So I've always been shy - all of my school reports say 'quiet' 'needs to participate is discussions more' etc etc. I always thought it would get better as I got older.
But now I'm at uni and it seems no better. A 'shy' friend of mine has become so unbelievably confident since coming to uni - she goes out most nights and is now so much more animated. I, however, stay in my room every night and haven't really made any friends.
I know shy people usually say that they find it hard to speak to 'strangers', but become more confident once they get to know people more. I don't really find this, though. I feel more confident talking to a complete stranger than I do speaking to people I've known for a while (though in such situations these 'strangers' eg; in a volunteering report, or friends of parents etc, say that I do seem 'very shy', despite me feeling that I am behaving much more confidently than usual).
When I am around pretty much everyone, I feel incredibly awkward and I can never think of anything at all to say, and am constantly thinking how boring I must seem. I literally only feel 'myself' with 4 people - my mum, dad, nan and best friend (though even with them I can only ever show 'positive emotions' - I never allow myself to show negative emotions like getting angry, or telling people when I am upset etc). If you asked anyone who knows me to describe my emotions they'd tell you I was pretty level - never overly happy/enthusiastic and never sad or angry - despite the fact I may feel this inside, I can never show it.
I say I feel lonely, and everyone says 'so go out and meet people and make friends', though I consciously avoid going out to social situations. Even though I'm lonely and I don't like it, I'd still rather be in my room by myself than going out with people I 'half-know'. And - this feels terrible - there's a few people I'd call my friends, though I still feel to awkward around them to even walk back from a class with them - I'd much rather walk by myself than have to try to be interesting or make conversation....I'm worried I'll never 'meet anyone', as I've never had a boyfriend and haven't made any 'proper' friends (meaning those I am myself with) since primary school.
In a similar respect, I cannot open up to anyone when speaking directly to them. I can only ever say how I am feeling about anything if I write it down or email them, etc. I basically avoid commenting on my feelings - I don't know why - it just feels as though I shouldn't be feeling certain ways sometimes, and that it's embarrassing or a nuisance.
Basically, what I am getting at is, do you think I am just 'shy', or do you think that there could be a more psychological explanation for my rubbishly-awkward socialness? And does anyone else out there feel the same as me?