Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

To the people who don't really receive romantic/sexual attention, but are content...

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Had two long term girlfriends between the ages of eighteen to twenty-one. I'm twenty one now, and just before Christmas (shortly before my birthday), I made after Hume and dedicated myself to literature, writing and the study of the arts and general cultures of the world.

I'm being deadly serious, and you know what? I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. The pleasure you get from understanding and relishing in the knowledge that you have experienced the greatest thoughts and philosophical systems to date is worth more than meaningless ****ing. Same goes with learning new languages, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people; the whole works.

I'm not saying I'd actively shun any attention I received from a lady, though she'd have to be damn impressive and not just 'some bird I found attractive' for me to consider going into a relationship. One night stands, flings etc, I've never been into. Complete waste of time.

Like Hume, I plan on doing this for ten years. Though being so used to it, and garnering such a great deal of pleasure from the things I've learned, I'll probably do it for much longer.

To get to the juicy stuff: I haven't had sex in four months now, and don't miss it one bit (when considering the cons of a relationship, that is).

Now thats what i find attractive :yep:

Spoiler

You have to be happy with yourself, start doing things you enjoy/ discover yourself and put yourself first.
It's not all about attracting other people...although by doing this there's no doubt that you will get attention.

I think the chances are that you're really young? and you havent met enough people.....or your desperation shows..which puts people off.

Reply 21

philistine

Original post by When will I know?

Now thats what i find attractive :yep:

Spoiler

Recently turned twenty-one. It's not gathered so much attention beyond the occasional remark from my flatmates (usually derogatory, though they can't speak), or the seldom quip about me scouring the internet for random facts or having seemingly encyclopaedic knowledge.

I've always been a very 'colourful' character, both in personality and the way in which I speak. I stand out, for all the right reasons. Though, I can freely admit I stay away from the bulk of social situations, as, well, going to the pub to play pool every other night is nothing but wasting time (once a week, perhaps, as it's fun). However, none of my greatest friendships have suffered one iota from me being a shrinking violet-- no way.

I'm blowing steam, so best to stop. :biggrin:

Reply 22

Anonymous #1

Original post by Alt__x

In the words of lady gaga 'your career won't wake up one morning and tell you it doesn't love you anymore'

Thanks for reminding me of that lovely quote. That woman is a wonderful inspiration :smile:

Reply 23

moody_bum

Worrying about stuff like this is what your 30's are for.
Until then, enjoy life and just take everything as it comes.

Reply 24

Anonymous #1

Original post by magic

If you want other people to love you, you should first love yourself. Build a great life for yourself and you'll naturally attract a guy / girl. If you need a bf / gf to be happy then you'll display really unattractive behaviours - neediness, clinginess, etc - which will repel them, and your relationship won't work.

Einstein is often quoted as saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. If you don't have the life you want, then CHANGE something. Join some clubs, find some new hobbies, go to the gym.

Whether you're a girl or guy, getting a great body will help attract the opposite sex - so visit the Fitness forum. To start off with you could try eating more fruit and vegetables, and cutting out or reducing your soft drink and fast food consumption. If you don't change your diet there's no way you'll get a great body, however much exercise you do.

For exercise, do something you enjoy. Take up a sport, or perhaps go to some dance or martial arts classes. Ideally do some weightlifting as well (even if you're a girl - you don't have enough testosterone to become big and muscular, so don't worry). Focus on the compound exercises (squat, deadlift, benchpress, chin-ups / pull-ups, overhead press, etc).

Follow the steps above and your confidence will improve massively, you'll end up with a very sexy body, and a larger social circle - all of which will make it much more likely for you to get some romantic interest.

Best of luck!

magic

PS: For when you've completed the steps above (and only if you're female): How's it goin'? (Said in Joey Tribbiani's accent) :hubba:

About the great body thing, right now naturally I have a body similar to this:

I'm not sure if that's good enough? Sometimes I get the impression that guys are into curves more.

Thank you for the helpful post overall :smile:

Reply 25

meilan990

Original post by Anonymous

I want to know - how on earth do you do it?

It's killing me and depressing me that no one seems to want me :frown:

. Sometimes I worry about being alone forever.

I want to know your secrets for keeping cool about it.

Get a number of hobbies to keep you busy and content.

Time flies by and it really takes your mind off things that worry you in life.

Ive been told Im okay looking, and i have a good personality but compare to the pretty vintage girls :frown:

i have no chance.

Bump

Original post by Anonymous

About the great body thing, right now naturally I have a body similar to this:

I'm not sure if that's good enough? Sometimes I get the impression that guys are into curves more.

Thank you for the helpful post overall :smile:

Wow, you've got a great body. It's very strange that guys don't show any interest in my opinion! :smile:

I've had a few thoughts:

A good female friend of mine has a fantastic body, but sadly has low self-esteem and a poor body image (she used to be anorexic, but luckily got over it). She incorrectly thinks her body is hideous, so wears really baggy clothing to hide it - which makes it a lot harder to see how attractive she really is. Do you wear clothing to flatter your body, or do you try to hide behind baggy clothes like my friend? I'm not suggesting you wear low-cut tops or short skirts, as that would attract the wrong sort of attention - but perhaps you could go out with a fashionable friend, and buy some nice new tops / dresses / jeans to help show off your sexy body?

Perhaps you intimidate guys with your looks? Maybe the guys you know have low self-esteem and don't think they'd have a chance with you, and so don't indicate their interest because they expect to be rejected? You could try being extra-friendly to them and see what happens, or try being a bit flirtatious with any that you like. Personally I'm more likely to be interested (and show interest) in a girl if I think there's a chance she might like me back - so I'm likely to become interested in girls who smile at me, laugh at things I say, or add :-P to texts.

Obviously I know very little about you, so my thoughts could be completely off-the-mark - if you let me know more about you I could probably help you more, or point you in the right direction. I love learning about human nature, psychology and stuff, so know quite a bit about this sort of thing. :biggrin:

If you ensure you're wearing flattering (but non-slutty) clothes, you smile, are friendly and laugh at the jokes men make, and try meeting more men (through friends, extra-curricular activities you do, lectures / whatever), I reckon you could find yourself a boyfriend within a month. :smile:

You're definitely attractive enough to find a great guy, don't worry. Believe that you're the beautiful, sexy girl that you are, gain a bit of confidence in yourself, and Mr Right should arrive before you know it!

magic :smile:

Reply 28

Anonymous #1

Original post by magic

Aww, you sound really sweet :smile:

. I do have some self-esteem issues, yes. I was bullied quite a lot at school for stupid things. Most of it I have gotten over, but there was a time when some bisexual girl (who used to be nice to me) suddenly turned nasty on me after I got rejected by a guy, and she was saying all this crap like I'm too undesirable and shouldn't be trying to get with anyone :frown:

. Other people got in on it too, and I'm finding it hard to get over especially now that I can't even get guys anyway :sad:

.

I'm just really stuck at what to do. I try to dress well all the time, wear nice makeup and do my hair nicely, yet it doesn't seem to work :frown:

. So confused!

I would like to go clubbing, but my friends can never afford it, and I don't really want to go on my own. And I want to join clubs but I don't really have the money at the moment to do so.

Reply 29

magic

Original post by Anonymous

Aww, you sound really sweet :smile:

. Other people got in on it too, and I'm finding it hard to get over especially now that I can't even get guys anyway :sad:

.

I'm just really stuck at what to do. I try to dress well all the time, wear nice makeup and do my hair nicely, yet it doesn't seem to work :frown:

Yeah, it's a real shame that most girls seem to have self-esteem issues. It's certainly not helped by the media showing so many images of unrealistically beautiful women everyday!

I reckon that bisexual girl fancied you, got annoyed when she realised you liked a guy rather than her, and then tried to take out her frustration and jealousy on you by being nasty to you. Quite a lot of the bullying could have been because the boys fancied you and the girls envied you, in fact!

I admire you for trying with that guy by the way. Most girls are too afraid to ever attempt asking a guy out. The reaction from others really sucks, but that reflects badly on them, not you - they sound like complete pricks. I know rejection isn't great (I got a "Let's just be friends!" a few years ago, which prompted me to start going to the gym and improving my life in general :wink:

), but it's coping with the crapper things life throws at you that forges you as a person. Looking back, I'm really glad I took the risk and got rejected - I've learnt so much because of it. As Mark Twain said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." :smile:

I know quite a lot of successful people, and I'm part of a business forum where there are several multimillionaires. One thing I've found with successful people, is that they see rejection / failure as a learning experience, and as an opportunity to develop into a stronger, more well-rounded person - whereas most people have been socially conditioned to see rejection / failure as a negative thing.

You can't change the past, so it's best to just accept it and move on. Dwelling on negative things that have happened in the past will only depress you, and make you a more negative, unhappy person - which will affect the quality of your future. I know acceptance is probably quite hard, so here's something you could try:

You seem to have the self-limiting belief "Guys don't think I'm attractive." Answer these questions for that belief:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?
and
Turn it around - for example "I don't think I'm attractive" or "I don't think the guys I know are attractive." Are either of those as true as or truer than the original belief?

Hopefully you've realised that the belief "Guys don't think I'm attractive" isn't necessarily true (and if not: I'm a guy, and that picture above looked beautiful to me! :biggrin:

), but instead is very disempowering, and you'd live a much happier, love-filled life if you got rid of it. I'm inclined to think that you also have the belief "I don't think I'm attractive." Many of our beliefs are formed in childhood - so did your parents or relatives tell you "you're beautiful" when you were little? I'd guess possibly not (or if they did, they didn't do it enough, so the trauma of the incident with that guy messed things up).

I should point out that I'm in no way qualified for psychotherapy, so the above thoughts are just a few friendly suggestions. If you really want to become completely confident and get over the bullying I'd suggest finding a professional who knows cognitive behavioural therapy - I have friends who strongly recommend it after CBT changed their lives.

Moving onto other things - have you got the time to get a part-time job, to earn a bit more money and meet new people? If not, there must be clubs and societies you can join for free - I played various sports at university for free, and the volunteering stuff I did was obviously free. Exercise helps release endorphins - the best cure for depression! - so exercising a bit more will help cheer you up. I try to exercise every day and I'm happy all the time! :biggrin:

You should definitely get some male attention if you go clubbing, but it would probably be the wrong sort as I said earlier - I assume you want a boyfriend to love you, rather than some drunk guy just wanting you for your body - so meeting people through sports, music, drama or charities should help you meet guys who are more likely to be boyfriend material. What sort of hobbies do you enjoy? :smile:

Last thought - are you aware of your body language? I find those who have low self-esteem tend to have more negative body language - slouching, crossing their arms, not making much eye contact, generally weak, defensive posture, etc - which makes other people realise they have low self-esteem and are a target for bullying, leading to a vicious cycle. Sitting up or standing up strong and tall, making good eye contact and smiling lots may help (and certainly won't hurt!) - be proud of yourself; you're a beautiful girl with a great future ahead of yourself. :smile:

Reply 30

imperial maniac

I enjoy falling in love even if I get rejected. :biggrin:

I know, what a fail.

Reply 31

DOA

i was when I was single, heres how I thought:

"better to be single and avalible than in a relationship thats just the first girl willing to be with me that isn't right"

Reply 32

Tabers

I have other things to concentrate on at the minute like school work and getting into uni. I just think that it will happen eventually and till then just live my life and get on with it.

Reply 33

DanielleT192

Original post by Anonymous

I've come to terms with the fact that no one wants me, and yeh it hurt when I was like 15/16 but im 20 know and it doesn't hurt as bad its like I've put all those 'well it'll happen, I just have to wait blah blah' in a box of sort, locked the key and thrown it away. Why deny the inevitable its never going to happen and it's softening the blow when I'm 30 and still alone it won't hit be as bad. Oh I know I am going to be one those ladies with like 10 cats lol!

One of my friends phones me specifically every 2 weeks to tell me about her love life and whats going on with her so I kind of get my romance fix from her (sad I know). It always annoys me when the conversation ends with her saying so what about you found anyone yet, she knows there will never be anyone so why ask??? It also annoys me as she is a beautiful girl but treats her body like crap.

On the other hand I have another friend who is beautiful, intelligent and well feels like she will never find anyone its so annoying as any guy would be lucky to have her!!! :mad:

That doesn't meant to say I don't have crushes and stuff I really like this guy on my course but refuse to ever talk to him. Just seeing him in lectures and about uni is enough. I am also probably the biggest romantic there is out there, on Friday there was this really old couple on the train having a small argument and you could tell they were in love ohh wow to be together that long and still be in love know that is beautiful and what everyone should be aiming for! :colondollar:

so yes I am content as I have come to terms with how my life will run, I don't like it but that is life!

Are you sure you're content? Sounds like you're wanting a relationship at some point anyway, just from the emphasis of your friends experiences and the observations of the old couple.

Reply 34

DanielleT192

I have received attention from some folk, but I'm not interested in them and cannot seem to feel anything towards anyone at the moment. I think it's because I'm worried about other things that relationships are my last priority.

The most important thing for me at the moment is finding myself. I focus on things such as my current position like work, academics and hobbies, so I could try and discover myself. The whole idea of being in a relationship sounds nice, but I feel I need to find myself first, excel in different areas and those focuses take the focus off of ever wanting a relationship.

I hear my friend every night on the phone telling me about how she had fallen out with her boyfriend or she's insecure or jealous about something that has happened and I keep thinking how unhappy it is making her. She is consuming her life around him and doesn't seem to care about other parts of her future other than him which makes me glad I have the freedom and independence of not being in a relationship. I just think the effort of getting a bf/gf to have an outcome of being uneasy, jealous, full of resentment etc isn't worth it. I know that relationships have their highs, but it seems a good majority of those in ones have these problems.

(edited 13 years ago)

Reply 35

Anonymous #3

I used to fall for anyone who was interested in me. I had to be in a relationship all the time, it was the value of my self worth. Even if I hated them or they annoyed me, I would say yes and we would start dating. Cue cheating, disappointment, lack of self esteem and so on. I've learnt my lesson, the sooner the better.

I've been single for over a year now, and I feel better for it. I feel like my own person and can develop perfectly fine on my own. I think I also went out with people I didn't fancy so it would be ok if anything went wrong - you need to take a risk for something that's worth it.

Reply 36

philistine

I'd like to add, on top of my previous post, that all the old folk wisdom and other sayings such as 'he/she completes me', or to 'find your other half', are completely absurd in.

The greatest relationships occur when both parties are entirely secure with who they are, what they're doing, and don't need to rely on either person one bit in an emotional way. If they were to part, they would only miss the union of the two bodies, not the other person as if they were a missing component.

It's almost like breaking a whole 'one' into two pieces, then trying to find a suitable other half to complete the just broken piece. It's ridiculous.

Reply 37

Anonymous #1

Original post by magic

Well, it weren't actually me asking him out, a friend of mine was setting us up together and she asked him out for me. But when he rejected me, it got out to some people, including this nasty girl who then started saying stuff behind my back about me and not him :frown: