Would like advice on my break up? Sorry its long :/

I feel really silly turning to a forum to ask for advice.. but desperate times call for desperate measures!! Heres the story..

im turning 18 in a couple weeks and my now exboyfriend is 18 (lets call him bob). We've known eachother and gone to the same schools since we were 8. (we havent always been close, just knew of eachother as it is a smallish town.) Since we were about 15, the whole romance started. Ill be blatently honest, i have had a lot of guys attracted to me, but i dont take it seriously.. So, bob.. and I started off as friends and he was just another guy friend that fell for me, told me all these lovely things.. then admitted hes falling in love. I flipped, saying we were too young and not to be offended as i didnt really feel the same way. I suppose i was sort of anti-young love. As time went on though, out of all the guys.. i did fall for him. REALLY DEEP. Despite him not being the brightest, funniest, whatever.. we had a chemistry. We ended up getting really deep and serious for over 2 years. Ended up planning the rest our lives together.. in detail. I know i know, bad idea. But neither of us are idiots and knew this was just a possibility. Anyway, so i had the best two years of my life, and so did he apparently. Everyone -his friends, my friends etc always said how hes far more into me than i was him.. This was true until about the past year.

Long story short, we were really really in love. Everyone always told me i could do better (im fairly attractive, fairly intelligent -(heading off to medical school in a few months hopefully), im generally a decent person that likes doing good deeds ha :smile:

) Bob, is also a lovely guy.. hes attractive too, but doesnt get as much attention as me i suppose, hes not really that clever, but all that mattered to me was that he was a nice guy. Now, we had the best possible relationship and felt so so grateful! We were really in love, and did a lot together. A typical day would involve sending 100 texts to each other, most likely seeing eachother and perhaps a good night phone call. I still had a balanced life and managed to fit in my school work, got straight As.. my extra curricular stuff, my part time job, had quite an active social life with friends and managed to spend time with the family too. Sounds like the perfect life right? It really was, and i am so grateful.

Recently, he called me sobbing, and broke up with me. Why? because he said things wont work out.. i admit we did argue more than normal but it was little trivial stuff that i dont even remember. This lasted 5 days (of absolute hell! - no eating, sleeping etc on my end atleast) Then we got back together. This time i was really weary of it all, we were together for a month till i asked to have a chat because i felt that most days he was being half-hearted about it. During this chat, we broke up... he felt guilty that he was affecting me so much, i was so upset when we had little arguments etc, and that it was affecting my education - i could no longer concentrate in lessons.

Its been a month now since we broke up, and time isnt healing my wounds. I dont know what to do? i still cant eat - i have lost so much weight, i constantly feel mentally fatigued and faint, im failing at school, i have exams in less than a month - i can kiss goodbye my place at medical school. Each day, is only getting harder as i feel us distancing more and more. There is literally no excitement in my life. I recently passed my driving test and bought a new car, i should be very excited but im not? Since the breakup, i have only left the house for school, part-time job or other commitments i cant get out of whereas he has gone out met new people etc. Both our families want us to be friends, as do we.. but im not sure i can do this? each time i see him it relights the feelings.. but when i avoid him, im still miserable. I really want to feel normal but i dont know how? The only reason we have broken up is because he doesnt think itll work out in the long run and doesnt want to hurt me. He admitted he is still very much in love with me and that i always will mean the world to him, but it wont work out forever so despite not wanting to do this, we have to apparently. When i said about the possibility of getting back together one day, in months to come he said that idea was nice but for now its best for the both of us to not be together. I wont be waiting forever though..

I just need some advice please?! How do i find the energy to pick myself up and get on with my other commitments and be able to revise for these exams etc?
sorry its so long!

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Reply 1

Anonymous #1

I really dont know how to go about it, iv considered blocking him out of my life completely for the time being.. then we can be friends again once the feelings are gone but i cant do this, we have too many mutual friends, some lessons together, will have to see other in social situations etc. But each time i see him it only makes it harder. Im forcing food down me these days, and im making myself study.. but my mind is elsewhere, i cannot concentrate.And bottom line is, regardless of whati do, im just failing! i realise i have exams in a less than a month.. but i feel so helpless!

Reply 2

aws

wow, can't believe I read it all, and 90% of that you didn't need to add

for others = apparently 'shes a catch' and he was 'not amazing' but loved him anyway.

they broke up, and she feels like crap.

how can she not feel so crap and get on with exams, etc ..

Vodka

i know, sorry its long!

i hate feeling like this?! iv always been so independant, im generally a very optimistic, positive person and i ALWAYS find a reason to be happy and make other people happy too. But now, i can see my life falling to pieces.. i love this guy SO much, i knew when we broke up it would be bad, but i didnt realise itd be THIS bad, i feel like i just cant function?!

I constantly feel unwell, the best i feel is still really ****. Anyone have any advice on how to go about this? I think the hardest thing is that i cant find a reason to dislike him, hes done nothing wrong! And i cant help but link everything that happens in my life to him.. iv always been so strong but right now im anything but..

Any advice at all guys?

Reply 5

aws

is this your first break up?

Reply 6

s12dec10

Original post by aws

is this your first break up?

yeah, it is. I was never the type to get into relationships but this just happened.. and i have to admit it was amazing! he made me feel so good, hes partly the reason i am who i am today, because he made me so happy.. i was able to do well in other aspects of my life. Im trying to find my own identity again but its hard because we are still friends.. we still talk if we see eachother, but theres boundaries. I just dont know where the boundaries are! Hes accidently called me "babe" Old habits die hard eh!

some people dont even know we've broken up, we arent the type to broadcast things on facebook or whatever. its just really really hard.. Everyone tells me im the best he'll never get again and he will regret this in time etc.. but it does not help one bit! I just need helpful advice?! I just want to feel normal again. I've always loved socialising and going out, but right now its the last thing i want to do. Alcohol? yccch. (i know right, whats wrong with me?!) Im already getting tons of male attention.. but i dont want it?! Despite me saying.. "iv just got out of a serious relationship guys" makes no difference. I mean yea, compliments are flattering.. momentarily. But who do i think of first thing int he morning, last thing before bed.. and in every other thought through the day.. i dont know how to remove him from my thoughts. Right now, if i look around my room, theres a ton of thigs that link to him.. either because he bought me it, hes commented on it, or theres just some story that links him to it.

Im always optimistic, but right now life does suck?! and it feels like itll be this way forever. Im sure theres other decent guys out there.. but they simple are not HIM.

Reply 7

Who'd_Have_Known

Honestly, it will get better. I've actually just gone through a break up myself, but I had an experience similar to yours when I was younger. I met a guy when I was 14, we were together from when I was 15, and we were together for around 3 1/2 years. During that time, just after the 2 year mark and again 7-ish months after that, we broke up for short periods of time. The second time was around 3 months, and I was absolutely devestated. I couldn't move on at all, I saw him with new people and it tore me apart. It was right before my A-levels and I found it so hard to concentrate through my exams. Then we got back together again, for a while, before breaking up for the final time. And that time, it was ok. It hurt, yes, and I missed him, but I'd finally accepted that we weren't meant to be. It is really, really hard at first and it is best to spend time apart. Trying to be friends too quickly can work only in the most amicable of break-ups. Otherwise you need to spend time away from each other, and then eventually, when it doesn't hurt anymore, then you are ready to be friends. I'm now able to chat to that ex-boyfriend as a friend and feel completely normal around him, yet there was a time when I could never have imagined that.

Reply 8

Roo Bix

Unless you want to pick yourself up and move on, you wont. The hardest thing is to find self-motivation.

From reading, it sounds like you're maintaining a firm grip on something that is unfortunately over. Seeing him is an incentive to think about him naturally, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to associate seeing him with negative emotion, such as loss, what could have been, rather, we had some good times and I'm glad I shared them with this person.

He says he will always love you and to take away that is something far more better than taking away nothing at all.

Here's a question. If Bob was to have never existed, what would you be doing right now.

Reply 9

s12dec10

Original post by Roo Bix

I know your right.. but i cannot believe how hard i am finding this?! Is there anything i can do to make things better. I hate self-pity so i dont even talk to my friends about this, and also because they dont understand, they'd just try and compare it to their experiences (which lasted a few weeks or something) I dont blame them, its not their fault they dont feel what i do. I have too much self dignity to go back begging.. but is there a way i can make him really want me back? or am i just being silly..

Reply 10

DustNBones

I remember this is almost exactly how I felt when I had my first heart break. I remember for months I would barely eat anything, I couldn't sleep, I lost a lot of weight... It was awful.

I really feel for you OP, but this is sort of pain can take a long time to heal, I didn't start feeling better until about 3 months had passed but I promise you, YOU will get through this and it will get better.

Try going out with some friends, you might not feel like seeing anyone but hanging out with friends really helps. Do things to try and take your mind off the situation. You need to start thinking about your future, where you want to go in life and that means revising for your exams. Try and revise in short bursts, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck OP, I hope this helps :smile:

Reply 11

Roo Bix

Original post by s12dec10

There are lots of things that might cheer you up. But the question is will you allow them to make you feel better? Because everything can seem so pointless and irrelevant for you right now, even though they might make you feel better.

Reply 12

s12dec10

I know he genuinely liked me A LOT, and i am not a bad person, i dont want to make him jealous by getting with other guys or whatever. I just want him to regret this and give us another go. Because he liked me very much, surely there is a way for me to influence him enough? But like i said, i have too much pride to go crying back and say whats really happening (cant eat, sleep, work, function etc)

Sometimes iv gotten so close to calling him and being really angry/upset/etc but iv stopped myself everytime.

Is it better to let him see me being giggly and happy? or is it best to be honest? i really do not know?! Also should i text himor is that a major mistake.. sometimes i think we should atleast be friends so it wont be as hard on us.. but then being friendly is so close to being like how we were!

Also, i hate reading things id rather not know on his facebook etc.. i got tempted to delete him but how childish would that be, its not like i can cut him out of my life.. we have a lot of mutual friends.. and i cant avoid him in school or social situations.

And to top it all off, a big group of us is going on holiday this summer after our a-levels.. but its him and all his friends, and me.. a couple of those friends are "mutual" but its mainly his friends.. im going on a different holiday with my girls. I dont know what to do about that?! Iv already paid a huge chunk of it. But i feel going on that holiday will be a mistake, it will relight the emotions..

Reply 13

s12dec10

Original post by Roo Bix

Yes, im trying so hard to feel normal! i admit, the days, weeks infact after this happened i just wanted to get in my bed and cry! But now, i NEED to feel better, i cant mess up my future because of just one guy (that i happened to be VERY MUCH in love with but thats besides the point)

Is there anything i can do? or do i just have to wait it out? And i know this sounds really bad but.. Is there a way to make him miss me more? to make him want me back?

Reply 14

aws

Original post by s12dec10

there's always hooking up with someone else to make him jealous?

jealously tends to work a lot.

Reply 15

Roo Bix

Original post by s12dec10

Read what you are writing. You already acknowledge that you need to feel better, now all you need to do is do something that will make you feel better (without the attachments that it might not, and that you will still think about him).

Original post by aws

there's always hooking up with someone else to make him jealous?

jealously tends to work a lot.

This.. is true. :judge:

But unethical. Why go out to be someone you're not with someone that you are essentially going to hurt the feelings of?

Reply 16

aws

Original post by Roo Bix

But unethical. Why go out to be someone you're not with someone that you are essentially going to hurt the feelings of?

meh.

OP I'm bored, and wouldn't mind 'faking it' to make him jealous?

Reply 17

s12dec10

Original post by Roo Bix

But unethical. Why go out to be someone you're not with someone that you are essentially going to hurt the feelings of?

Ahh i dont want to hurt anyones feelings!! I just want to get back with my ex SO much!! but obviously, not at the cost of losing my dignity. I hate feeling helpless.. id rather try and fail than not try at all! So is there any way at all i can make him miss me and want me back? Obviously the sooner the better but im not expecting a miracle to happen over night or anything. When i basically cut contact with him for a while apart from the passing hello.. he text me saying he misses the best friend within me. But he also said hes got feelings for me etc.. i thought i was doing it for the best?!

I mean if weve both got such strong feelings for eachother, surely being around each other is not a good thing because we wont get over this. OR, worst case scenario, i wont get over it.. and he will. i know how much i liked him, and i know its not something ill get over quickly.. but its been slightly over a month now and i feel no better than i did minutes after the break up. If im honest, its only getting worse...

What would you lot do now if you were in my situation?

(thanks for your replies by the way guys!)

Reply 18

s12dec10

Original post by aws

meh.

OP I'm bored, and wouldn't mind 'faking it' to make him jealous?

i dont get what you mean?
your bored so you wouldnt mind faking it? or do you mean me? and faking what? i cant fake a relationship with someone else.. and i dont really want to get in a relationship right now to be honest, it would only be a rebound..