Girls and Casual Sex - I can't decide what to do!

I've only ever slept with one guy, mainly because I attract two distinct types of guys - confident but serious geeky guys who are successful and have integrity and I could probably end up with one day when I'm sensible, but just don't feel the passion to date right now, and very good-looking, very very arrogant guys who consider themselves 'lads' and see women as conquests - but I'm more attracted to these men! So unsurprisingly, apart from a relatively successful two year relationship with someone unlike either of the above types, my love life hasn't been a great success.

Why I only attract men like that (and its usually the second kind) is a whole other issue, but I think the reason I haven't slept with any of them is their attitude to women. I would be quite open to the idea of casual sex if it was respectful and I felt in control. But I don't know if that's ever really possible. I don't want to sound like a control freak, when I am actually dating people I am quite balanced and laid-back, but I absolutely hate the idea of a guy bragging to his friends about having 'had' me. I guess other girls don't have this attitude to one night stands or they wouldn't have them - maybe they (some of you on here?) don't analyse as much as me, or have been less exposed to horrible 'laddish' men?

I have begun dealing with this by having attempted one night stands where I have the power eg I will go back to a guy's place and make out, let him give me one or two orgasms but not touch him, and then tell him I don't want to go any further and leave. I don't think this is unfair because I am kind of lagging behind the man in all of this, as soon as he invites me back to his I say "I'm not comfortable with casual sex" etc etc, and if he thinks he can change my mind he will learn the hard way (heh) that he can't. And this isn't entirely premeditated - I just go along with things to a point where I don't feel comfortable.

Recently I had the above situation - a particularly fun version - with a guy at my uni, and he is keen to keep seeing me on a casual basis. He has an enormous reputation in my social circle and I'm kind of put off by that. It is pretty extreme, the numbers and stories about him. But at least it seems like he has a really great attitude to women & sex than the other 'lads' I've been seeing - he genuinely loves pleasuring women and sees them as equals sexually. So should I keep seeing him/sleep with him? Or if I feel so worked up about it anyway, maybe casual sex isn't right for me? I do think it would be fun though. I need some advice!

Girls, please tell me about your casual sex experiences and if it's all worked out for you. I'd appreciate male thoughts too if you've had similar experiences, and especially if you are a guy who has one night stands but isn't a d!ck about it.

Reply 1

mau5

13

Tl;Dr. I'm a cocktease.

Reply 2

moaty...it's gazza

5

You seem to be a misandrist, not all guys who are 'lads' use sex as an ego boost. I would think of myself as a lad to the extent that I play sport, hang out with the guys, enjoy banter and the other stereotypical male things to do but I dont go around bragging about who I've had sex with and not many of my mates do. It tends to be the guys who are least liked that do it as a means of trying to get accepted but usually backfires. Also you cant blame the guys for talking **** about you if you use them for your own gain as you clearly do. I'm guessing you brag about them far more than they brag about you

Reply 3

ohwhatalovely

OP

Original post by moaty...it's gazza

You seem to be a misandrist, not all guys who are 'lads' use sex as an ego boost. I would think of myself as a lad to the extent that I play sport, hang out with the guys, enjoy banter and the other stereotypical male things to do but I dont go around bragging about who I've had sex with and not many of my mates do. It tends to be the guys who are least liked that do it as a means of trying to get accepted but usually backfires. Also you cant blame the guys for talking **** about you if you use them for your own gain as you clearly do. I'm guessing you brag about them far more than they brag about you

I'm sure you're right, but those aren't the men that go for me. The men in my recent past have been pretty awful - offensively huge egos, they have pursued me, told me lots of lies (anything to get me into bed) and 2 of them I have later found out had girlfriends at the time. I am feeling really vulnerable at the moment which is why I am so defensive. I'm sure when I get into a proper relationship that will evaporate, but until then I need to look after myself.

Reply 4

black_mamba

14

Original post by ohwhatalovely

I have begun dealing with this by having attempted one night stands where I have the power eg I will go back to a guy's place and make out, let him give me one or two orgasms but not touch him, and then tell him I don't want to go any further and leave.

I stopped reading at this point. WTF has this got to do with having 'power' - there is no power play in casual sex, no one has power over the other. You just need to be open about your intentions from the start, safe, responsible, and respectful. What you did is just selfish.

I've been getting a huge bashing on another thread here for having lots of casual sex, but my point there, which is relevant here, is that you need to be confident and in control of what you're doing. What you're doing is manipulative and nasty. It's not healthy and will end in disaster. What's wrong in going for more sensible guys?! :confused:

Reply 5

noobynoo

6

Have you tried lesbianism? Then you can have sex with loads of people on an "equal" level which sounds like what you want. And they will be respectful to you.
But of course some butch lesbians are just as much "lads" as any men out there.

Reply 6

ohwhatalovely

OP

Original post by black_mamba

I stopped reading at this point. WTF has this got to do with having 'power' - there is no power play in casual sex, no one has power over the other. You just need to be open about your intentions from the start, safe, responsible, and respectful. What you did is just selfish.

I've been getting a huge bashing on another thread here for having lots of casual sex, but my point there, which is relevant here, is that you need to be confident and in control of what you're doing. What you're doing is manipulative and nasty. It's not healthy and will end in disaster. What's wrong in going for more sensible guys?! :confused:

I wish it was that simple, but I just had a look at that other thread and I find a lot of what the guys in there were saying offensive, and it backs up what I'm thinking about here. It's evidence that we don't actually have sexual equality at the moment, until men start having more respect for women's sexuality.

I'm not with the sensible-option guys because those that have been in my life recently just haven't done it for me! I'm a very romantic and passionate person and I'd rather be single than not have the spark there. The other men aren't relationship material - and in the context I meet them in, clubs etc, don't see me as relationship material - but I want some excitement in my life as being single for ages gets boring...

Reply 7

moaty...it's gazza

5

Original post by ohwhatalovely

I'm sure you're right, but those aren't the men that go for me. The men in my recent past have been pretty awful - offensively huge egos, they have pursued me, told me lots of lies (anything to get me into bed) and 2 of them I have later found out had girlfriends at the time. I am feeling really vulnerable at the moment which is why I am so defensive. I'm sure when I get into a proper relationship that will evaporate, but until then I need to look after myself.

Are you sure they're the ONLY guys that try and chat you up or are they the only ones you allow to try? What about these guys who you have lead on, how do you know they're dckheads if you kick them out when your done? It's not as if they're gonna text you back the next day to ask you out, if you've kicked them out.
And if they are the only ones than where are you going to meet guys?

Girls and Casual Sex - I can't decide what to do!

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