How has mental illness affected your life?

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I've not been diagnosed with anything and I'm not sure exactly what's wrong with me but I have a feeling it may be OCD. I don't like to say anything though because it really annoys me when everyone is like, 'Oh I'm so OCD about blahblahblah'.

I really don't want to think and feel like this any more though, but I don't have the guts to see a doctor. I don't even know what to say and I'm scared they'll call me a time waster and tell me to get out. I've also had periods of being really down and have self harmed (although nothing extreme or serious). I've had days where I've wanted it all to end.

I'm also really bad at dealing with people, such as when I'm out on my own or just walking to meet someone, I get so paranoid. I feel like everyone is talking about me or that they're going to pull some sort of trick on me or attack me or laugh at me. No matter who they are, if someone laughs near me my automatic reaction is that they're laughing at me. I can't even walk from building to building in school without dread and getting clammy and feeling sick and scared someone is going to push me or say stuff to me. Although someone on here mentioned it was related to OCD, but I'm not sure and they never replied.

Oh I also pull my hair out, but I've done that for years and it's the least of my problems out of all of them.

Anyway that was more a rant for myself, but it would be so much help if anyone could give me advice about seeing a doctor, because I seriously feel like they'd turn me away and laugh me out of the room or tell me I'm being over the top.

Sorry for such a long woffle of absolute nonsense. :redface:

Reply 261

Liquidus Zeromus

Original post by Anonymous

This is me, without the hair pulling/self harm. And I'm actually seeing my GP about this (for the first time) in a few days. I recommend you do too. :smile:

Reply 262

Anonymous #14

Original post by Liquidus Zeromus

This is me, without the hair pulling/self harm. And I'm actually seeing my GP about this (for the first time) in a few days. I recommend you do too. :smile:

Oh it's good to know I'm not the only one, although I'm sad to hear that you feel like this too. :frown:

What sort of things are involved with you thinking it might be OCD? Just so I can see what other people get? Unless you don't want to say, which I understand!

And when you feel really low, does it come in stages too? Then go away for a while?

I really feel for you with the paranoia thing, it limits what I can do so much. Simple things like arranging to meet friends that I constantly have to turn down because I'm too scared to get a bus on my own.

I hope everything goes well with your GP, I need to get some guts! :frown:

haha

Reply 263

Anonymous #43

Ive suffered from a couple of major bouts of depression. And never done anything about it even though my family tried everything in their power. Basically when I was 17 I knocked a girl down one night, which she later died from the injuries she sustained and I couldn't live with myself. The guilt took over my life and I basically changed my personality, ended the relationship I had with a girl at the time, basically ended every relationship I had with anybody. I pretty much blamed myself for everything that happened that night. Would for hours at a time go through the events of the accident saying to myself if I had done that, had done this would it be different. Events culminated a year and a half later when I tried to take my own life and was saved by a police officer and sectioned. Was only then I was diagnosed, but shockingly sent home after 5days later basically because there wasn't much else they could do but stick me on meds. Luckily one of my cousins was a social worker in a community near by that had a high suicide rate and in which there was initiatives going to help people out. There I had people to speak to, in an informal setting (was like a youth project) which made all the difference. The whole time I never thought there was something wrong with me, didnt think I was sick or ill. I knew nothing about mental illness before, never had any issues that would cause me to think am I depressed is there something wrong etc. If it wasnt for the centre I went to I wouldnt be here today I dont think. Id advise anyone having problems to, although yes deffinetly see your doctor, but look out for these centres, they make a real difference. Its informal (some sessions I would just play football with a group of lads), comfortable and the people really care!

Mental health illness in general is seen to be like taboo, people take the piss i.e. someone saying schizo, but the reality is 1/10 males and 1/4 females will suffer from a form and sadly there isn't the funding or resources to help everyone.

Reply 264

Liquidus Zeromus

Original post by Anonymous

Oh it's good to know I'm not the only one, although I'm sad to hear that you feel like this too. :frown:

haha

Well, I have social interaction and security anxieties so I think I have something else too.

I don't think it's depressive. The sort of disturbing thought patterns I get tend to pulsate in cycles. Sorry, I don't feel comfortable talking about them in detail at the moment. It's like opening a can of worms every time I do that.

Thanks. I'm probably just as afraid of seeing my GP about it as you are.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 265

Boiled Hippo

Original post by Anonymous

Hey man great post! :smile:

Have you not considered asking for CBT via your GP? I've also got OCD/anxiety and am scheduled to start some CBT soon, can't wait tbh.

I also suffer from intrusive thoughts, like harming people and sexual thoughts, which make me feel physically sick and like I am a vile human being! They make me feel the worst...but I keep telling myself it's the OCD not me :smile:

Hey, sorry to hear you have those damn intrusive thoughts as well, they can be quite the pain. I did go through the option of CBT with my parents, or seeing a psychiatrist but they tell me if there was anything seriously wrong with myself, IE. an uncontrollable mental illness they would know it and would take action, but there's nothing wrong in their eyes and I tell them everything.

If you can't trust your parents, who can you trust. However, it's an option I always keep open to myself but at the moment I'm going to try and go through the whole ordeal of confidence building which is going swimmingly.

I rarely feel like a terrible person anymore, I think I add value to situations, to conversations and to diversity which makes me feel slightly happy. I used to be quiet and awkward because my way of talking is an extension of my thoughts and can be slightly overwhelming for people who've just met me and I was worried of being labelled 'weird' or 'insane'. However, with time they accept it as a trait and it becomes nice to be the way I am with people and them to see the positives, and for me to realise there may be some manifestation of racing thoughts that can be somewhat witty or quick.

All of this happiness and self-worth is obviously quite foreign to me and it does still get me sometimes, that I may slip back into self-loathing and feeling morose over the future. However, you know that sense of fear you get before it all starts to snowball? It's distinctly recognisable from every other feeling, almost like it's about to engulf you. As you get to (you may be there already, I can't be too presumptuous) the point where you say 'I don't care, do whatever, make me die, make me insane, anything is better than this', and nothing happens, it suddenly stops being so scary. Everytime that creeping doubt comes into my mind now, I don't count numbers or distract my mind, I just ask it to happen so I can face it head-on. As you know, nothing ever happens, everything is exactly the same.

I hope we both get to the other side of the tunnel and I'm sure we both will, step by step. Take care.

Reply 266

superwolf

The one good thing I can think of about being depressed is that it's brought me closer to another friend with depression. Everything else about it's been fairly hellish though.

Reply 267

peacefrog16

My cousin had paranoid schizophrenia caused by exessive cannabis use. His drug use got worse as he became more ill. He was in and out of homeless shelters. He died of a heroin overdose in 2006. Very sad but i got the feeling people were relieved more than anything else. I still miss him.

Reply 268

paeperpeeple

Just to offer an alternative angle to a lot of the stories I've read on here, my dad has pretty severe bipolar disorder. He had a major collapse while, somewhat ironically but also perhaps not surprisingly, working as a psychiatric nurse at the royal bethlem. I still remember visiting him in the in patients ward at our local hospital, even though I was quite young at the time, and I still remember how small and sad he seemed.

However.

Ever since he's been on daily medication, and up until a few years ago regular visits to the psychiatrist (as in every 2-3 months), and honestly to meet him you would not have a clue. He is a fully functioning, witty, caring, lovely person, albeit with a hilariously inappropriate sense of humour. Both of my parents are like that though, so I doubt that is entirely the effect of the mania.

He is on medication which maintains him at a happy medium, but doesn't restrict him, and to see him in full flight is still rather impressive, you can just see his brain fizzing. In short, he is lovely to be around. Of course, that can be part of the tragedy of the manic depressive, they're often very charismatic, lively people, until the low hits, but he is in control, and he is happy, and honestly I sometimes have to remind myself that he has a mental illness at all. And it isn't a dirty family secret either, my parents even make jokes about it. I know that if I ever have any questions about his disorder I can ask him and he will answer as honestly as he can, so there is never any 'black dog' hanging over the family, just a loving, caring, if slightly crazy, father and husband.

Just thought I'd offer that as another point of view - obviously it's only one particular kind of disorder and others will be associated with other experiences I'm sure, but still. Make of it what you will (:

Reply 269

thisisnew

Just going to touch on how BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) has affected my life thus far. Just for clarification my BDD relates to my hair which sounds absurd but it's the second most common area of concern for BDD sufferers!

Not sure exactly when it started but I mainly attribute it to around the time I was in year 10 at school. A lot of people including my friends made light hearted jokes about my hair (looking back it was pretty joke worthy and messy) which I laughed off but really each one felt like being stabbed, seriously. Funny thing is despite all this I was seemingly quite popular with girls.

Prior to all this mirrors really were insignificant in my life but as I became more self conscious coupled with the comments about my hair the mirrors in my house effectively became my life. I couldn't walk past a mirror or a reflective surface without looking at myself in it. They seemed to have an irresistible magnetic force and people often accused me of vain but the truth is the absolute opposite of that. Things like windows, reflection in phone screen and especially car windows worked too. People probably thought I was looking for a car to steal -_-

My situation deteriorated and I found myself having to "check" myself in the mirror every time I got up to go to a different room at home. Most of the time I'd be horrified with what I saw in the mirror which would cause me to cut bits off, pull, scrunch, comb, straighten, wash/dry several times, apply product basically anything to make it look a way which I believed people would find "socially acceptable" but I could never really do it. I'd get really angry and frustrated, have panic attacks etc. I always tried to tell myself "no, calm down and just walk away" but I couldn't do it. The mirror had too much of a hold. I'd find myself in front of the mirror for anywhere between an hour to five or six and worst of all it usually happened late at night when I knew nobody would disturb me (used to kick off when people wanted the bathroom when I was feeling trapped - caused problems with my family) meaning I'd end up sleeping at 4 or 5am.

Even when I managed to escape the mirror I still felt like it controlled me. I'd usually manage to escape by manipulating my hair to what I deemed to be a "socially acceptable" but I know know my hair just ended up the same way it was when I went in. Anyway one of the worst things was how I'd try to position myself around people so that they only saw a certain side of me. Not sure if people were aware that I was doing this but it felt so awkward. If I knew people were seeing my "bad side" I'd feel myself burning up, sweating, chest getting tight etc and it'd become unbearable to the point where I'd make an excuse up and head to the nearest bathroom to "check" myself.

One incident that really hurt was in town one day going to meet my mum who was trying to make me get a job. Bare in mind I already felt like everybody was staring and laughing at my hair. It was windy and my hair probably did look like **** but as I came to a road the traffic was at a halt and some retarded chav rolled his taxi window down and shouted as loud as he could "look at the state of his hair" one of the lowest points of my life that I can recall tbh. It made me feel like my paranoia was "justified" and that I was right when feeling like everybody was staring and laughing.

The real turning point in my life went to college after dropping out of sixth form. It was actually going quite well... Sometimes I'd wear a hat, other times I'd spend a lot of time in the college toilets "checking" myself (felt like some weird loiterer when doing this because if someone came in while I was "checking" I'd instantly pretend to be washing my hands or something lol). A really gorgeous girl took an interest in me too and she even made clear that she liked me but I instantly turned her down because of my problems thus far. I know it's hindsight but I honestly think going out with her would have halted my descent. The real killer was when my college changed its rules and strictly forbade the wearing of hats. They removed my only security blanket when I was having a "bad day" (where I wouldn't leave the house unless I could wear a hat). Around this time my dad also passed away (alcoholic and didn't see him much but was planning to meet up with him) which absolutely devastated me. This coupled with the college rule change lead me to drop out and enter a very dark place.

It became so bad, so debilitating that I didn't really leave my house for around 8 months. I hadn't told ANYBODY at all about how I was feeling so my family thought I was just been a lazy teenager and were always on at my case like "if you're dropping out of college then you better get a ****ing job".

My family came to recognize that I have a problem when I said I'd go watch my brothers-girlsfriends-son play football early on a Sunday. I had one of my bad days and eventually broke down on my bedroom floor because not been able to go somewhere with my brother and nephew (who I love so much) made me feel like I'd never get my life back. My brother walked in and went down stairs to my mum in tears which is unusual for him. Eventually my mum understood that I had a problem and we arranged for me to see the GP and a mental health nurse. Anyone who feels like they're in a similar situation I can't express enough how important it is to have your family and loved ones understand your situation.

I was placed on the NHS CBT waiting list which was unfortunately 11 months so we decided to look elsewhere because I really couldn't wait that long. We found a counselor eventually and I started a course of anti depressants. This allowed me to beat my depression and generally feel relatively happy again. While this did help tremendously we didn't manage to deal with my BDD.

To this day while I'm very happy, hopeful and much more in control regarding the whole mirror thing I'm still heavily restricted. I really want to go back to college and have an active social life but I spent pretty much every day at home because I find it easier to not even attempt to go out. Some times I offer to go shopping with my mum for example just to get out of the house and to ensure that I don't cause any problems on the day I get ready the night before and don't sleep as not to mess up my hair. I know, sounds incredibly stupid but I just wanted to be outside and around people, feeling normal.

Occasionally there's days when I actually like my hair (which I preserve via a very strong hair spray :tongue:

) and manage to be around people. It feels amazing... gives me an unexplainable high. Being normal is my drug shame I seem to get a fix once every few months. I'd give anything to feel like that every day.

One thing I still can't deal with is people taking photos of me. I'll do anything to avoid it and I often get aggressive with people insisting on taking a picture. I do take a lot of pictures of myself (hundreds but only use a carefully selected few) as means to see myself how others would and in all honesty in the hopes of getting a compliment. For someone like me getting a complement on the way you look means the world. For a second it makes me think "maybe people stare because they find me attractive as opposed to being unable to resist starting at my appalling hair" and to be able to genuinely ponder such a thought feels euphoric but it never lasts long and I find myself seeking more compliments to get that feeling again.

Another thing is the day time. All these feelings are worsened by looking at myself in the mirror during the day time (all though strangely enough on a bright sunny morning looking at myself in a car window seems to be alright) so I find myself sleeping through the day because it causes too much distress. Makes me wonder how I'll ever be able to function normally when I can't stand the day light. Also the reason I'm posting at half 4 in the morning >_>

You're probably thinking "just get a haircut?" but it's really not that simple. With everything considered sitting in a hair dressers (with all of the mirrors & well groomed/good looking people) is one of the most daunting things for me, this is assuming I manage to get out of the house in the first place! I've had a hair dresser that makes home calls and while it helped I don't think I've ever been happy with a haircut and end up not getting it cut at all which leaves my with scruffy uncontrollable hair which makes me feel worse. Feels like a lose-lose situation. Right now I'm trying to gather up the strength and courage to get my hair cut at a nice place and to find a college course but I'm struggling as usual.

Very long post but I feel a bit better getting it all off of my chest :/

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 270

Cityshy

Original post by screenager2004

one day you might just wake up feeling like a complete human being again. It could happen to you next week.

Your story was interesting, and I certainly hope this can happen for myself and others. Sorry to hear of all the bad stuff everyone's going through on here, stay strong people.

Reply 271

justlol

Original post by thisisnew

A simple solution would be to pretend to have converted to Sikihism. That way you could wear a turban and get on with your life and enjoy it.

My advice is sincere, become a Sikh or pretend to, there are plenty of white Sikhs in the world. Wear a slick black turban, go out and PARTAYY. Don't dismiss the idea, think about it.

I registered to give you this advice but I may aswell part some wisdom (or not lol) on the rest of the crowd here.

Guys, like me most of you are probably in the UK. Genetic predispositions aside many mental disorders are induced by our environment and soceity. THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM. My advice is to NEVER take anti depressants and address the underlying problem of your condition.

Stop taking yourselves too seriously. This planet is 5,000,000,000 (billion) years old. Our lifespan, if we're lucky is 80 years. In the grand scheme of things does any one life really matter all that much. Enjoy the precious few years we have, WATCH LESS TELEVISION and EXERCISE and TRAVEL MORE.

Reply 272

Liquidus Zeromus

Original post by justlol

Not as simple as that. If people could just talk their way out of mental illnesses then alot of problems would be solved. But it doesn't work that way.
Certainly, depressed people could do with circumstances which tackle the source of depression. Anti-depressants in of themselves are not the final solution, but they are essential for treating symptoms.

Your advice is just unhelpful, and you shouldn't have bothered to register.

Reply 273

thisisnew

Original post by justlol

If it was as simple as "pretending to be a Sikh" or just "go out and enjoy your life" then I would have done that by now. Considered becoming a mental health practitioner?

I mean really, do you think I ruined my education & social life just so I could get some attention and to be a trendy mentally ill person?

Reply 274

converselove

My boyfriend left me because he couldn't deal with my mental illnesses. My parents haven't got a clue and I'm constantly lying so they don't find out. The people that know look at me like I'm fragile. My A Levels suffered because of it. Yeah, mental illness screwed my life.

Reply 275

Unoriginal-

Original post by converselove

What kinda mental illness do you have?

Reply 276

converselove

Original post by Unoriginal-

What kinda mental illness do you have?

Eh. Depression, self harmer. Sometimes suicidal...

Reply 277

Muffinz

I was threatened with stabbing (twice) due to my brother's depression.

Reply 278

CocaColaBottle

Original post by Anonymous

I've suffered from pretty severe OCD for five years now; it crushed myself confidence and made me a pretty messed up individual.

Only now am I kind of coming to terms with the fact that I really do need help (taken long enough)..and I'm so tired of having to pretend everything's okay- I daren't moan about it incase I annoy people.

My parents still don't know but I hate to admit I can't help but feel ashamed and embarassed even though I know I shouldn't.

Anyway, I'm interested in how people handle it whether it's yourself or someone you know.

I think that there should be more of an emphasis on recognising mental illnesses because in my experience nobody really talks about them because they're kind of invisible if you get what I mean and my parents have often just labelled me as a 'hormonal' teenager :/

I totally agree. Mental Illnesses are too easily swept under the carpet with attention seeking and odd quirks.
Had OCD/Panic Attacks since I was about 6. I completely know what you mean in that you feel ashamed/embarassed to talk about it. My mum knows but even then, trying to talk to her about it sometimes either brings on a Panic Attack or leaves me feeling like a fool.

I guess for me I handle it by ignoring it. I push it aside and throw myself into everything around me so theres never a moment where I get lost with my thoughts. Sometimes, It can backfire and send me into compulsion-overdrive and it all goes to pots and have to try all these silly "stop-sign" tactics to calm down.

My mum had depression and her salvation was time, I guess. She didnt even acknowledge it till she was border-line suicidal. My family come from a place where you NEVER label yourself with illness. Let alone Mental illness. Its seen as attracting negativity to yourself etc. So dealing with it is somethink you do on your own, or if your lucky, someone who can see that its just not "in your head"

Good luck with your troubles (Y)