Feeling rather lost.
No idea why feeling rather lost.
Last night my gf asked me to be by her as she wanted to have a long talk. Such talks been on going and usually in passing.
She started out asking if I loved her, whether I enjoyed being in relationship with her and whether I felt there was a future together. I told her yes to all 3. She said she felt the same way as well.
But she said she wanted more assurances and security as well as stability, of the legal kind. She said her main worries was :-
She feels I am always in constant contact with much more "eligible" women from all over the world, it is easy for me or one of them to go after me.
She never realized it up until recently I had near zero emotional attachment to live where I am now. (The background to this is, I am not from the UK and I can leave any time I want with zero trouble and she is certain if I left I would not take her.)
She never realized it was so easy for me to get work elsewhere and she is worried I would just jump ship and go without her. (Background to this is I had a job offer 2 months ago to be based in China and was about to go.)
The relationship is very important to her, but she feels insecure because I have the career, money and resources that she feels threatened by because she has none of it.
I asked her to say it what would make her feel best........ well she proposed. Now feeling a bit upset she proposed as I long had an impression in my mind how I would have liked it done.... and now truly it seems like she has been the proposer every single time, when we became friends, she initiated the contact, when we became bf/gf it was also her who initiated it......... now even this she did it.
Oh yes it was not a joke either, this morning she already changed the Facebook relationship status and this time she made sure I change mine as well.
------------------------
Now comes the bigger problem.
My parents - They do not approve of the relationship. When they found out I was in relationship with her they said don't talk to them again unless she is gone, they even offered to pay her £15000 to break up with me, she told them to keep the money.
They have never met her, they don't even want to know her. Basically it is a race issue primarily. Even if they came to terms that she is white, they would never come to terms that she isn't the ideal daughter-in-law, their version of an ideal :-
1) She is of the correct race and religion.
2) She comes from a family background of equal wealth standing as them (no chance)
3) She is similarly qualified (Can be a potential, but not at this time)
4) She earns at least 80% of what I do. (She has no interest in this)
They are very class conscious (think of how UK was prior to WW1, they are not far off from there) and they used to drum this idea into my head all the time, but I forgot about it the moment I met my gf.
Since am the only child, I would really like them to be there on that day, but I seriously have no idea how to even make this work.
---------------------------------
Finally it dawns on me that everyone will start thinking I am with her because I want to stay in UK
I am in UK now because of my work.
TLDR : My gf is wanting more in the relationship, will include lots of legal implications and I am willing to let her have it, but parents would be very against it and I am feeling lost.
Last night my gf asked me to be by her as she wanted to have a long talk. Such talks been on going and usually in passing.
She started out asking if I loved her, whether I enjoyed being in relationship with her and whether I felt there was a future together. I told her yes to all 3. She said she felt the same way as well.
But she said she wanted more assurances and security as well as stability, of the legal kind. She said her main worries was :-
She feels I am always in constant contact with much more "eligible" women from all over the world, it is easy for me or one of them to go after me.
She never realized it up until recently I had near zero emotional attachment to live where I am now. (The background to this is, I am not from the UK and I can leave any time I want with zero trouble and she is certain if I left I would not take her.)
She never realized it was so easy for me to get work elsewhere and she is worried I would just jump ship and go without her. (Background to this is I had a job offer 2 months ago to be based in China and was about to go.)
The relationship is very important to her, but she feels insecure because I have the career, money and resources that she feels threatened by because she has none of it.
I asked her to say it what would make her feel best........ well she proposed. Now feeling a bit upset she proposed as I long had an impression in my mind how I would have liked it done.... and now truly it seems like she has been the proposer every single time, when we became friends, she initiated the contact, when we became bf/gf it was also her who initiated it......... now even this she did it.
Oh yes it was not a joke either, this morning she already changed the Facebook relationship status and this time she made sure I change mine as well. ------------------------
Now comes the bigger problem.
My parents - They do not approve of the relationship. When they found out I was in relationship with her they said don't talk to them again unless she is gone, they even offered to pay her £15000 to break up with me, she told them to keep the money.
They have never met her, they don't even want to know her. Basically it is a race issue primarily. Even if they came to terms that she is white, they would never come to terms that she isn't the ideal daughter-in-law, their version of an ideal :-
1) She is of the correct race and religion.
2) She comes from a family background of equal wealth standing as them (no chance)
3) She is similarly qualified (Can be a potential, but not at this time)
4) She earns at least 80% of what I do. (She has no interest in this)
They are very class conscious (think of how UK was prior to WW1, they are not far off from there) and they used to drum this idea into my head all the time, but I forgot about it the moment I met my gf.
Since am the only child, I would really like them to be there on that day, but I seriously have no idea how to even make this work.
---------------------------------
Finally it dawns on me that everyone will start thinking I am with her because I want to stay in UK
I am in UK now because of my work.
TLDR : My gf is wanting more in the relationship, will include lots of legal implications and I am willing to let her have it, but parents would be very against it and I am feeling lost.
Forget everything else, is it what you want? If so, forget everything else. Tell your parents that whether they approve or not isn't really the point if she makes you happy. They may still not be happy about it, but try to persuade them that your happiness is really what matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and it doesn't matter who initiated what.
If your answer to the first question was 'I'm not sure' then you need to have a real think about it, and if your answer was no for any reason then I think you need to talk to her.
If your answer to the first question was 'I'm not sure' then you need to have a real think about it, and if your answer was no for any reason then I think you need to talk to her.
If you really want to be with her and love her, you wont listen to your parents wants.
Think about it, its your life. If you let her go you'll regret it. Who are you going to blame? Yourself or your parents?
Thats how relationship works. You compromise because you can't afford to lose your partner.
You have to work hard on it and fight for every challenges that life throws at you.
All im saying is, do what you want and if you do, make sure you take responsibility if it didn't work out in the future.
Think about it, its your life. If you let her go you'll regret it. Who are you going to blame? Yourself or your parents?
Thats how relationship works. You compromise because you can't afford to lose your partner.
You have to work hard on it and fight for every challenges that life throws at you.
All im saying is, do what you want and if you do, make sure you take responsibility if it didn't work out in the future.
It seems a typical cultural problem here. I have come across such problems in my life when I got to know a few people from Asia who went through the same trouble as you.
On one hand, I understand your parents, because they want to make sure that your spouse is somebody with your same background, but on the other side their requests and their acts -allow me- are frankly irreasonable and questionable (especially the money offer, which I found awful).
No wonder that your gf wants more reassurances, she has probably gone through an unbelievable amount of pressure.
Apparently your family doesn't leave you with much choice. Either you follow your heart but then prepare for a long fight with your parents, or you behave as a good son and obey to them, letting them direct your life. Both choices are legitimate and acceptable, the problem lies exclusively in what is more important to you.
I think you should make your parents realize that you are not a baby anymore and that you should be left free to make your own decisions. They are free to disagree, but at least they should leave you alone without getting in your way.
About your gf, how much do you love her? Do you love her to the point to even break up with your family for her? Because this is a possible outcome, let me tell you.
You need to reflect upon all these matters before deciding what to do. In any case, best of luck and all my solidarity, dude, you are in a difficult position.
On one hand, I understand your parents, because they want to make sure that your spouse is somebody with your same background, but on the other side their requests and their acts -allow me- are frankly irreasonable and questionable (especially the money offer, which I found awful).
No wonder that your gf wants more reassurances, she has probably gone through an unbelievable amount of pressure.
Apparently your family doesn't leave you with much choice. Either you follow your heart but then prepare for a long fight with your parents, or you behave as a good son and obey to them, letting them direct your life. Both choices are legitimate and acceptable, the problem lies exclusively in what is more important to you.
I think you should make your parents realize that you are not a baby anymore and that you should be left free to make your own decisions. They are free to disagree, but at least they should leave you alone without getting in your way.
About your gf, how much do you love her? Do you love her to the point to even break up with your family for her? Because this is a possible outcome, let me tell you.
You need to reflect upon all these matters before deciding what to do. In any case, best of luck and all my solidarity, dude, you are in a difficult position.
Original post by kristinaalovesu
If you really want to be with her and love her, you wont listen to your parents wants.
Think about it, its your life. If you let her go you'll regret it. Who are you going to blame? Yourself or your parents?
Thats how relationship works. You compromise because you can't afford to lose your partner.
You have to work hard on it and fight for every challenges that life throws at you.
All im saying is, do what you want and if you do, make sure you take responsibility if it didn't work out in the future.
Think about it, its your life. If you let her go you'll regret it. Who are you going to blame? Yourself or your parents?
Thats how relationship works. You compromise because you can't afford to lose your partner.
You have to work hard on it and fight for every challenges that life throws at you.
All im saying is, do what you want and if you do, make sure you take responsibility if it didn't work out in the future.
I have to listen to my parents, they've done a lot for me, invested plenty in me and sacrificed a lot for me. But I see your point.
Original post by dshadow
It seems a typical cultural problem here. I have come across such problems in my life when I got to know a few people from Asia who went through the same trouble as you.
On one hand, I understand your parents, because they want to make sure that your spouse is somebody with your same background, but on the other side their requests and their acts -allow me- are frankly irreasonable and questionable (especially the money offer, which I found awful).
No wonder that your gf wants more reassurances, she has probably gone through an unbelievable amount of pressure.
Apparently your family doesn't leave you with much choice. Either you follow your heart but then prepare for a long fight with your parents, or you behave as a good son and obey to them, letting them direct your life. Both choices are legitimate and acceptable, the problem lies exclusively in what is more important to you.
I think you should make your parents realize that you are not a baby anymore and that you should be left free to make your own decisions. They are free to disagree, but at least they should leave you alone without getting in your way.
About your gf, how much do you love her? Do you love her to the point to even break up with your family for her? Because this is a possible outcome, let me tell you.
You need to reflect upon all these matters before deciding what to do. In any case, best of luck and all my solidarity, dude, you are in a difficult position.
On one hand, I understand your parents, because they want to make sure that your spouse is somebody with your same background, but on the other side their requests and their acts -allow me- are frankly irreasonable and questionable (especially the money offer, which I found awful).
No wonder that your gf wants more reassurances, she has probably gone through an unbelievable amount of pressure.
Apparently your family doesn't leave you with much choice. Either you follow your heart but then prepare for a long fight with your parents, or you behave as a good son and obey to them, letting them direct your life. Both choices are legitimate and acceptable, the problem lies exclusively in what is more important to you.
I think you should make your parents realize that you are not a baby anymore and that you should be left free to make your own decisions. They are free to disagree, but at least they should leave you alone without getting in your way.
About your gf, how much do you love her? Do you love her to the point to even break up with your family for her? Because this is a possible outcome, let me tell you.
You need to reflect upon all these matters before deciding what to do. In any case, best of luck and all my solidarity, dude, you are in a difficult position.
well, tbh we don't really have a good familial relationship back home. Parents are obsessed with their work and business.
But I have made the decision to stick with her and now got to deal with it I suppose.
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