My boyfriend won't talk about his past
My boyfriend won't talk to me about his past and I can't seem to get over it. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year, and he hasn't even shared his ex girlfriend's name with me.
I am a sharer - to me it is the only basis of a close relationship where your partner is your best friend. Because he won't mention his past experiences with women at all, we never talk about his feelings or emotions or what he wants out of life, what he has learned from past relationships, what he wants from a relationship, what disappointments he has had in his life. He avoids those kind of conversations completely.
He feels like a complete stranger to me still, after nearly a year - I don't feel he confides anything in me. As a result, I can't trust him at all. At first I tried to tell him about my past - for me, that is like giving myself to him and telling him who I am as a result of my experiences, but he didn't really want to know and didn't reciprocate. I ended up feeling rejected, and hated making myself vulnerable to him when he wouldn't tell me stuff, so I just don't talk to him about anything personal or that matters to me. I wanted him to open up to me so much, and all he said when I did ask about his past is that that was something you talked about with your male friends and then left behind you. Then he closed the subject. He even showed me a photo of him when he was 15, a group photo, where he covered one person up with his thumb so I couldn't see her. Like I'd be jealous of something so many years ago?
I don't know any of his sexual history, how many partners, etc. He expects me to take him on trust. If he was 21, maybe, but he is in his thirties and it isn't like you can just expect to start again with a clean slate at that age.
With both my ex boyfriends I had a relationship where we talked and shared easily. I don't know how to cope with a man who is like this.
A few months ago he took me on holiday to a cottage he told me he'd been to before, though he didn't tell me when or with who. Since he was taking me there, I assumed it was a few years before, but when we got there he told me he'd been there less than a year before. He had to tell me this because the cottage owner, who greeted us, recognised him and said she remembered him from last year. Then she looked at me and said she didn't remember me. I felt so humiliated. I looked in the visitor book for the year before, and found a comment his ex had written with her name. He took me lots of places, saying "when I was here before" and completely wrote her out of his past visit. It made me so uncomfortable and resentful.
I'd like to point out that I'm not a jealous woman. My ex used to travel to visit one ex he'd stayed friends with and stay over with her and it never bothered me. But I like to know where I'm up to, his past has an impact on our relationship, and I would like to feel like we were friends and not just lovers. I'm so hurt, I'm starting to really resent him.
Any advice? Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
I am a sharer - to me it is the only basis of a close relationship where your partner is your best friend. Because he won't mention his past experiences with women at all, we never talk about his feelings or emotions or what he wants out of life, what he has learned from past relationships, what he wants from a relationship, what disappointments he has had in his life. He avoids those kind of conversations completely.
He feels like a complete stranger to me still, after nearly a year - I don't feel he confides anything in me. As a result, I can't trust him at all. At first I tried to tell him about my past - for me, that is like giving myself to him and telling him who I am as a result of my experiences, but he didn't really want to know and didn't reciprocate. I ended up feeling rejected, and hated making myself vulnerable to him when he wouldn't tell me stuff, so I just don't talk to him about anything personal or that matters to me. I wanted him to open up to me so much, and all he said when I did ask about his past is that that was something you talked about with your male friends and then left behind you. Then he closed the subject. He even showed me a photo of him when he was 15, a group photo, where he covered one person up with his thumb so I couldn't see her. Like I'd be jealous of something so many years ago?
I don't know any of his sexual history, how many partners, etc. He expects me to take him on trust. If he was 21, maybe, but he is in his thirties and it isn't like you can just expect to start again with a clean slate at that age.
With both my ex boyfriends I had a relationship where we talked and shared easily. I don't know how to cope with a man who is like this.
A few months ago he took me on holiday to a cottage he told me he'd been to before, though he didn't tell me when or with who. Since he was taking me there, I assumed it was a few years before, but when we got there he told me he'd been there less than a year before. He had to tell me this because the cottage owner, who greeted us, recognised him and said she remembered him from last year. Then she looked at me and said she didn't remember me. I felt so humiliated. I looked in the visitor book for the year before, and found a comment his ex had written with her name. He took me lots of places, saying "when I was here before" and completely wrote her out of his past visit. It made me so uncomfortable and resentful.
I'd like to point out that I'm not a jealous woman. My ex used to travel to visit one ex he'd stayed friends with and stay over with her and it never bothered me. But I like to know where I'm up to, his past has an impact on our relationship, and I would like to feel like we were friends and not just lovers. I'm so hurt, I'm starting to really resent him.
Any advice? Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
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Not everyone is an open person. Some people like to keep certain things to themselves, and in your boyfriend's case that seems to include his past. Speaking as someone who is much the same, I would say you are being unreasonable - you don't need to know everything about him. It may be that there are deep sorrows he doesn't wish to discuss or that he just wants to live for the future, not in events gone. His life then doesn't actually have an impact on you, so it's not like you need to know.
Unfortunately, very rarely do people who are open get on well in the long-run with people who aren't. He is probably aware that this bothers you and makes you resent him, and honestly in his position, I'd be inclined to end it with you and find someone who wouldn't bother me to share my past.
Unfortunately, very rarely do people who are open get on well in the long-run with people who aren't. He is probably aware that this bothers you and makes you resent him, and honestly in his position, I'd be inclined to end it with you and find someone who wouldn't bother me to share my past.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, this sounds very odd to me. How old are you? Have you seen any of his pictures when he was a child? Have you met his family? I don't really know what to suggest to help, but I don't see how this relationship is being sustained. How did you end up getting in a relationship together in the first place?
My ex was just like that and it drove me to distraction. I've always been an open book and he knew everything about my past. He told me very little and what he did tell me left me wondering lots of things. I'm now questioning whether he was 'emotionally' cheating on me with other girls because he seemed to be so secretive about who he talks to on the internet, even when I asked him about it.
I have learnt from this, that I cannot be with someone who doesn't open up and is honest and truthful about their feelings and thoughts. I'd ask him questions about how he feels and he's shrug and say 'I'm fine'. But really, God knows what was going on inside his head.
In terms of your OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I just think you're a normal, healthy woman who is able to express herself, with a boyfriend who can't open up to people - which is not healthy imo.
You can't change people. That's also something I've learned whilst in my first relationship - there's no point resenting who your boyfriend is, because he'll never change. Your resentment will get worse until it destroys your relationship.
What you do is up to you.
I have learnt from this, that I cannot be with someone who doesn't open up and is honest and truthful about their feelings and thoughts. I'd ask him questions about how he feels and he's shrug and say 'I'm fine'. But really, God knows what was going on inside his head.
In terms of your OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I just think you're a normal, healthy woman who is able to express herself, with a boyfriend who can't open up to people - which is not healthy imo.
You can't change people. That's also something I've learned whilst in my first relationship - there's no point resenting who your boyfriend is, because he'll never change. Your resentment will get worse until it destroys your relationship.
What you do is up to you.
Original post by Anonymous
to be honest with u i know guys like the back of my hand i've been cheated on so many times i've finally found the man of my dreams and he tells me everything. frm wot it sounds like i dnt mean 2 be rude or disrespectful or anything but ur bf is cheating on u DEFO! check his phone, his facebook, his emails everything DO NOT fall in love with him till u r sure hes not cheating
past is in the past. The person you are now is all that matters
Original post by Ilora-Danon
My ex was just like that and it drove me to distraction. I've always been an open book and he knew everything about my past. He told me very little and what he did tell me left me wondering lots of things. I'm now questioning whether he was 'emotionally' cheating on me with other girls because he seemed to be so secretive about who he talks to on the internet, even when I asked him about it.
I have learnt from this, that I cannot be with someone who doesn't open up and is honest and truthful about their feelings and thoughts. I'd ask him questions about how he feels and he's shrug and say 'I'm fine'. But really, God knows what was going on inside his head.
In terms of your OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I just think you're a normal, healthy woman who is able to express herself, with a boyfriend who can't open up to people - which is not healthy imo.
You can't change people. That's also something I've learned whilst in my first relationship - there's no point resenting who your boyfriend is, because he'll never change. Your resentment will get worse until it destroys your relationship.
What you do is up to you.
I have learnt from this, that I cannot be with someone who doesn't open up and is honest and truthful about their feelings and thoughts. I'd ask him questions about how he feels and he's shrug and say 'I'm fine'. But really, God knows what was going on inside his head.
In terms of your OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I just think you're a normal, healthy woman who is able to express herself, with a boyfriend who can't open up to people - which is not healthy imo.
You can't change people. That's also something I've learned whilst in my first relationship - there's no point resenting who your boyfriend is, because he'll never change. Your resentment will get worse until it destroys your relationship.
What you do is up to you.
I agree with this most of all. My boyfriend also says 'I'm fine'. I don't have a clue what is going on inside his head, whereas with my ex I could tell what he was thinking just by the expression on his face.
My current boyfriend isn't a chatty person. He only calls me when he's doing something else, like walking somewhere or cooking. He doesn't focus on having conversation with me, and I can tell when he does have to discuss anything personal with him that it is horrendously difficult for him. I feel really guilty for resenting him because I somehow feel it is all my fault because he hasn't done anything obviously wrong. He is affectionate, he cooks me lovely food, etc. Just somehow without sharing those things I feel I might as well be some interchangeable Stepford wife. He doesn't know me, and doesn't seem interested in going any deeper than the surface.
I know deep down I can't change him, which is why I don't badger him about his past or opening up to me and very rarely raise those subjects. But I can't change either, and I need those things. All along, no matter how in love with him I have been, I have felt like something very vital was missing from our relationship. I thought it would grow with time, but now I don't think it will.
It saddens me so much because when I started seeing him I thought he was a man I could settle down with - he shared my intellectual interests and he is kind and considerate. Everyone loves him and he appears to be the perfect boyfriend, and I feel very emotionally attached to him but I can't make a life with someone who can't be my best friend and share his innermost thoughts with me, or share mine
So? Leave him alone. Maybe it's something he doesn't want to talk about. Just because you two are partner it does not mean you share absolutely everything.
Original post by jojosephine
past is in the past. The person you are now is all that matters
But you became the person you are now by living through your past. And the past is a reference point that you use to explain and express your feelings about life.
Original post by Anonymous
But you became the person you are now by living through your past. And the past is a reference point that you use to explain and express your feelings about life.
Do you like the person he is now?
It's not good to know everything about peoples past. I imagine if I shared everything with my gf she'd have doubts about our relationship, and if she shared everything with me I'd feel much the same.
As long as he doesn't have an STI, or a past which could mean you'd get hurt, then it's nothing to do with you and probably best for you not to know.
As long as he doesn't have an STI, or a past which could mean you'd get hurt, then it's nothing to do with you and probably best for you not to know.
Original post by oscarwildelike
It's not good to know everything about peoples past. I imagine if I shared everything with my gf she'd have doubts about our relationship, and if she shared everything with me I'd feel much the same.
As long as he doesn't have an STI, or a past which could mean you'd get hurt, then it's nothing to do with you and probably best for you not to know.
As long as he doesn't have an STI, or a past which could mean you'd get hurt, then it's nothing to do with you and probably best for you not to know.
See, I can't deal with not knowing. It plays with my mind and I can't let it alone.
Knowing I can deal with. I knew my ex had slept with a couple of hundred women in his early twenties before he started to settle down. I never cared. I doubt because of what I don't know, not what I know.
If he won't open up at all, how can the two of you get closer? Although he doesn't sound like he's going to change, so you either have to learn to put up with it or leave.
Not everyone are that open and want to forget their past. It's been a year, but perhaps after even longer, he will talk to you about it. Just refuse to share more of your past, if you can.
He has made the absolute right decision - from experience many women end up with feelings of jealousy/inadequacy/fear when learning about their boyfriend's past. He may have experienced the repercussions of having told a previous girl about his past before.
It's best not to enquire. Just be happy that he is with you now and leave it at that.
It's best not to enquire. Just be happy that he is with you now and leave it at that.
He probably murdered or raped his ex or something.
(edited 13 years ago)
Original post by HighestKungFu
He has made the absolute right decision - from experience many women end up with feelings of jealousy/inadequacy/fear when learning about their boyfriend's past. He may have experienced the repercussions of having told a previous girl about his past before.
It's best not to enquire. Just be happy that he is with you now and leave it at that.
It's best not to enquire. Just be happy that he is with you now and leave it at that.
I can't be, I can't be happy with it. I've explained I'm not jealous, or insecure, or worried. He could have carried on having feelings for and sleeping with his ex well into his relationship with me and if we could talk about it and discuss it openly I'd deal with it. But not sharing I can't deal with. I'm going to have one last talk to him and tell him how I feel, that it affects all aspects of our relationship for me. If that doesn't help, I'm just going to have to finish it with him, however nice to me he is and whatever my hopes were early on in the relationship.
It doesn't help that I work with him (started doing so since I started seeing him). I work with people who met his ex. Friends at work tell me he was openly commenting on their split at work, and making jokes. So he'll talk to comparative strangers, but apparently not to me.
Original post by Anonymous
I can't be, I can't be happy with it. I've explained I'm not jealous, or insecure, or worried. He could have carried on having feelings for and sleeping with his ex well into his relationship with me and if we could talk about it and discuss it openly I'd deal with it. But not sharing I can't deal with. I'm going to have one last talk to him and tell him how I feel, that it affects all aspects of our relationship for me. If that doesn't help, I'm just going to have to finish it with him, however nice to me he is and whatever my hopes were early on in the relationship.
It doesn't help that I work with him (started doing so since I started seeing him). I work with people who met his ex. Friends at work tell me he was openly commenting on their split at work, and making jokes. So he'll talk to comparative strangers, but apparently not to me.
It doesn't help that I work with him (started doing so since I started seeing him). I work with people who met his ex. Friends at work tell me he was openly commenting on their split at work, and making jokes. So he'll talk to comparative strangers, but apparently not to me.
as I said before, you are VERY different people. some people don't just want to talk about it, share their thoughts/experiences
and because strangers won't ask tiny details or ask again in a month or care, just give advice
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