Not that I ever was amazing at it, but was really poplular and friendly till I was 12 then bullied horribly by other pupils AND teachers, by teacher bullying I mean the pupils who bullied me were middle class and I was from council estate so they were were snooty and said I must of started every fight, so I learned to stay quiet, and not socialise, so even on the rare occasion say at Christmas when people were somewhat nice to me I blanked them.
I started getting better when I left school but was just shy and with little to moderate self esteem but built my confidence up till I was 22 and a family member was murdered and people knew my family in street as it was a quite small town and got nasty people in street saying we were scum and we murdered this person again down to the fact most of my family are on benefits or low wage jobs.
This was 5 years ago, since then my life has gotten worse and worse, in the past 2 years I am losing my hairline though my hair is thick, have gained 5 stone and cannot get better since I get so much abuse in the street over things like weight, apperance, or that I am timid I am timid because I am depressed, depressed because I am stuck getting worse so wont get better unless I am treated better, vicious circle
I dont want to or intend to make excuses or anything or wallow in self pity I just want to feel somewhat ok or good about myself then increase that feeling to every part of my life to make it gradually better and better but am unable to due to the way I am treated.
I used to enjoy even the simple things in life like reading a book, watching a movie, and used to use weights a lot or go for a long walk for miles, now I have no morale or motivation though I still go for walks, they are random could be not at all for 2-3 months then 2-3 times in one week since the only way I can get a tiny bit of motivation is to actually do something so when I do it feels slightly normal, but the second I stop it unless a situation comes up again where I have to do it I wont.
Just confused to my own feeling right now and need some advice.
Dont say go to doctors btw, have tried various doctors at various surgeries in 4 towns around country where I have lived last few years who just seem indifferent and say just do some exercise or go for a walk to feel better.