on it for the first (and last) time. During the short time I was on it, I met a guy called Tom, and we got on really well. This is where it started.

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91 miles isn't that far. What is it, 2 or 3 hours away? However, if you both feel that it's too far to have a 'proper' relationship then it probably is for you two. My boyfriend and I lived about 200 miles apart for the first year and a half we were together and it worked fine but right from the start we both knew we wanted to make it work. The fact you're not convinced a relationship can work over 90 miles (and when you're posting in an LDR thread I don't really understand that, there are people here hundreds, even thousands of miles apart) and he suggested an open relationship/FWB doesn't really make it seem like you both want this enough for it to work.

I'm really sorry if that sounded mean or harsh. But would an open relationship be enough for you? Isn't it just him getting what he wants without you getting what you want? I think if you both wanted it to work it probably could but from what you've said it's best not to try unless you can actually commit to a relationship. You could always stay friends and see if anything happens in future?

Original post by Anonymous

i could do with advice:

i'm in a LDR. we met at uni, and were together the whole 3 years of uni. now that uni has finished we have moved home, which is just over a 2 hour drive away from each other. the worst part though.. we both have full time jobs, but they both involve evening, weekends.. and are basically both random hours. this means that our days off rarely fall on the same days. since we saw each other so much at uni, i'm getting very frustrated with only seeing him once every 1-2 weeks, and only for 2 days at the most. i'm thinking of breaking up with him, because i feel as if i'm trying to detatch myself from him so that i'm not as sad that i can't see him much. this means when he visits i feel distant, and not coupley at all. i don't feel the same as i used to, but i don't know whether this is just the distance to blame, and am so confused at what to do :frown:

Aww

that sounds difficult. I think a lot of people go through that, trying to pull away because it's easier to leave them at the end of the visit. Do you see a future for you two? Are there any plans to move closer?

Reply 5301

sharpesparkle

16

Original post by HistoryRepeating

Elements that make a LDR work
A clear 'end goal' in mind (eg moving back to a close-distance relationship)
Limited duration (6 months to a year (depending on strength of relationship) or less
Strength of Relationship / Level of Commitment (L word, Engaged, long-term relationship etc)

Elements that pretty much guarantee a LDR will (eventually) fail
"Life-changing" experiences, like going to uni - if you change while apart, you lose your connection
No medium term plan to end the LD part of your LDR
Poor self-control / neediness / uncontrollable behaviour while drink / being a miserable cow/bstrd

I know lots of people here will want to tell you different, but trying to keep a pre-uni relationship going while at (different) unis is both doomed to fail and also a horrible, horrible waste of the best years of your life.

I think what people find insulting is when posters come on here and post their opinions without any wriggle room in them. They're all completely certain that these are Facts. Well, they're not.

Limited duration: My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 5 years, long distance for over two years now, and we've got another 8 or so months to go. We're moving in together when we graduate and we knew all along that it was going to be 3 years of LDR.

Life changing experience- we both went to uni. Again, we're stronger than ever now.

Neediness- Goodness me. Everyone's a bit needy sometimes, and it's part of a healthy LDR to be able to talk about it when you are needing a bit more attention.

Reply 5302

Anonymous #273

Aww

that sounds difficult. I think a lot of people go through that, trying to pull away because it's easier to leave them at the end of the visit. Do you see a future for you two? Are there any plans to move closer?

he would like us to move in together, but i'm unsure. it couldn't happen for over a year, because i am saving up to go travelling next summer, and i don't know if i can stay like this till then because i'm unhappy with it all!
i'm just sad cos i sort of feel the only way we could get better again is if we could spend a lot more time together, and rekindle things.. but of course thats not possible :frown:

Reply 5303

Gracie312

My boyfriend is in university and I'm on a gap year.
He's about six hours away on public transport, and I find it hard to get enough time off work to make it worthwhile seeing him.
He comes home often, but when he leaves I feel so utterly miserable that I almost wish he hadn't come home!
My world has shrunk, and as all my other friends have gone to university, and he's so far away, I'm lonely, but I don't want to be a burden to him, I don't want his first year spoilt because he's worrying about me.
I don't know what to do!

Reply 5304

Chi se ne frega

My boyfriend and I started out basically very into the relationship. I basically moved in with him after a month of being together, and for months saw each other everyday. I've moved back to my parent's house now (I need to finish off school) and since then we see each other every other day. We have never gone more then two days without seeing each other.

I'm from Italy, and next year I'm supposed to go to the UK to study and I just can't even imagine how I'm going to cope without seeing him so often!

Reply 5305

mazzie111

2

i could really do with some advice right now :frown:

i absolutely love my boyfriend and were 6 weeks into an LDR and we see each other every 2 weeks. However hes got real busy now and he said he misses me less as he has good company and stuff but he still loves me and he doesn't want anyone else. I mean were not in contact all that much just like texting and stuff but i dont know. When were together everythings perfect.

Do you think because hes busy and had new friends and stuff that hes going off me :frown:

and will move on :frown:

i really dont know how id cope. hes really all i have.

please helpp :frown:

Reply 5306

abcdemilyxx

2

Original post by mazzie111

i could really do with some advice right now :frown:

i absolutely love my boyfriend and were 6 weeks into an LDR and we see each other every 2 weeks. However hes got real busy now and he said he misses me less as he has good company and stuff but he still loves me and he doesn't want anyone else. I mean were not in contact all that much just like texting and stuff but i dont know. When were together everythings perfect.

Do you think because hes busy and had new friends and stuff that hes going off me :frown:

and will move on :frown:

i really dont know how id cope. hes really all i have.

please helpp :frown:

if he says he still wants to be with you then believe him :smile:

it's a good thing that he's meeting people and not just sat moping and missing you, so you should go do the same, hang out with friends and have fun while you've got that freedom.
he won't go off you, it'll just make it more special when you see each other and you'll be happy both having fun and knowing that he's having fun.

Reply 5307

freezingsaphire

Omg this is like a nightmare >< Shes only been at uni for a month or so and she says she wants to go on a break? I dunno wad to think, we were so strong before she left and everything was fine in the first week but after that she suddenly seemed to have a massive change and all. Cant believe this is happening
sorry had to get it out of me

Reply 5308

littlehobbit

10

Original post by freezingsaphire

Omg this is like a nightmare >< Shes only been at uni for a month or so and she says she wants to go on a break? I dunno wad to think, we were so strong before she left and everything was fine in the first week but after that she suddenly seemed to have a massive change and all. Cant believe this is happening
sorry had to get it out of me

I'm really sorry to hear that! Have you spoken to her and chatted everything through? Asked why she is feeling how she is? Have you made any plans to visit her? Going long distance from being so close is so hard, my boyfriend and I have now been apart for 6 weeks too, but you have to work through it. Communication is the key in an LDR, so make sure you fully speak to her about everything. Hope it works out :smile:

Reply 5309

freezingsaphire

Original post by littlehobbit

I'm really sorry to hear that! Have you spoken to her and chatted everything through? Asked why she is feeling how she is? Have you made any plans to visit her? Going long distance from being so close is so hard, my boyfriend and I have now been apart for 6 weeks too, but you have to work through it. Communication is the key in an LDR, so make sure you fully speak to her about everything. Hope it works out :smile:

Yeah we've kind of spoken about it? But she says she feels guilty that she cant keep up the same level of committment =/ What does that mean? Hmm plus i cant really visit her cause of some other reasons so that makes it even harder cause the next time i see her can only be in june. So now she says that she needs some time and space to think things through arghhh, just hoping for the best now =(

Reply 5310

littlehobbit

10

Original post by freezingsaphire

Yeah we've kind of spoken about it? But she says she feels guilty that she cant keep up the same level of committment =/ What does that mean? Hmm plus i cant really visit her cause of some other reasons so that makes it even harder cause the next time i see her can only be in june. So now she says that she needs some time and space to think things through arghhh, just hoping for the best now =(

I guess the best thing to do then is give her some time, but make your feelings clear that you want to stay with her and you want things to work and that she doesn't need to constantly speak to you, but a couple of texts a day is fine if you can phone/skype a couple of times a week! If you want to keep her, fight for her, but as she needs space, try to give her that too! Hopefully it will all work out for you :smile:

Reply 5311

Vintagechick936

Any advice on how to cope with long distance? My boyfriend lives 100 miles away, we have been together for about a year and 8 months. 6 months ago he slept with another girl and they were even living with each other for a while. Her mum kicked her out and she moved in with him for 2 months or so and stupidly i believed nothing was going on. I am finding it so difficult. He is sincerely sorry and regrets it. He says they have no contact and he really wants himself and I to work. But i can't get rid of the idea that he is still at it with her. I have been suffering with depression for a few years now and all i want is someone to be here for me and help me through it. However seeing each other every 4-6 weeks really does not help. Our trust is next to nothing however all i want is to be with him. I love him so much. I'm off to uni next year and coincidently we will actually be closer. I'm just starting to wonder whether it is even worth the wait to build up our trust. I mean how can we regain trust if we hardly see one another. Its stressing me out so much especially with exams coming up in january. I'm so confued :frown:

Reply 5312

mary21

1

Hey,

I'm hoping you guys can give me a bit of encouragement/cheer me up a little as I'm feeling really down at the moment due to missing my boyfriend and living in a different country away from him.

We have been together 2 years, all the way through university, and are now both 3rd years. I'm on my year abroad currently in France, while he is still in the UK. I visited him this weekend for 4 days, which was amazing, as we hadn't seen each other for 3 months, and everything was perfect, as if we had never been apart. We just fitted back in to how we are together straight away and it was wonderful, but went far too quickly, and now here I am again without him untill Christmas.

Before I saw him, i had been coping fine. Yes, of course I missed him, but I was having a brilliant time abroad and new that we would survive being apart. Now though, having been back two days, I'm feeling so upset, every time i think about him i start crying and i just feel lost and empty without him. I'm beginning to doubt why i am here, and just want to go home and be with him.

He is my best friend in the whole world, he is the only one who had been there for me through everything i have been so used to having him there all the time. We always said that if we got through this year it would mean that we are forever, and so far being apart has just confirmed how we feel about each other even more. Our relationship is perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more, so I have no reason to be upset.

I don't know why i'm feeling so down at the moment, when i have just seen him, but i can't seem to shake it off. i have to be strong and deal with it so i can make the most of my year abroad, but it just doesn't seem to be that easy.

How can i get through the next 7 weeks untill i see him again and why am i feeling so low at the moment when i had coped fine with not seeing him for 3 months previously.
Any advice and encouragement would be really nice.

Thanks xxxx

Reply 5313

Seentje

14

Original post by mary21

Hey,

I'm hoping you guys can give me a bit of encouragement/cheer me up a little as I'm feeling really down at the moment due to missing my boyfriend and living in a different country away from him.

We have been together 2 years, all the way through university, and are now both 3rd years. I'm on my year abroad currently in France, while he is still in the UK. I visited him this weekend for 4 days, which was amazing, as we hadn't seen each other for 3 months, and everything was perfect, as if we had never been apart. We just fitted back in to how we are together straight away and it was wonderful, but went far too quickly, and now here I am again without him untill Christmas.

Before I saw him, i had been coping fine. Yes, of course I missed him, but I was having a brilliant time abroad and new that we would survive being apart. Now though, having been back two days, I'm feeling so upset, every time i think about him i start crying and i just feel lost and empty without him. I'm beginning to doubt why i am here, and just want to go home and be with him.

He is my best friend in the whole world, he is the only one who had been there for me through everything i have been so used to having him there all the time. We always said that if we got through this year it would mean that we are forever, and so far being apart has just confirmed how we feel about each other even more. Our relationship is perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more, so I have no reason to be upset.

I don't know why i'm feeling so down at the moment, when i have just seen him, but i can't seem to shake it off. i have to be strong and deal with it so i can make the most of my year abroad, but it just doesn't seem to be that easy.

How can i get through the next 7 weeks untill i see him again and why am i feeling so low at the moment when i had coped fine with not seeing him for 3 months previously.
Any advice and encouragement would be really nice.

Thanks xxxx

I know what that's like. I've been in an LDR for over a year now, and sometimes it hits me harder when he just left. When you see your lover after a long time of absence, it can make you feel pretty hopeless. You know that person is going to leave and that you're going to have to miss him for another x amount of months, and that's hard to deal with. Sometimes it helps to think about it as a challenge. When you feel really down, think about all the things you're gonna achieve and how you have somebody to share that with you. And all the fun things you guys are going to do together after the year abroad. People that have clear goals in their LDR always have it easier.

I think that it's also important for you to allow yourself to be upset. The fact that you're relationship is so strong should mean it's more likely to be upset, and sometimes you should just let it happen. Think, would you cry as much if your boyfriend and you didn't have that strong connection? I think you two can surely make it if you stay positive. Allow yourself to enjoy the experience, and think of all the years you still have with him after (perhaps you'll miss your alone time in a while :wink:

). Good luck.

Reply 5314

Asymptote

Hey people! I'm new to the LDR life and thought I may as well come in and make myself comfy as I'm apparently in it for the long haul.

Question:
In a normal short-distance relationship, as far as it seems apparent to me, those little acts and gestures of affection make all the difference to how you feel. A kiss on the cheek or an arm around you at night or the snuggle into your neck as you cuddle or the way they hold your hand show you that everything is good and fine and working.
However, in a LDR these physical acts of affirmation aren't there. Sure there's communication and there's this/that Skype; but it doesn't make up for that reassurance.

I'm a fairly insecure person, but I haven't always been. Every proper relationship I've had in the past has involved some form of betrayal or cheating or dishonesty: my first love had webcam sex secretly with guys and ended up dating someone else while we were together; the guy after that left me for my best friend (though not really a best friend if he gave up me as a friend for this guy) etc. The 'first love' used to also make fun of my appearance and make me feel insecure about my looks (something I've had problems with anyway) and body.

My current boyfriend, who went away in September to Germany to do the last year of his degree before coming back has been a welcome change. He makes me feel beautiful, special, worthy and something worth fighting for, where no one else has ever come close. When we were in our short-distance phase of the relationship, it was absolutely fine. But now, with him having gone, without those little acts and reassurances, my old insecurities have began to appear in quite prolific amounts and have been fairly problematic.
He tells me every time that he adores me and misses me and wants me and only me; but then when I speak to him online and I sometimes get short, delayed or no response, or I come online and he doesn't try to speak to me, even though he's there, my insecurities go haywire. I start to think he's "getting over me" or is "going off me" or "doesn't want to speak to me" or has "stopped missing me" or "finds me boring" or is "finding someone else". I totally trust his feelings he had for me when he left, and I trust him, it's just with no constant affirmation and my past experiences of people treating me like ****, I can't help but worry that things are changing or are going to change or his feelings are going to change and I'm going to be left here having waited for a broken heart for a year.

I am ashamed to say, my insecurities have caused a lot of arguments and "discussions" and "things" recently. I feel ashamed that my insecurities are causing these problems and he's getting really, really upset about it and sick of it. He got upset, and so then withdrew from me, which made my insecurities worse, which then made him withdraw some more, which made my insecurities worse - a vicious circle. At the end of every argument he still tells me he misses me and he cares for me so much and he's fallen for me and he wants no one else, but I know each time he's getting more and more worn down. I spoke to my flatmate and I completely understand that I'm causing these problems and I'm trying to beat down these worries and fears, but it just doesn't seem to be easy at all.

Communication, communication, communication. I do know that, and we do, a lot. Honesty has always been the main feature of our relationship.

Does anyone get this at the start of a LDR? Do you have any helpful advice?

Reply 5315

Thelastbubble

England - China

Come back for a few weeks every 5 months for 2 years. Right to leave it?

Reply 5316

Anonymous #274

Having your own life

Keeps coming up here and on TSR. For you and your partner, why is this important?
I've moved to a new city, and I've got my own life, but I don't know how this will go down with my LD bf because our lives were each other before.

Is it a good thing because you look independent, confident and popular, gives you things to talk about, or a bad thing because he feels like he isn't needed in your busy life?

Please advise, and please keep anon or delete this is personal.

Reply 5317

Asymptote

Original post by Anonymous

Having your own life

Keeps coming up here and on TSR. For you and your partner, why is this important?
I've moved to a new city, and I've got my own life, but I don't know how this will go down with my LD bf because our lives were each other before.

Is it a good thing because you look independent, confident and popular, gives you things to talk about, or a bad thing because he feels like he isn't needed in your busy life?

Please advise, and please keep anon or delete this is personal.

Having your own life is a key part to the survival of a LDR in my opinion, or any relationship. You can have your mutual friends, and your dates, and your days together and your nights together, but it's important to have your own individual desires and goals to work towards and your own friends you can see on your own. Your boyfriend likes your friends and he gets along with them? Fine, great even, but you need to be able to enjoy yourself and have fun without your significant other too.

It isn't a good thing because it makes you "look" independent, confident or popular. It should be a good thing because you are independent and confident. You need to be able to make yourself happy before letting your happiness comes from others.

The "bad" things: you are kind of right, in that sometimes (especially at first) when you see a distant person you care about having a great time and seemingly getting along fine without you, it hurts, and makes you feel a little like you aren't required for his/her happiness. This is in a way true, in a good, functioning relationship, a significant other shouldn't be required for general happiness, but a significant other makes everything so much better and so much happier.

As a person, you are a jigsaw - lots and lots of disorganised pieces as you're brought out of the box. Throughout your life you need to put all of those pieces together to see yourself in the bigger picture. A relationship is the part in the heart of the puzzle, but you need to have all of those other pieces there and set out before you can add it, otherwise you have absolutely no idea where to put it or how it fits. You can't just have a little bit of a puzzle and scattered pieces and call it complete. You need to make sure that all of your other pieces are together and fit before you add those last pieces that will make your picture clear.

x

Reply 5318

littleblackdress

Thought I may as well introduce myself as well :smile:

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 5months (yes I know it's not long), and have recently gone LD after going to uni- i'm in Portsmouth, he's in York. We met whilst on our gap year travelling and spent the first 2 weeks we were going out practically living together, making our relationship feel like it has been going for longer than 5 months.

I'm not worried about uni changing either of us, I know it changed many people i've met here, but I feel our gap years helped us to mature and become independent.

Recently, just by chance, we've been able to see each other every week, which I know we can't possibly keep up. I miss him loads, but when we're home we are still 40min drive from each other. I know this is nothing compared to the nearly 300miles between portsmouth and york, but means i cant see him as much as i would like when we are home.

Just thought i'd share this with you all, as i know others are going through similar things, and lots of you are in much further/ harder LDRs and i feel your pain. I know you may think that it cant possibly work LD after such a short amount of time, but i have faith. We spent a month apart whilst i was still travelling, so we have had intense periods together, and periods of nothing.

Just thought i would share it with you and also get it off my chest cos i do really miss him :frown:

.

P.S. anyone know cheap ways of getting from portsmouth to york? :P

Reply 5319

Asymptote

Original post by littleblackdress

Thought I may as well introduce myself as well :smile:

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 5months (yes I know it's not long), and have recently gone LD after going to uni- i'm in Portsmouth, he's in York. We met whilst on our gap year travelling and spent the first 2 weeks we were going out practically living together, making our relationship feel like it has been going for longer than 5 months.

I'm not worried about uni changing either of us, I know it changed many people i've met here, but I feel our gap years helped us to mature and become independent.

Recently, just by chance, we've been able to see each other every week, which I know we can't possibly keep up. I miss him loads, but when we're home we are still 40min drive from each other. I know this is nothing compared to the nearly 300miles between portsmouth and york, but means i cant see him as much as i would like when we are home.

Just thought i'd share this with you all, as i know others are going through similar things, and lots of you are in much further/ harder LDRs and i feel your pain. I know you may think that it cant possibly work LD after such a short amount of time, but i have faith. We spent a month apart whilst i was still travelling, so we have had intense periods together, and periods of nothing.

Just thought i would share it with you and also get it off my chest cos i do really miss him :frown:

.

P.S. anyone know cheap ways of getting from portsmouth to york? :P

Hey!

I don't know any cheap ways of getting from Portsmouth to York :frown:

Do you know of any cheap ways of getting from Edinburgh to Düsseldorf? :P

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